Match Reports

Not a match report — a news piece from the club's original website, September and October 2004.

Dated 1 September 2004 on the old site, but it describes a 7–2 win the club's records place on 19 September — so it was almost certainly written later and back-dated.

Watson Pringle · Wed 1 September 2004

They think it’s all over…but it doesn’t have to be. It is difficult for people who haven’t played football for Brasenose to imagine how much one misses it when one leaves. Whilst at college, one comes to take for granted the frequent but nonetheless flamboyant chips over the bar. It becomes a way of life to hear the captain say that we have great players, and that we are the best team in the league, only to slip gloriously to mid-table mediocrity, and to pretend all the way to the pub that one is extremely disappointed.

Now, however, there is life after college for frustrated Brasenostrils, desperate to avenge Cuppers’ defeats to Jesus or end-of-term near promotions. The format, like the name, is similar to that recently adopted by the Wimbledon team. That is, Brasenose football has been reborn, albeit in a slightly less glorious arena, and a slightly less illustrious league. The arena, Hackney Marshes (for home and away games) and the challenge, the Camden Sunday Football League.

Much, however, remains the same. All the old faces are still there. There are still the same moments of madness in defence. Last week, Ritch ‘very much at home in Sunday League Football’ Davies had what can only be described as a shot at Fairley’s goal. Fairley dealt with the shot with uncharacteristic ease, only to be penalised with an indirect free-kick metres from goal. Captain Latham has not yet sprung to life due to injury, but there is a buzz of excitement around the dressing-room in anticipation of his return. I feel sure he will bring both goals and entertainment to the side, although perhaps neither of the right sort.

The level of commitment also remains the same. In the last match Dave Matheson, one of several former Blues in the side, raced in at the back post, hurling himself fearlessly towards the goalkeeper to score a crucial goal in a 7-2 win, before having to retire from the game with a burst gonad. Oh, and Springett is still mainly hungover, and tends to manage around 35 minutes a game.

In short, AFC Brasenose offers us a chance to be ambassadors for, and to take pride in, the illustrious footballing heritage of our college, and we welcome all leavers who want to carry on the tradition. Just don’t mention that you were at Oxford, or you might get a kicking.

Not a match report — a news piece from the club's original website, September and October 2004.

Eugene Pooley · Mon 20 September 2004

However one considers it, metaphorically, geographically or ‘footballistically’ (to coin Arsène Wenger) it is a long way from the Abingdon Road to Hackney Marshes. But the spiritual essence of college football has been revived in North London this year, with 2004/5 marking the inaugural season of AFC Brasenose, the first official team for BNC alumni. Worried that we might appear as little more than preened galacticos living on nothing but champagne football, it was decided to join the grit of the Camden Sunday Football League, where the average weight of striker is listed as 15st (top heavy) and the most popular pet is, by all accounts, the bull-terrier.

Rambaut Fairley has assembled a 20-strong squad of former college 1st XI players (made up of graduates from 1999-2004), allowing us to ward off ‘corporate belly’, get up frighteningly early on Sunday mornings (thank you Rambaut) and slip back into the gold and black shirt. We have all massed funds to provide nets, corner flags, balls and a tactics board (you do wonder how much use that will get) but, you know, you just cannot buy commitment. And so far it has been terrific. Former BNC kickers have literally come from all directions - even from Birmingham no less – to turn out; and it has been an auspicious start, a 7-2 thrashing giving us our first victory, though to be fair their goalkeeper could have done better with about 6 of the goals. We will also be involved in two cup competitions, neither of which, as far as I am aware, offers a place in Europe. This season’s objective (like most top sides) is to ‘see how it goes’ but secretly I think we hope to do rather well in our present division, mostly bv dint of superior fitness and the tactics board. Like top sides too, we will be looking to build on predicted success and unexpected ‘retirements’ by recruiting more ex-college players, recent or not-so-recent. We are also chasing a willing manager (UEFA badges not required). If you would like to be involved, as a player, manager or supporter, please contact Rambaut Fairley.

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 27 September 2004

AFC Brasenose began to get some momentum behind them with a 1 - 0 victory over AFC Shooters but alarm bells were set ringing in the final twenty minutes when full back Craig Patchett limped off with what looked to be hamstring trouble. Patchett joins fellow defenders Paul Toms, Ed Mills-Webb and Ali Cole, captain Ritchie Latham and midfielder Richard Davies on the injured list.

But their woes were given something of a boost with rumours of the return of Dave Stanton circulating at the weekend. Stanton has recently been sighted househunting in the North London area, it is claimed with a view to signing for his old club.

Not a match report — a news piece from the club's original website, September and October 2004.

John Springett · Thu 28 October 2004

It's a second bite of the cherry this week for the Brasenostrils as they once again prepare to take on second division opposition in a cup competition. Having lost a close game to Boston Arms 'A' in the Junior Cup a few weeks back, AFCBNC will be confident of going one (or should that be 2) better this Sunday against the Jackals. Buoyed by recent performances, and currently sitting pretty at the top of the third division, the 'Posh Twats', as they are known in some quarters, will be looking to put in a solid performance for their showing in this competition, before somehow contriving to lose a game to second-rate opposition in the next round, as is their wont, and declaring that they really were the best team in the competition, actually.

With news of Evans' return just around the corner, the boys in black-and-gold will want to take advantage of his unavailability and continue to play the sort of free-flowing and free-scoring football which has characterised his absence, before his reappearance makes it all go to pot. Latham is said still to be 'a little short on fitness', although some have pointed out that this hasn't stopped the rest of us turning out, and others have gone even further, pointing out that our keeper is just 'a little short'. Meanwhile, there is a divide within the club at senior management level as to whether to persist with the 4-5-1 formation which has served the club so well in recent weeks, or to revert to the ineffectual, but traditional, 4-4-2. Finally, John Springett has relinquished penalty-taking duties this week after having a dream last night in which one was saved and everybody took the piss out of him. But then, given our record in cup competitions....

Rambaut Fairley — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Mon 17 January 2005

That was, quite simply, the best performance I can remember seeing from a Brasenose side. I think the ratings on the website reflect this. So few of you weren't there that describing it seems stupid. Plus it's very hard to imagine. Winning by a single goal, not throwing away a narrow lead through sloppy defending in the last 5 minutes: it was all there. I think everyone was terrific and without wanting to single anyone out (but doing so) have to say that Brownie was exemplary, very much vindicating Ritchie 'Mr. Tactical Insight' Latham's contraversial decision to play him at centre back whilst pushing Paul 'Tallest Man in the Back Four' Toms to right back. Both were excellent in fact. Davies was, quite simply, everywhere; it turns out, apparently, that not only can Watson Pringle tackle, but that he can tackle Patrick Vieira, which probably came as a bit of a surprise to everyone, even himself... Oh and, according to Alex 'Opta' Cole, Tommy K won 100% of balls he competed for after coming on. It was great. I'm chuffed.

I also want to make mention of Tommy, Cole, Millsy and Julian, all of whom were happy to turn up knowing there was a chance they wouldn't play at all. It's a level of commitment I'm not sure we'd see from everyone. But we should.

I had a quick perusal of the league website last night. Despite what their table says we are actually top, by 1 point. But we have played 2 games more than Oxford Arms in 2nd. We have Moore House again in our last game. We need to play as well as we did yesterday between now and then to make sure that that game counts for something. Whilst it is our last game, Moore House and Oxford Arms both have 2 games after that (Moore House possible more), which is far from ideal. We want to have put it beyond them by then: I don't much fancy the idea of sitting around for 2 weeks waiting for other teams to decide our fate.

It is actually a very tight league at the moment; if the games in hand were all to be won (bear with me) Oxford Arms would have 37, Moore House would have 36, we'd have 32 along with Boston Arms B and FC Bertoli, Surreal Madrid D would have 31, and Hoxton Foxes would have 30. Spot two rubbish teams who'd be level on points with us because we drew 2 - 2 with them.

Now, the games in hand aren't all going to be won. If we can play at our best, and start beating teams rather than drawing with them, we can reasonably hope for more slip us from such a tightly packed top table. Added to that are Eugene's rumours that Deji is now playing for DOM, who notched up their first win this week 10 - 2 against AFC Shooters who whilst being rubbish might not quite deserve that kind of shoeing from a fellow rubbish team. If it's true, I think we can be quite happy that we've already played them twice and most other teams haven't...

I've gone on long enough, but Brownie demanded an email. Basically all I want to say is that yesterday was great, and that we need to see more of it for the rest of the season. The most important game for the rest of the season is the next game.

Ritchie Latham · Wed 26 January 2005

It strikes me that the time has passed this week by which we would normally have received some retrospective pearls of tactical nouse from our good leader Fairley and a thinly veiled call to arms for the following week. Cole reliably informs me that Ram's skisuit/phone/laptop/melon-baller/blacksmith's-forge cum portable hotel has been experiencing some problems communicating with the Fairley satellites, so this week's update will be provided by me.

This week's display was all about making sure we didn't fcuk up, and by and large we were very good at it. As a spectacle it didn't match last week's hair-raiser, but the commitment was still there (most of the time), and that is what we need to make sure we produce. As usual for a BNC XI we have no question of our own ability to beat any team we come up against, and occasionally we will prove it - the rest of this season needs to be about consistently proving it because this league is ours to win.

Mentions to Springett I suppose for a bicycle kick that hospitalised their keeper and reduced them to ten men, as well as the customary two goals and volleying over from 5 yards. Cole proved an able reserve in net with an assured game and plenty of banter from the back, rumour has it his cries of 'Keeper's!' could even be heard outside his 6 yard box. Watson and Matheson added a touch of class with their finishes from distance, intentional or not, and Davies spent another tireless 90 minutes keeping the battle going in th middle of the park.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 15 February 2005

It's been a long time, but our destiny is now back in our own hands.

For those of you who weren't there on Sunday, you missed an interesting one. Firstly, it was a great performance for one of those rarest of prizes: a 1 - 0 win. This, with a force 8 gale blowing the length of the pitch, keeping us firmly rooted in our own half for the entire of the 2nd 45 minutes. Another crucial goal from Julian Mayhew (who's cruelly been robbed of 2nd top scorer status by the withdrawal of Club America from the league and the resultant expunging (is that a word) of his goals against them...) in the first half proved to be enough, but only after a great 2nd half rearguard performance. The only other highlight of the game worth noting was Dave Webster oh so nearly topping his own goal of the season with a run from deep in his own half through the heart of the Oxford Arms team, only for the keeper to tip the shot round the post.

It's now come down to this: if we win our next 5 league games, we win the league. This is not, however, the time to get cocky. We still have 2nd place Hoxton Foxes to play, who are on a worrying run of form themselves, and the best team we've faced so far, Moore House, on the last day. On top of this, we haven't won in the league against any of the other teams that we have left to play. There is a lot still to do.

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 21 February 2005

It's taken me all day to get into a mood where I feel even close to wanting to write this email. I was also waiting for the Oxford Arms vs Moore House result to go up on the website.

For those of you who weren't there we managed to throw away a 3 - 1 lead in the last 10 minutes on Sunday, coming away with a single point. That has effectively undone all the hard work beating Oxford Arms the week before as, if they win their 3 games in hand, they will be a point ahead of us. They beat Moore House 4 - 1.

Frankly, that's not actually what I'm most concerned about. Compared to those around us we have a very difficult run in: Moore House obviously stand out, but so do 2nd place Hoxton Foxes (who thanks to our performance at the weekend have overtaken us as the form side in the Division). On top of that Boston Arms B and Tergemo are 2 sides we've made a bit of a meal of in all our past meetings.

But, even the opposition aren't what I'm most worried about; at the moment, it's our attitude. I thought we were pretty up for it after our recent run of form so I was quite surprised at the almost complete silence about availability this week. I went into Saturday thinking we'd have 13 for the game on Sunday, and ended up with 11, and it would have been 10 if Diddles hadn't managed to get through the snow on the M1. If I'd have known we were struggling for numbers I might have been able to put some pressure on some of the "maybe"s to turn out. Given that the post-match consensus was we lost the game because we were too tired by the end it's more than a little annoying... When I asked if there were any dates people couldn't make in the future it was the usual Monday morning respondents who gave me a detailed breakdown of their availability, most of which they'd already told me about anyway. At least half of this squad really want to win this Division. That's out of our hands again now; promotion is not.

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 28 February 2005

I don't think anyone would deny, they were pretty good... Definitely better than any side we've ever played, they had a composure on the ball all over the park that I think we could only ever dream of.

In the first half, with the wind behind them, they scored 4 goals from sprayed diagonal balls before we'd really realised what hit us. The conditions weren't as bad as vs Oxford Arms at Regent's, but it was still a sizeable effort to get the ball out of our half. That made what was a truly excellent goal even more satisfying: what the website would call "wonderful interplay" set Hal free down the right, and he crossed for Duncan to volley home his first goal since his oh-so-memorable debut. The score at half time was 4 - 1, probably reflective of their superior passing and composure to that point.

The second half was a different contest. With the wind in their faces they were no longer able to spray long crossfield balls from the back and good upfield pressure, particularly from Hal and Watson who won countless challenges in the centre of the park, kept us camped firmly in their half. The second goal came as we piled the pressure on, but from a break away they were awarded a free kick about 30 yards from goal. Somehow this ended up being taken from about 20 yards out and was curled into the top right hand corner.

At 5 - 2 they made the seemingly bizarre decision to swap their goalkeeper for a central midfield midget. 2 cheap goals and a weak through-ball that hit the post later and he was back on pitch but we remained on top of the game. A lot of pressure, and a lot of chances in the last 15 minutes meant we really could have won it about 8 - 5. the breakthrough never came but it was a really good performance from everybody. We didn't let our heads drop, even when the goals were rolling in in the first half, and played some really good football at times and fought very hard throughout.

In other news this is taken directly from the league website:

AFC Brasenose now need three wins form the last four games to win the title after a day of shocks. Oxford Arms lost 0-2 to resurgent FC Bertoli, who themselves stand an outside chance of winning the title if they keep up their recent good form. Also Hoxton Foxes slipped to a surprise defeat, 0-1 to DOM.

GNT Athletic saw off Surreal Madrid D 3-0, while Tergemo...

Frankly, the last thing we need right now is any overconfidence, but result have gone our way and brought the league back into our hands. The above quote perhaps overplays it: Moore House, despite being 18 points behind, have played 6 games less so still have the potential to be right up next to us. Oxford Arms, still with 2 games in hand, can close to 2 points. There are a lot of games to be played between now and our next league game, lets hope they keep going our way...

The important message is that it's ours to throw away again. Let's not try....

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 14 March 2005

First of all, congratulations to all those who turned out on Sunday, particularly to one P Wrigley who made the 2 and a half hour commute from Oxford at short notice and played masterfully at centre back against a man a good foot taller than him...

I believe Jose Latham was going to have some reprimanding words to say about us only being able to get 9 out for a cup quarter-final, although his firebrand may have been tempered by our 4 - 2 aet victory.

It wasn't a great game, but it was a good performance. We once again showed our seemingly limitless ability to go from 2 up to level on a regular basis, but did well to dig out a victory in extra - time against a side sitting a long way up the second division which should bode well for next year if, fingers crossed, we manage not to throw everything away in our last 4 league games...

Mention should go to most of the spine of the team: Pringle again masterful in the centre of midfield (often making me wonder why I don't hear the words Evans and overrated more in the same sentence :o) ); the golden boy's (I can't remember who first called Springett that, but seems wrong) hattrick nearly saw him sent off as he removed his shirt to celebrate his 2nd worst goal this season presumably not remembering that he was already on a yellow; Davies, as usual, was everywhere; Brownie and Wrigley looked assured at the back, possibly sometimes even a little too comfortable; and Eli kept us in it in goal for large portions of the first half with a string of fine saves.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 12 April 2005

If the sign of a good team really is winning when playing badly, then on Sunday we must have pushed ourselves right up there with some of the greatest teams of all time, Brasil in 70, Liverpool in the 80s or (if you listen to Brownie) Chelsea for the next 20 years. We were terrible. Embarassingly so. Having taken the lead following some good work from Springett and a nice finish from Pringle, we surrendered it within 5 minutes. In the 2nd half we proceeded to go 2 - 1 down and Evans tried to start a fight with a man about 8 salary bands more chav than him (bear in mind Evans is still a student...). An own goal, the 2nd worst goal of the season (sorry, but Springett's "outside of the boot" scuff is still way out in front) brought us level but there was still time for Brownie to sky the ball well over the bar from well inside the 6 yard box before a loose ball was tapped into an empty net by Dave Matheson. 15 minutes of absolutely shocking defending later, having given away 2 edge of the box free kicks the likes of which you might remember from the 3 - 3 draw with FC Bertoli, we had somehow picked up 3 points.

And now the whole weekend seems somewhat of a success. Hoxton Foxes lost. Moore House lost. Oxford Arms didn't play. So we're top again, by 1 point, with 1 game in hand. 3 games left. 5 points to get. I can't wait to find out how we can screw that up.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 19 April 2005

It's a game of 2 halves. Or, in this case, 4.

The few of you that weren't there missed a cracker on Sunday. 2-0 up at half time and cruising thanks to a couple of superb goals from Dave Matheson and Deano. Dave tucked his into the far corner from almost on the sideline, sailing it over an interestingly positioned keeper and Deano rifled a powereful drive just inside the left hand post from the edge of the box. We were playing well and all over this "FC Bertoli" who had caused us so much trouble in the past. Curiously we then decided that we didn't really need to play for the rest of the game, such was our superiority. A seemingly endless string of long throws and corners later we were 3 - 2 down with about 10 minutes to go. Latham threw substitutes at the situation in the manner of Sven Goran Ericsson (no, I don't mean that Diddles, Hal and Davies on for Deano, Millsy and Tommy is a dishearteningly defensive set of substitutions, just that it's a lot of changes) and whether it was the fresh legs or the scoreline we were forced into starting to play football again. Still, a goal didn't seem to be forthcoming. Even hitting free kicks at their players in the hope they'd put them into their own net wasn't working this time. Time was very quickly running out. It's very difficult to overstate what happened next. It's roughly the 93rd minute, and Dave Matheson pops up from between 2 defenders, showing pace we thought had long departed him, and lashes the ball over an advancing keeper into the back of the net before disappearing under a pile of ten teammates. He was robbed of the last kick of the the 90 minutes by the referee allowing Bertoli to take their centre before blowing up. Presumably in tribute Tomsy we'd decided to take the Marathon rather than sprint approach to a cup semi-final, but once we were into extra time there was only going to be one winner - for the 3rd time in only 4 rounds our superior fitness shone through in the extra half and hour and a springett goal in each half of extra-time saw us through to the finish as 5-3 winners.

So: 8th May, Douglas Eyre Sports Centre, vs Red Dot A.

But first there's the small matter of the league. 6 points from our 3 remaining games will be enough to win it. This week we've got Tergemo who we failed to beat last time around. Next week is Moore House, then the cup final, and then Hoxton Foxes on the last day of the season (15th May).

It's ours to throw away, let's try and avoid that.

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 25 April 2005

For anyone who wasn't there: we could have won the league on Sunday.

Don't worry, we didn't. Instead we lost to Tergemo. It's very strange to think that that was our first defeat since November. It doesn't feel like it. Maybe that's because of all the 2-2 draws that felt like losses.

1-0's a pretty bad result. I'm sure Big Ron or Kevin Keegan could say something about losing 1-0 being a result you're never going to win with, presumably referring to the general notion that you need to score at least one goal to win a game. There aren't many good things to say about this game. I think it's the first one this season that I didn't think we deserved to win. We weren't really very good: we struggled to create against a solid centre back pairing; we gifted them a rubbish goal that was sliced off the outside of a boot into the top corner; we missed Euge (and Watson for the 1st 45) not only for his individual contribution but the shape he brings to the side and the confidence that watching him dance down the wing seems to instill in everyone else. Apart from a couple of nice moves we never really played any football and resorted at times to England-esque Gary Neville long balls that their centre backs seemed quite comfortable with. In case you can't tell I found it quite depressing. And that was before I found out that Moore House had drawn 3-3 with Bostom Arms B on the neighbouring pitch to end their title ambitions and leave us only needing 3 more points. At least someone had a worse result than us.

Enter Brownie to brighten everyone's day: distinctive, enormously fat Boston Arms B keeper comes over to ask us how it went and pass on their result; Brownie, mistaking him for Moore House's only white player, starts to tell him what a bunch of c#nts Boston Arms B were in the 3 games we played them and how rubbish they were at football; on being politely called up by his team mates for his error, Brown grabs his shovel and attempts to extracate himself from the situation by reminding us of said fat keeper's frankly unbelievable save from a Springett diving header. Mastercard can't buy you that.

Anyway, we didn't win the league and frankly it would have been wrong to do so without Diddles, Clare, Euge or Latham (amongst others) present. So we're going to blame them. We now can't win it for 3 weeks, when we have to beat Moore House to do it. Like I said, this isn't the easy route.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 10 May 2005

For those of you who weren't there on Sunday (shame on you) we played reasonably well against a good side, didn't concede during their strongest periods, let in some rubbish goals (and one quite good one) and didn't really create many chances. We lost 4 - 1, but for our efforts we were rewarded with miniature runners-up cups. Our first silverware. They're clearly not silver.

Last week was, and was always going to be, a nice day out at Walthamstowe and a break from regular league duty. The league is back this weekend and we have Hoxton Foxes to take 3 points from to secure the Division 3 title. People may remember this as one of the sides against whom we squandered a 2 goal lead. They're currently sitting 3rd in the table and will go top (and potentially win it) if they beat us on Sunday. We really need to be up for this game.

It's been brought to my attention that, the pathetic goalkeeping performance at the weekend aside, we've hardly been at our incisive best going forward in the last few weeks. In fact, I can barely remember a Springett shot in any of our last 3 games, and I don't think it's because he's taken to playing a passing game. When I was talking to the journalist from the Camden New Journal (embarassingly having to spell out Adam Brown as Sunday's only scorer) she claimed it was very unlike us not to have created more chances. She's bordering on being a fan, particularly a fan of Springett, and we've been letting her down. We've been letting Fawcett down as well. And Cole and Patchett, to whom thanks should be extended for sitting on the sidelines to watch all 90 minutes on Sunday with not even a grumble.

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 16 May 2005

Anyone who didn't come on Sunday missed a 5 - 4 thriller, putting itself forward as a strong contender for 'game of the day', along with Reddot A's 9-0 drubbing of Surreal Madrid A and Boston Arms B's 13-1 hammering of GNT Athletic who only had 9 men apparently and found the small black kid they played in goal on a bus on the way to the ground.

Our performance was, in all but one manner, magnificent. 4 times we took the lead and 4 times Hoxton (who had roughly a foot of height advantage in every single area of the park) clawed us back from a set piece, until Watson Pringle, bloodied and bruised (probably broken) at the 'nose, popped up in the 6-yard box on the end of a rare Springett cross in front of goal and just barely failed to chip the ball over the bar (in spite of the usual pre-match practice). Somehow we managed to ride out the one corner we had to defend before the final whistler brough champagne-less glory.

It was a great performance from everyone. Tom Koczwara was, in all but the literal sense, a giant and I still don't know how he won quite so much in the air against a midfield roughly twice his height to a man. Oh, and there was that header off the line that I'm sure no one was worried about. Richard Davies, a la Steven Gerrard to Koczwara's Xavi Alonso, unshackled from his defensive responsibilities played some lovely creative football, including some glorious chipped through balls for Springett to chase down the channels. Watson Pringle, as I said, was a match-winner. As well as the winning goal he scored a free-kick from the edge of the box (which the referee was obviously aware was as good as a pentalty for the big Scot, seeing as the infringement had been a good 6 yards inside the box), but was I'm sure relieved that his team mates managed not to concede while he took 5 minutes out to get some sympathy and cosmetic advice from the ladies on the sidelines. Diddles was terrier-like down the left, opening the scoring with a lovely dink over the keeper very early on. Not to be outdone on the other flank Pete Blackwell, with big shoes to fill, was a great outlet, holding up the ball nicely, playing good passes (notably in the build up to the winner) and popping up in the 6 yard box to stick home the 2nd goal. Lucky t-shirt was back for Springett and brought the 3rd goal with it: a finish that it seems only I thought was very good (nice from far I guess) given that he was sat on his arse next to their keeper at the time.

I seem to have said too much already, but I'm understandably excited. Basically, even with a below strength side, we outplayed them everywhere and "on your bike Jack" Warren aside they didn't seem to have too much to offer other than from set pieces. Great result, great season.

Rambaut Fairley · Fri 27 May 2005

"I can't take it. Football has killed me. It's like watching us play."

That was how Cole felt about the first 75 minutes of play in the Champions League Final according to his 9:15 text. Presumably he was showing great foresight and predicting that from 3-3 Liverpool would go on to win the trophy, despite being played off the park for the first 45 minutes of the final game conceding a hatful of goals in the process, by winning the second half.

That's pretty much what happened to us on Sunday - played off the park for 45 mins, hatful of goals, won second half, still won league. Admittedly we conceded 4 in the first half and only won the second 5-4, and only won the league because this was a meaningless end of season showcase, but the similarities are there for all to see. Particularly in the perfomance of the half-time substitute Vladimir Evans on the right wing who terrorised the opposition and stuck a fine goal into the back of the net. Also on the score sheet were Tommy K and Rich Davies, both scoring their first ever goals for the club from the penalty spot, and Sprogett notched up his 32nd competetive goal of the season with a nice finish from a wonderful Smicer throughball.

More importantly - Champions! Anyone who's seen the Camden New Journal will know that we didn't quite manage a bigger photo or story than Arsenal this week - they seem to have won some kind of cup competition.

Ritchie Latham — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Tue 6 September 2005

AC Surma 1 AFC Brasenose 3

John who?

Against what can be described as reasonably weak opposition we performed well not to shoot ourselves in the head and walk away with a 2-2. Bright start and some good attacking play left the AC Surma woodwork rattling as everyone slotted right back into the football groove. Matheson's powerful shot that was palmed onto the bar left their keeper screaming, unfortuneately for the rest of the game.

Pressure told and the breakthrough eventually came as Evans' single-minded persistence resulted in him kicking the ball through the entire Surma back four and keeper. A stunning finish. Another goal from Evans' non-stop harrying of their players and a penalty against us meant that things became so finely balanced as the half drew on that despite the protestations of his team-mates the Surma keeper was coming up for corners in a desperate first-ditch attempt to draw level. Despite this we held on and the HT whistle blew with the scoreline unfairly reflecting the chances created by the two teams.

Half time saw Diddles pole-axed through sun exposure (s'grim up north) and several others through exhaustion. Second half was a resolute display of defending on the edge of the area and being too knackered to bother chasing the ball out. Eva-present Evans cemented his MoM display by becoming the fifth man at the back whilst at the same time finding legs to slot past Surma's sub keeper for his hat-trick. Hal Stockley replaced the frazzled Webster and was a live-wire on the left, winning a penalty which he duly scuffed wide.

The final whistle couldn't have come soon enough for some of us (ahem) despite the fact that it was a good ten short of what it should've been.

We looked in control against this side and I thought that everyone played very well. Special mentions to Cole for deputising in nets in superb fashion, Rich D and Evans for their non stop chasing in the middle of the park and Jules for some tidy flicks and passes when we were breaking.

See you all next week.

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 26 September 2005

For those of you who weren't there on Sunday we went down an undeserved 5-2. Having taken the lead against the run of play with a lovely volley from evans on the edge of the box, we conceded 2 in the last 7 minutes of the first half to go in trailing 2-1. We brought it back to 2-2 with an absolutely horrible finish from Matheson, but once they'd scored a 3rd we had to chase the game and they nabbed a couple extra before the end.

Despite the scoreline it was a good performance against a better team.

Bull had by far the best of the possession for most of the game but didn't do much with it, preferring instead to send long balls up from the fullbacks in the first half and shoot massively over from range in the second half, in which there was a period of about 15 minutes in which it felt like we had 25 goal kicks. at one point Eli asked them to put one of their subs behind the goal to fetch the ball for him.

strangely, presumably not having met banter before, they proceeded to do so. on the occassions that they did get a clear sight of goal the words unbelievable and incredible really aren't enough to descirbe some of Eli's saves. he was immense.

there were a lot of positives to be taken from this game: we defended well, and worked hard despite the absence of our 4 fittest players. in a post-match interview their ... i'm not sure how to describe him: they had 4 subs, 2 linesmen, one guy on each side of the pitch barking orders, and this guy with a grey ponytail who handed over the cash and then asked for a signed receipt .... treasurer (?) promptly announced that they'd won the 1st division of the Edmonton Sunday League for the last 2 years and had a couple of Enfield Town players playing.

on the downside, we're out of the (L)FA cup, but still have a couple more competitions coming around before Christmas and a league to concentrate on.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Mon 3 October 2005

This is the horrible pun I've decided the Sun would use to headline the back page regarding Sunday's game. That or: What's big, red and rubbish at football? 7 - 0 was a good result and, more importantly, was the sort of result we should be racking up against weak sides when we come across them. Most important of all we played really nice football for most of the game and in reality could have had about 12 had we manged to pick up more than the single goal in the first half.

Top scorer Evans gets the headline for picking up another hatrick but it was a really good team performance. We played some really great football and not just in spells but throughout. I thought Brownie was great at the back (and even more importantly calm), Paddy and Rich D ran the show in the middle and although I was bored and increasingly hungover I really did enjoy seeing our back four take their time and knock short simple passes about. That said, I also enjoyed seeing Ritchie Latham take a massive airkick at the ball, fall over twice like some kind of nightmareish ballerina and get steam rollered by a guy probably twice his size (seriously, he was HUGE) and collapse in a wimpering heap. It was good to see Springett back in the black and gold, although I'm sure he's mistified that he didn't manage to pick up more than one against this lot. Other goals were Matheson, Stockley, and Wrigley although definitely not in that order.

Interestingly at one point apparently the large crimson opposition were heard to remark, shortly after his 2nd or 3rd goal, that Neil was "wasted on the wing". Perhaps this lack of regard for the wide areas explains how much we were able to flay them down either side all day, but I'm more intrigued by the idea that a guy who's scored a hattrick from midfield is being wasted. How many did they want him to get, 8?

Surely idea of someone being wasted implies that there were other areas of the pitch where we weren't dominating the game - to be honest I think I'm the only one of our 13 players who couldn't claim to have had the better of the game compared to their opponent and that's only because they didn't seem to have a centre forward that I could identify and their goalkeeper was one of the busiest people I've ever seen in a football match (and actually not that bad).

This game is not in the club's match records — recovered from the email archive alone.

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 10 October 2005

Congratulations to everyone who played on Sunday. Another terrific performance, particularly in the first half. Apart from them not deserving a goal I think 6-1 accurately reflects the fact that they weren't quite as bad as Big Red, but still pretty woeful. It's only slightly worrying that we again dominated the first 45 minutes completely but only managed 1 goal, and I can't remember a better example at any level of a defence being caught napping when we allowed the corner from which they scored. This shouldn't be taken as criticism - I don't have any negative things to say.

I thought the midfield 4 were again magnificent: despite the frequent loud northern curses as passes didn't quite land on the six pence he was aiming for I thought Wriggles had another great game: he won everything in the air in the middle of the park and his dropping short in the midfield has converted our back four from a group of safety conscious hoofers (no offence) into a unit comfortable to knock the ball about between them and begin building attacks with short balls rather than long ones - save the one occasion where we went to sleep in the first half our football has been a pleasure to watch the past two games in every area of the pitch (good thing too as I've had precious little else to do). Davies as ever was right in the thick of things, upsetting the opposition with a quick free kick for our 4th goal. He and Paddy seem to operate really well together (although that might just be because it's not that easy to tell the difference between them when you're as far away as I am). Another goal from Evans as he settles into being "wasted"

in his new left wing berth, was matched by a great finish from Euge coming in off the other wing. Those of you who weren't there on Sunday won't have met Musa (St Johns) but he marked his debut with a goal following a long throw from the left: until Sprogs went off at the beginning of the first half the two of them combined well up front and on another day with a bit more experience playing together there would have been quite a few more goals from those two. Unfortunately brownie also scored. Despite having missed our 4 best chances, and desperately having claimed the first ball after his "cross" was hoisted over his own keeper by a centre back presumably surprised to find his opposite number hurtling down the wing towards him, Adam crawled onto the score sheet in the second half when from a short corner Neil pinged the across the 6 yard box hit a defender, hit brownie, hit the defender again, hit the keeper and went in (or at least that's what I've been told). Wriggles completes our list of scorers with a great top corner finish from close range after a lovely team move.

Thanks

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 17 October 2005

On the whole it was a good result on Sunday. I didn't think we deserved to be 2-0 up when we were, as they'd had the better of the game and made more chances to that point, but from there I don't think they deserved to get it back to 2-2 by half-time. In the end 3-3 was probably a fair result - the mistified looks on the faces of their defenders in the changing rooms afterwards when their centre forward suggested that they'd had the best of the second half were quite entertaining - but I can't help but think we could have snuck all three points but for a few slips at key stages. Still, it was a game that was as important not to lose as it was to win and we did that, and played well doing it. Paddy Wrigley was, again, simply awesome; Euge reminded us that we're yet to come up against a left sided combo that he hasn't had the beating of and I'm sure he'll tell you that the 2 crosses he popped the wrong side of the posts in the 2nd half were just range finders for the one he stuck into the top left hand corner over a stranded keeper; John and Musa, and then Max, led the line well and were more than their centre backs could cope with, especially from set plays where we were unusually dangerous against the rarity of a team smaller than us; Evans and Davies unfortunately had to depart the field early (although Neil broke into double figures for the season with his 10th goal in just 5 games) but Matheson slotted into the middle nicely (and won a surprising amount in the air) and we won't mention the fact he missed a penalty but rather debate who there is left in the squad that hasn't. The back four were solid as well, particularly in the first half when despite their superior possession we restricted them to few chances - Brownie and Archer in particular were outstanding and no one is to listen to Hal's claims that he can't play centre back.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 24 October 2005

Congratulations again to everyone as the AFC BNC bandwagon marches on.

With Reddot B not in league action this week we should have drawn level with them at the top of the table! This was definitely not a scoreline that flattered us, but I think it's fair to say that we weren't quite up to our best of recent weeks. Despite my midweek plea for more players we were able to field 13 on Sunday which I think is a tribute to the great spirit and commitment we've had from everyone so far this season. I'm really grateful for it - it makes my job a lot easier.

In the car on the way to the ground Brownie was complaining that the Camden New Journal had got our result last week all wrong, claiming we twice came from behind to secure a 3 all draw. It was pointed out that the journalist involved was clearly unfamiliar with our style of play and our preference for taking early leads and throwing them away. A voice from the back pointed out that when we come from behind, we normally win. As I picked the ball out of the back of our net after about 10 minutes I thought about kicking Tommy in the head for that comment, almost as much as I did the week before when he happily commented "you know, we've never played at Hackney in any really really unpleasant weather yet, have we?". But he was right, and come from behind we did. By half time we were 2-1 up. Rich Davies pounced to knock the ball home after Sprogs delicately guided a Brownie free kick past the on-rushing keeper for the first, and said keeper generously spooned Adam's (surprisingly on target) shot over his head and in for the second.

We'd never really got going in the first half and they had the better of the opening moments of the second as we struggled to get to grips with some frighteningly disorganised management. However, the third goal was soon to come: we'd been knocking corners across their six yard box at will for much of the game (as we did last week) without being able to get on the end of them but finally Millsy (E) at the back post was able to bundle a small Asian guy into the back of the net who dutifully took the ball with him. As Tim Archer would later reflect, that goal really took the wind out of their sails, and more comfortable in our position we began to play some better football, scything them open at times with real ease and some lovely cross field play. Before the end Lang picked up his first goal for AFC BNC with a real poacher's finish in the area.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 31 October 2005

Right, well the less said about yesterday the better I think. Basically we were rubbish, I was appauling and the defence was terrible. And we lost 5-4 to a team we beat 2 weeks ago 7-0. The only thing I've got to add to that is that I was a little disappointed to see the team spirit go down the toilet as quickly as the football. Despite Brownie's excellent week-in-week-out demonstration of the art, I'm not convinced that just shouting at your team mates is the answer.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 7 November 2005

I just like seeing it written down.

Brilliant result, everyone. And a great performance. They might not have been the same team we played last season but they were good enough going forward to have easily made this a 5 - 4 game had we not defended so resolutely and attacked so dangerously, particularly on the counter attack at the beginning of the second half.

I'll start with the goals - Musa opened the scoring, Latham picked up two either side of a lovely strike from Hal from the edge of the box.

Particularly for the benefit of Watson and Sprogs on their travels I need to mention that Ritchie scored BOTH his goals with his feet, and the second was a deft John Barnes-esque left foot backheel through his own legs. No, we didn't believe it either. The second half was the Davies and Matheson show, the two of them taking turns to bag the 4 goals. That's not to mention Tommy K's long range shooting, the best of which pinged downwards off the bar nowhere near the line and TK just managed to fight back the urge to claim it was over it.

Memories of last week's troubling defensive performance were quickly banished, with all four of Coley, Latham, Brownie and TK putting in excellent last ditch challenges at some stage of the game and looking very solid throughout. I personally thought Brownie was excellent, but then I remember that both TK and Coley cleared off the line and Latham got his (admittedly large) frame in the way of at least 2 goal bound deliveries. They were all outstanding.

That said, the biggest plaudits must go to Dave Matheson - 2 goals and 4 assists I think the best description I heard of his performance was Sheringham-like. Between drilled corners, sprayed cross-field passes and delicate through balls he took two great finishes when through on the keeper. And of course we shouldn't overlook the fact that Davies notched 2, and from open play at that, which takes his tally for the season to 4, quadrupling last season's total already. John who? In between his goal scoring feats Davies also did an excellent job of shackling Patrick Vieira.

Paddy Wrigley was, as usual, excellent. The difference it makes to the team, particularly the back four, having him drop deep in the midfield and look for the ball is almost unmeasurable. And the thing that perhaps surpised me the most, and maybe sums the game and the spirit up best, was looking up in the second half to find Euge coming in Beckham-like off his wing to wrestle the ball back and indulge in some of the dirtier side of the game of which he's normally on the receiving end.

That was a great performance and it deserved a great scoreline.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 16 November 2005

Quick recap of last weekend. We didn't play our best, I'm not sure we would have deserved 3 points, but these are the games the pundits are talking about when they say you need to win when playing badly.

Obviously conceding a last minute equaliser leaves a bitter taste in the mouth, but I think we need to take this result and think about it - we didn't play very cleverly on Sunday. We were up against a good side, but used our possession the same way we would against Big Red where you can afford to give the ball away knowing you can get it back. There were other things, like sending both centrebacks up for a corner with 10 minutes left when leading 4-3, and I heard someone say after the game that, when we had another corner and the ref said there was 1 minute to go, we contemplated knocking it into the corner and playing out the clock but decided just to ping it into the box instead. I'm not sure time wasting would have been the right approach, I just think it's the kind of thing we don't even think about but could help us stop conceding 94th minute equalisers. Overall they seemed hungrier for it, and won more than their fair share of 50-50s and I think on the whole a draw was a good result. It was more than Reddot took off them and leaves us 2 points back with a game in hand.

Rich Davies was amongst the scorers again with another penalty that was slightly too close to the keeper for comfort. And Musa bagged his first hattrick for the Nose, the first a lovely volley from a tight angle, the second a dink over the keeper when put through by stanton, and the third when he was startled by a Eugene cross that landed on the pitch (sorry Euge).

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 22 November 2005

Well that was far too close for comfort.

On the whole, and despite Paul Stephany's post-match protestations that a draw would have been a fair result, we deserved to win. 2-0 up at half-time without playing well, our ability to throw away leads never ceases to amaze me. 2 individual errors and somehow it was all square.

It really seemed it was going to end that way as well. Euge seemed to spend pretty much all of the last 5 minutes hurling the ball into the box at latham only for their centre back to head clear for another throw. Top marks to Matheson and Euge for a bit of innovation: for those familiar with the genre, it was early 80s Tom Cruise-esque, very reminiscent of the closing sequences of Days of Thunder where, having spent the whole film overtaking on the outside, he sells a dummy and cuts inside a bamboozled looking Cary Elwes (who??). On Sunday, realising the long throw wasn't working they took a quick throw short, Dave beat a man and sent over a cross to the back post cutting out the tall guy who was causing all the problems. Hearts stopped as Brownie popped up back stick with one of his trademark headers into the ground about a yard in front of him. This one though, didn't loop up over the bar but rather floated into the top right corner. Brownie - last minute goal-scoring hero. There, I said it.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 30 November 2005

They are Big. They are Bad. But on Sunday, they just didn't show up.

Literally. By 10:30 they'd managed to amass 4 players pitch-side. None seemed very keen to get changed, mainly as they didn't have any kit yet.

At 10:40 they started putting the nets up, despite the referee's warnings that if they didn't have 7 by 10:45 they'd have to forfeit. At 10:50 their 7th man turned up. By then the game was ours. They're sneaky this Big Red lot; somehow they managed to find a way to prevent us taking our rightful place in the Bill Price - "The only cup worth winning" TM.

Anyway, we gave them a couple of players (James Graham and Craig Patchett - ensuring that Crapchat is still yet to don the Gold & Black yet this season) and partook of a friendly which was surprisingly evenly balanced and was still goalless after 40 minutes of 10 vs 9. Then one of their players pulled a hamstring, we generously gave them Paddy and promptly ran away with it. Well, it felt like we ran away with it. It actually ended 3 - 2. Paddy controversially bundled Tim Archer over for a penalty to give us a 2 goal lead, and a deflection via Latham's shoulder made it 3 - 1 before they grabbed a last-minute second consolation.

It was fun, but not proper, and therefore a bit rubbish.

Rambaut

PS. I don't want to beat around the bush - I scored a goal. If I were less modest I'd describe it as a delicate chip from the edge of the area. It was brilliant. So there.

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 14 December 2005

We suffered our first league defeat of the season on Sunday to a mid-table side who were nothing special other than quite chavy. It was disappointing to say the least but, given that it was 2-2 when I came on and ended 2-4, I don't think I can dish out too much criticism.

That said, the first half was dismal. I can tell you, watching us play can be a horrible experience. The defending was at times terrifying, particularly from long throws, and we suceeded in playing our own midfield out of the game. We didn't deserve to be 2 down, or rather we might have done but they didn't deserve to be 2 up having failed to threaten considerable from open play. Pretty much the only nice bit of football in the half was Rich Davies' recovery tackle and slide-rule pass and Musa's cracking finish, which all combined to form our first goal.

When we equalised early in the second, Latham poking home a scrappy goalmouth scramble, I thought we'd go on to win it, perhaps comfortably.

But we never really found the enetration we were looking for against a team who, frankly, were just much more up for it than we were - I imagine they'd have got more than 6 players to turn up to their curry had they had one on Friday night. Davies managed to get one of them sent off, and I was surprised when their captain didn't follow him after narrowly failing to break both of Matheson's legs. Late. From behind. I don't think we let their agression get to us, but I don't think we showed enough of our own. Lately, when faced with a challenge, rather than pulling together to get out of it we've tended to focus on moaning at each other about whose fault it is we've got into it. On Sunday (and to be honest this is true in most games) it was everyone's fault. We didn't score enough goals, and we conceded too many. If we're going to be a team who only scores 2, we need to be a team that doesn't concede 4. In the past in this league that's been how we've done it. We've rarely been the highest scorers, we've always conceded the fewest - our game on average contains the fewest goals of the day. To be fair, on Sunday we conceded 2 long throws, one corner (which Euge honourably claimed as an own goal), and a last minute penalty. We're rubbish at set pieces. We know this. We're not happy about it. And whilst we spent a lot of time post match discussing what we could do about it, we paid no attention to the fact that we're rubbish from corners at both ends. When a team leaves the front post unguarded and lets Dave drill corner after corner across the six yard box we need to make something from it, as much as we need not to allow long throws to bounce in the six yard box, whether its directly or by showing some of the imagination we showed with the long throws a few weeks before against Dorigo that brought us a last minute winner.

I was supposed to leave this email long enough that I didn't rant.

Sorry. Maybe tomorrow would have been better.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 3 January 2006

I was reminded over the Christmas period that I hadn't written a report on the Hornsey game. Seems a long time ago now, but we won 4 - 1, Julian scored a hattrick, we didn't play very well and they weren't really very good. That's about it.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Wed 11 January 2006

They're Big, They're Red; This time they might get out of bed.

For those who don't know a 2 - 1 defeat to Reddot B on Sunday took our fate out of our own hands. We're now 8 points behind them with 2 games in hand. It's a shame as it was a good performance on Sunday, the goals we let in weren't great, the one Latham scored certainly wasn't, but I really thought we were going to pick up an equaliser and still think we deserved one.

Rambaut Fairley — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Thu 19 January 2006

And please don't lets put in anything remeniscent of the God-awful performance at the weekend. We won 3 - 1. against Big Red. And were on the back foot for most of the 2nd half. It was horrible. We would get killed this weekend with anything like that as a performance. On the plus side the defence I thought played pretty well, especially given how much possession we let the large scarlet ones have. I think my favourite part was where, after absorbing 45 minutes of unnerving pressure at 2 - 1, we strung 4 passes together (just to prove it was possible) and sprogs walked the ball into the net (his second. Don't know who scored the other, sorry). Special mention to wrigley for not quite scoring one of the best goals of all time, opting instead for one of his trademark up- and away-swinging shots.

This game is not in the club's match records — recovered from the email archive alone.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 24 January 2006

Hi everyone. Am very busy this week so not enough time for a proper write up of the weekend's game. We did a lot of things right and a lot of things quite badly. They were good side, but this was still a game we could have won. At a one-on-one level we defended pretty well, but as a unit (both defence and midfield) we defended poorly and failed to react well enough to their knockdowns in the box, and the second ball more generally elsewhere. The first division, on the evidence we've had, is a pretty big step up from the 2nd and 3rd and that was reflected in the fact that they created quite a lot of chances, many more than we allow on average. They played pretty selflessly in the final third and that's not something we're used to so they found it quite easy to carve us open when too many of our players were sucked towards the ball. In the other direction, as usual we probably didn't retain possession enough to give ourselves a break at the back and they were harder to break down than most teams we come across. The game had the look of a cup tie about it - we had a lot of heart and the fight back in the last 20 minutes was terrific but they were certainly the better team. On the whole I was pleased with the performance.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 13 February 2006

Firstly congratulations to everyone who played on Sunday. Rarely have I seen such a one-sided performance although if you feel as I do this will be little consolation on a 1-1 draw they so thoroughly didn't deserve.

It was a good game, but not one packed with chances. I don't recall making a save and, Matheson's superb finish and a last minute clearance off the line after he was beaten by Evans aside, we didn't give their "fomer blues" keeper much to do either - admittedly their back four were kept substantially busier.

Still, it leaves us in a pretty rubbish position. We now lie third, with Archway Allstars breathing down our necks. There are a lot of games between teams at the top end of the table in the run in (both Phoenix and Archway have still to play Reddot) so it's not all over but a combination of poor recent results and disadvantageous team withdrawals has left us much worse off than we were before Christmas.

Thanks

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 21 February 2006

Anyone who wasn't in Oxford on Friday / Saturday missed out on an awesome time. Anyone who wasn't still there on Sunday morning is probably the better for it. The bar, India Garden, Filth, the Ground, the Folly Bridge Inn and everyone from BNC 1st XI were gracious hosts. Well, maybe not Ditchburn.

On the football front we taught the youngsters a lesson with a 5 - 3 drubbing. The excuses came early about the lack of available players but on the whole they were quite a good side and retained possession in the opposition half in a manner we rarely achieve. The youth team is coming along nicely. Goals came from Springett x 2, Evans x 2 and a delightful long range effort from Paddy that curled past Eli into the top right hand corner.

Sunday was a different story. Feeling the strain of the weekend's activities we were alarmingly down to 8 men by the time the campervan reached the M25. Valiant efforts from Stockley and Tom Mills-Webb to raise themselves off their deathbeds were greatly appreciated as was Duncan's impressive turn around time: bed to pitch in 70 minutes by public transport. It was still 10 minutes pasts a heavily delayed 10:45 kick off before we had 11 people on the pitch, but against the run of play Sprogs opened the scoring against a typically shaky Moore House defence. From there both sides traded chances and goals to go in 2 - 2 at half time. It was a much quieter 2nd half the 5 man midfield helping an improved defensive display, and it was huge relief when duncan popped up in the box to knock home his 2nd of the game to make it 3 - 2. There was still time for him to clear off the line at the back post, just in case the man of the match award was in any doubt.

All in all a good weekend's football - 2 wins, 3 points and our league campaign is back on track. Particular thanks go out to hardcore who made both games this weekend - Wriggles (who foolishly put in a showing for the HCR on Saturday morning to make it 270 minutes in about 26 hours - that's almost 20% of the time playing football...), Stockley, Pooley, Latham and Springett.

The situation in the league is currently this - we lost out on the withdrawal of EC1 as we'd beaten them whereas those around us (Phoenix and Archway) has drawn. This now means Phoenix have the potential to be level on points we Red Dot and Archway can overtake us (that said I think Phoenix hammered Archway yesterday so they shouldn't be able to any more). Both teams still have to play Red Dot and us. Essentially we have to win all our remaining games (Archway Allstars, Phoenix, Hornsey not necessarily in that order) but it also depends on the result of the Red Dot vs Phoenix game. If Reddot win, or it's a draw then it's still in our hands because we play Phoenix, otherwise we'd need one of them to slip up against Archway.

This game is not in the club's match records — recovered from the email archive alone.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 28 February 2006

We lost 5 - 0 at the weekend for those of you fortunate enough to miss it. Worryingly, we didn't play that badly defensively, other than at set-pieces where our marking was lax and we consistently abandoned our men once the first ball had been contested. Latham actually won the first header for both the 1st and 3rd goals only for the ball to fall to one of their strikers who had misteriously been abandoned in the penalty box. They got a couple from more-open play as we tried to push forward to reach a scoreline which flattered them but I'm more concerned by the fact we didn't even look like scoring. Against what was a game-changing wind with 10 men, 2 - 0 down at half-time was by no means an unassailable defecit, but once it became apparent they were going to deal with the swirling aerial balls much better than we had we seemed to lack a plan b. As I said on Sunday, a lot of discussion of not playing champagne football doesn't seem to cut out the chipped through balls that run out for goal kicks - we get impatient on the ball, and we're seemingly terrified of retaining possession and waiting for an avenue of attack to open up. It was a difficult pitch, several times the ball bobbled past an attemtped control and out of play, but I don't think that properly excuses what was a dreadful performance.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 8 May 2006

Probably 4th which I don't think our season deserved.

If you could sum up AFC BNC in 100 minutes (which, quite frankly you definitely can) it would have been Sunday: Wrigley jogging over from the far side of the marshes with 5 minutes to spare, Hal's post match crate of beer, and a game in which we went from 3-1 up to 3 - 3 between the 80th and 88th minutes only for W M Pringle to pop up from his hangover with a 90th minute winner.

We probably needed to win by 6 on Sunday (although it varies from 2 to 16 depending on what website you look at) to pip Archway to 3rd, a tally that wouldn't have been beyond us had we shot more accurately throughout the game or just tried a little harder once they'd been forced to put a ginger midget in goal.

It's a shame that a season that started so well has ended with us finishing 4th, behind at least one team we're confident that we're better than but are yet to beat. But the table doesn't lie: of our 30 points this season 28 have been taken from the 5 teams who finished below us (a draw with Dorigo and cup defeat to Big Red being the only blemishes on that record) whilst early season draws with Red Dot B and Archway (both games we should have won) represent our only points taken from teams in the top 3.

It's a difficult season to judge: every time I want to say we didn't attack well enough I have to acknowledge we didn't defend well enough but the fact remains we've scored over a goal per game fewer than the 3 above us but conceded roughly the same. We've suffered certainly from a lack of availability / commitment - Springett picked up his 8th and 9th goals of the season in his 10th game pushing past Evans' total of 8 from 7 (the fact that Springett has 7 assists to Neil's 1 is quite surprising). Both will lay claim to the golden boot - Neil having had 2 goals stricken from the record by a defaulting opposition and Springett having scored the same number against the college. 3 others have records of a goal a game or better from 5 games or fewer . We have 18 goal scorers and none in double figures. Archway have 12 but 3 of them have 17 goals or more.

There is a chance we will still go up - the top Division currently consists of 5 teams. I think I'd rather than and get deservedly beaten than another season feeling like we're underacheiving.

Thanks for the season everyone - shout out to Wrigley after possibly his last ever game for the club...

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 19 September 2006

It was great to have such a good turn out for Sunday and even better to put in a performance that made us look like we deserved to be wearing all white. A 1-1 draw against (probably) one of the stronger sides in the division is good first result of the season but, as Steve McLaren might say, the performance was equally important. We looked calm on the ball, particularly at the back, and we created by far the lion's share of the chances. Possibly our only cause for concern is that none of them came from open play.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Thu 5 October 2006

Anyone who missed out on the first victory of the season on Sunday missed a good performance and our first goal from open play (and 5 more from set pieces).

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 24 October 2006

Disappointing result at the weekend. It's becoming increasingly important that, when we come up against the likes of Victory, Archway and even Surreal again, we manage to pick up 3 points. No, not in total.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 31 October 2006

Good result at the weekend beating a side with a 100% record in division two 3-2 to progress to the Quarter Finals of the Challenge Cup. There we'll meet Reddot B or Tergemo. Reddot B then.

One thing - it's really good that we're getting a great turn out at the moment, and I had to ask 3 people not to come on Sunday. It was therefore much less great that someone didn't turn up on Sunday morning, and is even less great that he still hasn't said anything to me about it. If you wake up on Sunday to find yourself on the floor of some girl's flat on the wrong side of the river wearing a dress, as Ditchburn did this weekend, and aren't going to make it to the game, let me know so that I can ask someone else to come along.

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 6 November 2006

Well, suffice to say it was quite a good result on Sunday. It's difficult to be anything other than ecstatic with an 11-0 drubbing, even if everyone accepts it could probably have been 20 without too much trouble. The standard of the opposition, and they were awful, shouldn't take away from the fact that we played well and cut through what defenders they had (I am pretty certain this can't have included a left back given the amount of space Euge had) like a hot knife through butter.

Other highlights of the game were some particularly good individual performances, Cole and Arthur especially, and Latham proving both that he does actually know where a centre back is supposed to stand and that deliberately swinging and missing at the ball in the 6 yard box can make even the worst team look like they're about to score.

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 22 November 2006

Oh, and in a sideline, we lost to the college for the first time in our illustrious history. This was mainly because Tom Bowden is not a very good goalkeeper. But we don't blame him, because he was playing in goal, which meant I wasn't, which must be good.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Thu 30 November 2006

Quick summation of the game against Globetown. We were unlucky to lose 3-2. We deserved better. The game, given the conditions, was also something of a farce.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Thu 21 December 2006

It has been brought to my attention that I haven't communicated the weekend's result to everyone yet which, for those of us in India, is somewhat annoying.

We won at the weekend. 3 - 0. then Euge got punched in the face for calling a fat guy fat and the game got stopped.

Don't worry, Euge's face should be fine.

3 good points. A good performance. Would have been even more convincing if we'd had more than 9 mobile players.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 16 January 2007

Our winning run was brought to an end on Sunday by Globetown. It was a shame as they weren't anywhere near the quality that their league position (3 points clear of Reddot A at the top but yielding 2 games in hand) suggests. We basically got punished for our mistakes: 2 - 0 down after half an hour following two scuffed finishes where we didn't pick people up for the 2nd ball at set pieces, we worked our way back to 2 - 2 only for the referee to send Dave off for his 2nd bookable offence. We then conceded two before parity in numbers could be restored through some patented Neil Evans winding up of scally oppo until they try to hit him. If you see Dave Hollowday he will try to apologise to you - tell him he doesn't have to and that the referee was just excited by the novelty of getting the change to give someone 2 yellow cards for challenges rather than chat or fighting.

Thanks

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 24 January 2007

Great result and great performance on Sunday. Some have described it as our best ever. For those not present, we beat Reddot B 3 - 1 to edge ever further away from the bottom 3.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 19 March 2007

For the benefit of the majority of you that weren't there, as Dave alluded to in his email, we lost the cup semi-final on Sunday. It was certainly the windiest day I can recall and not really worth playing football in. Given that the opposition number 10 described the wind as their "14th player" during the 2nd half, coupled with the fact that we only had 10 of our own (no disrespect to Arthur's ringers) and their position at the very top of the league, the result wasn't really very surprising and I guess, aside from in patches, we probably didn't look any better than the 5 - 0 drubbing they gave us. Don't think that's anyone's fault, you just can't play a game that important against a team that good with that few players, especially in those conditions.

Cheers

Rambaut

The report says we lost 1–4. The club's records say 1–3. One of them is wrong.

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 26 March 2007

Sunday was probably the second worse result in our history (losing to Big Red was worse). We lost 4 - 1. They were really not very good. But there's not much you can do without the requisite number of players for large parts of the game.

Cheers

Rambaut

Watson Pringle · Mon 3 September 2007

In recent years a combination of Dorigo's inertia and AFC's heady rise to the top flight of Camdenian football have seen the CSFL's only all-Oxonian tie relegated to the status of pre-season 'friendly', although the long-running and deep-rooted rivalry between goal-keeper/organisers Stephany and Fairley continues to ensure that this fixture is anything but.

The opening exchanges were 'village', with AFC unable to string two passes together, and Dorigo self-indulgent in impressive, though largely pointless (unusually) passing triangles. As the half progressed, Dorigo upped the tempo to a light canter, forcing Fairley to make several impressive saves, most notably from Captain Latham's audacious volley from the edge of the six-yard box. Several spectators suggested after the game that it was going wide anyway - the present author remains unconvinced. AFC eventually responded towards the end of the half, creating several chances on the break, an opening goal prevented only by Stephany's fine double-save. Minutes later, however, The Mouth was left standing by an excellently-judged lob from talismanic striker John Springett who, despite playing in his only game of this season due to an imminent secondment to Madrid, has surely now staked a strong claim to a fourth consecutive Golden Boot.

The second half saw the game stretched, although with no perceptible increase in quality. Excitement was provided for the midfield only in guessing the destination of stand-in keeper Koczwara's goal kicks which, apparently due to the lightness of the ball and the wind, amongst other environmental factors, shot off unpredictably in various directions.

On the hour mark, AFC's mercurial central midfielder David Hollowday showed glimpses of both the magic and the mayhem when, after a mazy run and impressive dive (the latter attracting perfect scores from everyone except the more mardy, eastern European, judges) the referee pointed to the spot. Of the resulting penalty, the less said the better, save that Springett could be heard from the sidelines asking whether Hollowday had simply passed the ball to Stephany in a gesture of fair play. After that, not much happened of note, and AFC ended up beating Dorigo which, after all, is the main thing.

In other news, stock market mayhem continues, Villa beat Chelsea and (credit to Cole for spotting this one), government environmental consultant Michael Jefferson issued a statement criticising wind farms as being "not in windy places". A fundamental error.

Archway Allstars next week in the first league game of the season - good turnout essential.

Watson Pringle · Mon 10 September 2007

After a while, you just stop being surprised by this sort of thing. This week AFC gave a performance worthy of comparison with AC Milan, but for all the wrong reasons.

Having lost striker Springett to Madrid in the summer window, AFC lined up for the first match of the season in a 4-5-1 formation, the midfield troika of Davies, Hollowday and Pringle, combined with the return of Pooley to the wing, causing considerable pre-match excitement around a packed Marshes. AFC began the match well, passing and moving in a manner seldom seen the week before. Soon, however, the ironically-named Allstars took charge, creating several chances and severely testing the AFC defence.

It was therefore against the run of play that AFC were awarded a penalty on the half hour mark, a flailing defensive boot adjudged too high by the referee. Whilst several AFC players kept Hollowday well away from the ball, regular penalty taker Richard "Steel Nuts" Davies made no mistake from the resulting spot-kick, using the old trick of the eyes to send the keeper the wrong way. These events severely tested Allstars' mental stability, and this was seized upon by the AFC midfield, deftly raising the covert banter level to a maximum. Minutes later, Hollowday burst into the penalty area and again went down as readily as [insert crude metaphor], causing the referee again to point to the spot. The ensuing apoplectic rage amongst the Allstars was compounded when Davies' impudent penalty, a carbon copy of the first, again sent the keeper the wrong way.

AFC began the second half well, slipping back into their passing rhythm, and were rewarded on the hour mark when a patient build-up saw Pooley's back-post cross headed in by Arthur Green, purveyor of poor anagrams. Archway complaints that the ball had in fact been cleared when it was only a metre or so over the line (and in fact touching the net) were waved away by the referee. AFC were now well on top, and minutes later it should all have been over when Allstars were reduced to 10 men by the dismissal of their creative, but fatally flawed, No.7 for arguing with the referee.

So far so good. What happened next would for any other side require some considerable explanation. Allstars having been awarded a free kick on the top corner of the AFC area, the ball was passed quite slowly, and without any bend, two metres to the left of the 5-man AFC wall and into the bottom left corner of the net. With hindsight, the wall may have been in the wrong place. Then a looped header went in. No-one seemed to understand how or why, but they all count. From a comfortable position, AFC found themselves only a goal ahead with 20 minutes still to play and with several walking wounded still on the field. Captain Latham, by now occupying the much-coveted sole place on the bench, could only look on, resplendent in a newly acquired Nike bullet-proof vest. Shrewd fellow. Two minutes from time, an unlucky challenge by otherwise-dominant stand-in keeper Koczwara conceded a penalty, which was summarily dispatched by Allstars' substitute striker. AFC then weathered a few more clear-cut chances and limped away with a draw. A fair result? Probably. Satisfying? No. But - let's face it - pretty standard really, and some promising football played at times.

In other news, England and Scotland both won their Euro 2008 qualifying matches, the mighty Scots now second in the group ahead of Italy and Ukraine - what could possibly go wrong? Oh, and it turns out that those parents who thought they had lost their kid actually killed it. More next week.

Watson Pringle · Wed 19 September 2007

This week saw AFC matched against a Red Dot Allstars XI made up of two teams both of which finished above them in the table last year. Captain and spiritual leader Mickey Dowsett informed those interested after the game that he had lost several players after this year's mandatory retrial. Those (few) who can remember the end of the AFC retrial at The Castle can surely sympathise.

The tone was set early in the game when after some sustained Red Dot pressure, a shot from range was only half-parried by Mitropolous, and was thundered home from the edge of the six yard box. Things got worse for BNC when David Hollowday was unable to shake off the effects of a hard challenge around the 25-minute mark, meaning that after two years the first product of the extensive AFC graduate recruitment drive, Freddie Young, was given the chance to make an impressive debut in centre midfield. Minutes later a fine fingertip save from Mitropolous kept Red Dot's lead temporarily to one, but two further goals before half-time left AFC 3-0 down, and looking (and, in fact, being) out of it. The sombre half-time mood was lifted only by comments that we all knew what could happen to a 3-0 lead (see last week's report) and the rather comical suggestions that the first half's rout had in some way been caused by the wind.

The second half saw AFC adopt a much more solid structure, restricting Red Dot to only fifteen or sixteen clear-cut chances on goal. AFC's chances came from quite a long goal kick and an attemped through-ball from Davies that hit the author in the back of the head. AFC's attempts at mental penetration also drew a blank, as it turns out that teams are less susceptible to such treatment when cruising at 3-0. The sense of disappointment around the AFC camp which, as ever, had lifted by the time the team bus(es) drew up at the Princess of Wales, returned with news that sometime goalkeeper Rambaut "Deal-Sealer" Fairley had fractured an ankle during the game, defiant in the face of Red Dot allegations of faking. All in all not a huge success, albeit against a side which, in the conspicuous absence of Globetown and Holloway this year, must feel confident about lifting a 343rd Camden league title.

As for other news, in light of the outrage generated by last week's excerpt, the author intends in this week's ION to steer well clear of any thorny areas. Unlike Colin McRae. Also, England continue to struggle at sports, while the Scots excel across the board. Until next time, I wish you all my kind of success.

Matt Houston · Thu 27 September 2007

On Sunday 21st September AFC Brasenose found themselves, for the second week in succession, up against opposition of a high caliber, this time in the form of Phoenix FC. With several regular first team members missing for a variety of reasons ranging from the sublime (broken bones) to the ridiculous (missing moles/building kitchens), the ranks were filled with some slightly unfamiliar faces. As well as a welcoming to the fray a whole clan of Stockleys (to whom we are eternally grateful) it was with great delight that AFC finally witnessed the long overdue debut of Thomas Henry Sawbridge (graduated '05), filling in at the back in place of the absent Latham and Brown.

After the customary, if somewhat cursory, minute's warm-up the game got under way. Within two minutes AFC found themselves with their backs to the wall. Following a melee in the box ensuing from a poorly defended corner, one of the Brasenose debutants was cruelly adjudged to have handled the ball in the area. The referee, whose performance in the pre-season friendly had impressed so much, had no hesitation in pointing to the spot. In the absence of first, second and, indeed third choice keepers, AFC found themselves relying on the services of your author to keep the scores level. It is worth noting that in four games thus far this season, AFC have used four different keepers, none of whom are taller than 5'10. The author's apparent inadequacy was perhaps highlighted by Mr. Ditchburn from the halfway line as the Phoenix centre forward prepared to strike with the useful advice to "Make yourself big Housty". A pathetic attempt to waft my arms in the direction of the crossbar proved, seemingly, to be the undoing of the opponent however. Either that or he was just shit as, to the surprise of everyone, the effort struck the keeper's outstretched leg and careered high into the air. With the following in striker looking certain to score, Sawbridge did well to get his body between man and ball and win a much needed freekick.

As the game finally began to settle down, Brasenose found themselves struggling to keep hold of the ball and within ten minutes, another corner had proved our undoing. A well delivered inswinger from the left found the keeper flailing and a free header powered in off the underside of the cross-bar. Pheonix's aerial domination was to prove to be a consistent theme for the morning's entertainment.

The goal seemed to shake Brasenose out of their slumber and soon Hollowday, Stockley(s), Matheson and Harling began to link up well, culminating in a half chance for Ditchburn and then a big penalty appeal being waved away. Hollowday was, of course, booked for whining in the aftermath of the decision. Riled by a feeling of gross injustice AFC soon found themselves two down. Good work down the right by the Phoenix winger saw him ride the challenges of Mills-Webb and Sawbridge before powering a low shot to the weak left hand of the stand in goalkeeper. After the ball had parried onto the post, the impressive Stanton could only watch on as the Phoenix striker helped himself to the easiest goal he will score this season (until the return fixture at least). The first half petered out with little event aside from a terrible challenge from their little ginger winger (imaginatively nicknamed "Ginge") upon Stockley which it turns out will see yet another AFC regular sidelined for 4 to 6 weeks. Ginge was lucky not to see red.

The second half saw a new combination down AFC's left of Chivers and (yet another) Stockley. Unfortunately it also saw two more Phoenix goals, the first a well taken one on one which went through the goalie's legs (no nutmeg was called) and the second another free header from a set piece. Good chances falling to Matheson and Stockley were well saved by their keeper. Towards the end of the game, both teams were fortunate not to go down to ten men as "the Ginge" came in late from behind on Matheson and Ditchburn followed up his first yellow card with an even worse lunge on their centre half. Ditchburn's reliance upon the fact that "the ref wouldn't book me again so soon after the last" is not something that should be tested every week.

All in all, AFC once again beaten comprehensively by a better team. The fact that they train twice a week may, or may not, have anything to do with their superior performance. One thing that is for sure is that their manager has no bearing whatsoever upon their results. He is a pointless c*nt.

Next week, an away day in the cup. And the return of regular scribe WMP. Thank goodness for that.

Watson Pringle · Thu 4 October 2007

Last Sunday AFC began and ended their run in this year's London FA Cup, although for once the performance of the players on the pitch could not be faulted. For those, the author included, who do not know where Millers play, I am assured that it is somewhere in south London. Some comfort was taken on the outward journey from a sign pointing to the Channel Tunnel, this at least reassuring those present that if the worst happened and Archer's sat-nav system broke before the return trip, they would be able to carry on to Paris and then get the train back to Waterloo.

Several weak excuses throughout the course of the week meant that there were only 10 names on the starting sheet, including one C. Andrews, whom the secretary had managed to recruit in a brief moment of awareness during a black tie affair at the alma mater on the Friday before. It is well known, however, that such promises rarely survive until the morning, and this was confirmed when, at kick off, 9 players took the field for AFC.

If playing with 10 makes things difficult, playing with 9 makes them extremely odd. AFC started in a 4-3-1 formation very much underused in the modern game. A well-orchestrated 'half-court press' paid dividends early on, with Millers enjoying much possession but not looking like threatening Babar in the AFC goal, despite the latter's extraordinary efforts to obtain some gloves from a nearby gardener prior to kick off. After the early exchanges the midfield three of Hollowday, Koczwara and Pringle, who covered several miles during the course of the match, began to take the upper hand, and a golden opportunity came early on when captain Latham raced (if that is ever the correct word) through the middle of the Millers defence, and was picked out by Pringle's chipped through ball. However with the keeper beaten, Latham's perfectly-struck lob bounced agonisingly over the bar. This bad luck was compounded minutes later at the other end when Babar came out to the feet of Millers' striker just too late, and the remarkably pacy referee correctly pointed to the spot. The striker made no mistake with the resulting penalty. However AFC heads did not drop and, after continuing to dominate in midfield, we were unfortunate to go in 1-0 down at half time.

After an inspirational team-talk from the skipper at half time, he and Hollowday combined in a moment of utter dross which almost put the game beyond reach. Luckily Millers' striker fired well wide, leaving AFC still in with a chance. It was at this stage that lone striker Ditchburn, who had been given the thankless task of trying to hold the ball up all day, began ruthlessly hunting down the Millers back four, causing total mayhem in the ranks. This inspired AFC to pile on the pressure, and when long throw specialist Hollowday grabbed the ball level with the top of the Millers box, an obvious plan formed - clearly the old 'throw-it-straight-in-off-the-keeper' had to be tried. The keeper (whose mental instability was not at this stage known) was heard afterwards to challenge the author 'so what am i supposed to do, you pr*ck? - let it go in?' Yup, that's right. Certainly a flapped own goal was not the answer. 1-1.

The restart was accompanied by the eventual arrival of Andrews, who partnered the firey-eyed Ditchburn up front, and a familiar over-excitement could be felt throughout the AFC ranks. Predictably, however, before one could say "Lads, let's concentrate here, we always concede after we-" Latham had brought someone down in the box and it was 2-1. Back to the drawing board. With only 15 remaining, AFC were forced to throw players forward, resulting inevitably in gaps at the back, and the imbalance finally told when Millers fired home from close range. Again, however, AFC heads did not drop. After Pringle fired wide from the right, the tireless Ditchburn was sent clean in and, having taken the ball round the nutter in goal, was rugby tackled to the ground. The author did not catch the substance of said keeper's complaints about the subsequent penalty and sending-off, but it is difficult to imagine what they could have been. Adam Brown made no mistake from the resultant spot-kick meaning that, as ever, AFC had yet another chance with 2 minutes to play.

With the dismissed goalkeeper standing irate on the touchline, along with Miller's healthy support, including several very angry looking mothers (in both senses of the word), tempers were on the verge of bubbling over. It was at this point that Koczwara stepped up to the plate. Millers' winger having gone past Hollowday on the left, the latter followed behind, deciding whether or not to commit the foul. In the end this was a decision that he did not need to make, for Koczwara raced in and scythed him down minutes after the ball had gone. Those who have not seen the film '300' cannot really imagine the bloodshed that followed, but Koczwara must be grateful to those team-mates (the author not included) who stepped in to ensure that this was a full brawl, and not an 18 on 1 pounding. Anyway, final score 3-2. An immense effort from those present, and it could easily have gone the other way. To those not present, this was a cup game, and we really must do better. If we play with the sort of commitment shown against Millers, and get a decent turn-out, there is absolutely no doubt that we can beat Phoenix on Sunday.

Watson Pringle · Tue 9 October 2007

Sometimes there just aren't enough words. AFC again struggled to field a full side this week, arriving at the Marshes with only 11 players, none of whom was a goalkeeper. This, combined with a fierce conviction not to get back into the game for more than a minute at a time, resulted in a high-scoring defeat to AFC bogey-side Feenicks. Officiating was she of "think about it logically, woman" fame.

The presence of both Ditchburn and Green meant that for the first time in a while AFC could start in a traditional 4-4-2 formation, and it was AFC who started more strongly, as returning winger Eugene Pooley made his presence felt on the right wing. This pressure could not, however, be converted into points, and it was Feenicks who took the lead after 15 minutes, a well struck shot from the edge of the area rising high into the net past stand-in keeper Matt Houston. The lead was doubled within minutes, a well worked move finished from inside the box. At this point, however, AFC were handed their first lifeline, with the notorious Scottie Furlow dismissed for a two-footed lunge off the pitch. This was considered by many of those on the Feenicks bench to be a harsh decision, and may have caused many players to create a scene. However Furlow conducted himself admirably, pausing only for a few minutes on the way back to the changing rooms to call the referee a little f**king ginger f**king c*nt, and to have a short argument with enigmatic skipper 'Del'.

Now with an extra man and an hour still to play, AFC grew in confidence and began to develop an uncharacteristic passing rhythm. Then came a killer blow. Pringle, having failed to select a small immobile man to mark at a Feenicks corner, lost the big centre back, who powered home a free header from the edge of the six-yard box: 3-0. However, correctly assuming that there were still 9 goals left in this one, AFC continued to apply the pressure, and played some excellent passing football. This eventually told five minutes before half time when Pringle's shot from outside the area was deflected past Feenicks' goalkeeper at full stretch.

So, 45 minutes to play and 3-1 down, the mood in the changing room at half-time was strangely optimistic. We just needed to make sure that we didn't concede immediately at the beginning of the second half. However rather predictably with hindsight, five minutes into the half a through ball which was used several times by Feenicks bisected Archer and Latham, and the striker did well to beat second-half goalkeeper Chivers from a tight angle. AFC responded, again piling on the pressure. The Feenicks wall having retreated no more than 1 yard from the ball all morning, Pringle's quick free kick was well saved, but an own goal from the resulting corner kept AFC well in the hunt with plenty of time remaining. This momentum grew as Pooley was brought into the game with several balls behind the back four. The pressure again told when Pringle flicked the ball on from the byline from Pooley's long throw, and captain Latham scored at the second attempt. At 4-3, AFC were in the ascendancy and, so long as Feenicks' centre back didn't score any goals from half-way, were in with a good chance of winning. Unfortunately that did happen. As the ball came out of orbit Chivers, understandably assuming the post to be a few feet closer to him than it actually was, had planned nonchalantly to watch the ball slide past the post for a goal-kick. In the event, the nonchalant watching was well-executed, but the ball was, in fact, comfortably inside the post, making the score 5-3, and condemning AFC to 20 minutes of being mocked tirelessly by overgrown children.

Houston attempted a similar lob from one of the restarts. It didn't go very far. This caused the cogs of an overused NASA-orientated joke to form in Feenicks minds, and this process was accelerated moments later when, after an excellent run and cross from the right from Pooley, Houston headed wide from one yard. Feenicks then started to score rather regularly. The 8th goal which, in Arthur Green's post-match analysis was the one that really sunk us, was a classic three-way collision in defence that brought back wonderful memories from Abingdon Road back in the day. The final word, however, belonged to AFC, as a simple through-ball found Pooley, who struck home a convincing and well-deserved consolation.

With the Princess of Wales unusually busy, an eventful day was rounded off by a visit to the Ship Aground, where we supped some cold beers and watched the Homerton-bound traffic pass, safe in the knowledge that at least we had entertained.

Watson Pringle · Thu 18 October 2007

The captain has requested that nothing too depressing be mentioned in this week's report. It is therefore necessarily short. Last Sunday saw AFC return to Fortress Regent's Park, desperately needing a win to bolster their chances of being in contention (you heard) at the end of the season. Pre-game spirits were high, not least because an actual keeper (as opposed, Rich Davies soundly observed, to "a normal person dressed up as a keeper") had arrived in the form of Adam from Allen & Overy. Adam's proud boast that his Saturday team had won 4-3 the day before drew worried glances from the senior management.

The start to the game was scrappy, with neither side able to retain enough possession to exert any pressure. After fifteen minutes, however, the ball having been only half-cleared by AFC, a well-struck dipping volley from Cobden's midfielder found the back of the net. That was the only action of any note whatsoever from a first half dominated entirely by ball-clenching mediocrity from both sides.

Any mild optimism at half-time proved sickeningly misplaced when, at the start of the second half, the Cobden goalkeeper hit a particularly menacing 'big kick', causing havoc in the AFC defence, and allowing Cobden's striker to slide the ball home from six yards. At this stage frustration started to show in AFC's play, and Ditchburn was lucky to avoid a booking when he lashed out at Cobden's centre back after having his shirt pulled just outside the Cobden area. Luckily, just as the referee was reaching into his pocket, a Cobden player began abusing the referee, and diverted attention away from Ditchburn, who by this point had run away and was standing with the AFC defence. Not wishing to have reached for the pocket in vain, the referee booked the Cobden player instead, to the immense irritation of a little man with rather greasy curtains playing in the Cobden midfield. Ditchburn was involved again minutes later when, after a mazy run, he played in Rich Davies, who beat the keeper from the edge of the box with a sublime chip cunningly disguised as an attempted cross. 2-1. Unfortunately, and despite constant berations of this trait in previous match reports, AFC always concede immediately after scoring. This happened again on Sunday. Just when Cobden were getting riled, a lapse in concentration allowed them to string together a series of passes, and score a well-worked, but distinctly avoidable, third goal, putting the match beyond AFC's reach with only 10 minutes to go. The little man with the curtains found this particularly amusing, and performed a manic dance in front of the unmoved Ditchburn prior to the restart, pausing only to comment unexpectedly on the vaginal qualities of the latter's mouth.

The only remaining incident occurred five minutes later when Pringle, seeing an opportunity to take at least something from the game, got a touch on the ball before being sent spiralling into the air, with yet another painful Monday morning on the cards, and the subsequent red card proving less consolation than one might have imagined. Full time 3-1. Not a memorable game or result.

After the game AFC decamped to the upsettingly-spelt 'Edinboro Castle' for a microwaved roast dinner. Post match conversation revealed that Ditchburn had spent the previous night in a strip club and, having been dissatisfied with the standard of the entertainment, had himself debagged and performed on stage. Perhaps the most worrying indictment of AFC's performance is that the recounting of this incident caused the author to smile more than at any other stage of the morning.

In other news, some team in white with a budget version of Chris Patterson has made it into the final of the rugby, and no home nations are going to the finals of the football. Phoenix next week - upbeat noises.

Watson Pringle · Mon 22 October 2007

As may have been obvious from the tone of last week's match report, your author's enthusiasm for the task has been dwindling of late, the monotony of the subject-matter inducing a spiral of such depression as to cause even the staunchest of writers to throw in the pen. It is with a renewed sense of pride and vigour, however, that said plume is re-grasped this week. In a weekend full of potential sporting upsets, only AFC Brasenose rose to the challenge, leaving Hamilton languishing in the gravel and the once-great Wilkinson self-admittedly resorting to the booze.

AFC's lineup was bolstered by the temporary return of Middle East exile Paddy Wrigley in centre midfield, and with the club's record goal-scorer John Springett also in the country, midweek optimism was high, the captain and secretary again boasting a squad of 18 for the weekend. As usual, of course, such numbers must be seen to be believed, and at the start of the game Captain Latham provided the bench's sole source of warmth. In Springett's initial absence, AFC lined up in a 4-5-1 formation, with Arthur Green given his chance as lone striker. The 'healthy rivalry' between the sides again flared during the pre-match warm up, Fairley's Oakleys bearing the brunt of an adverse reaction to some ill-judged midweek banter at the expense of the lead Feenicks WAG ('FWAG').

The game started at a ferocious pace, neither side really grasping the initiative. AFC dealt well with a string of Feenicks set pieces, new goalkeeper Adam Cain laying strong claim to the No.1 shirt with a series of commanding claims from crosses. After around 35 minutes the deadlock was finally broken as a well-worked Brasenose move eventually found David Hollowday, back after a two-match absence, racing into the box unmarked to slide the ball home from 10 yards. Minutes later, an identical move again found Hollowday in space, but on this occasion the finish proved elusive. With the score still 1-0 at half time, AFC's more experienced players tried desperately to hide their excitement, reminding themselves of the usual Brasenose form, and instead focusing on more goals at the start of the second half.

At this point the Arthur Green Show took centre stage. The first of a brace came as Green latched on to a through ball and beat the keeper from a tight angle. By now AFC were swarming forward in numbers, overwhelming a lacklustre Feenicks defence, and soon that pressure told again as Feenicks' captain was beaten in the air from a long goal-kick and Green pounced, finishing again from the keeper's left. It was now all BNC and Green could have had a hat-trick moments later, but hesitated too long in front of goal and allowed Feenicks' captain to make an impressive last-gasp intervention. The Feenicks goal was again threatened when a curling free-kick flashed across the six yard box, the resulting effort going narrowly over the bar. AFC then had 25 minutes left to enjoy a rare winning sensation, as a frustrated Feenicks had nothing new to bring to the party, and merely punted long balls towards the strikers, which were easily dealt with by the solid Cain in goal. The last 10 minutes were uneventful, save for the welcome but unfortunately brief introduction of John Springett. Final score: 3-0, and it could have been more. Excellent commitment all round (Ed - from the 13 that turned up), and a lot of positives to take into the rest of the season, although next week everyone will be a bit hungover, for reasons which I do not intend to put into the Camden Sunday League forum.

Not a football match — a spoof report on the club's Halloween night out, filed in the same style.

Watson Pringle · Thu 1 November 2007

This week saw AFC , inter alia, take on a familiar foe in the form of several tubs worth of assorted spirits. AFC's turnout for this one was, perhaps predictably, better than in any previous game, and it was AFC that took the early initiative, each man converting several chances with few ill-effects. As players arrived, it became clear that some were dealing considerably better with the compulsory Halloween-themed dress code. Secretary Fairley's necessarily anonymous 'Scream' outfit enabled him to evade, for the majority of the evening, the clutches of the spirits of girlfriends past, present and, dare I say it, future. Ditchburn remained at the event throughout, despite the fact that his birthday party was continuing elsewhere, such was the pull of the event. His costume, a toilet roll draped apologetically around the ankles, was unimpressive, although perhaps the best that could be constructed from the materials available at the house. Captain Latham looked as normal, other than a purpose-built pumpkin head-dress. Your author confined himself to a reserved but tasteful devil costume. Hollowday was rather inexplicably dressed as Bob Marley.

It was at around the 3 hour mark that the opposition started to take control, dominating behavior in general, and reducing inhibitions more than AFC could possibly have expected at the outset. Davies in particular seemed unable to stem the tide of attacks, resorting to a long-ball 'haymaker' game early doors and kissing someone who had already been sick in the top floor suite.

After 5 hours Fairley finally struck home for AFC, again leveling the scores, but in keeping with the theme of the evening, joy turned to horror minutes later when, celebrating his hat-trick, he removed his headgear, and was immediately mobbed by a gang (ed - I wish) of psychopathic female supporters. In the melee that ensued Fairley was booked for celebrating, and the most energetic of the supporters was banished from the stands. It was later remarked that the manner of her departure was remeniscent of the dispatch by Fred Flinstone of the sabre-toothed tiger in the opening credits, which is flip-reversed on poor Fred moments later. The author cannot help but agree.

I find myself literally unable to say what happened after this. Suffice to say that AFC suffered a convincing defeat, and that in the morning several players, as well as the field of play, looked somewhat the worse for wear. However lots of positives to take out of this one, and uncharacteristic commitment shown all round.

Rambaut Fairley — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Thu 1 November 2007

We lost because we were all too drunk.

Watson Pringle · Wed 14 November 2007

After an unavoidable drunken setback the week before, AFC needed to get back on track this week against the mercurial Moore House. Ever unpredictable, MH could raise only four players, putting AFC in a position where they really should win, and striking immediate fear into the hearts of Fairley and the rest of AFC's cynically seasoned old guard. AFC dominated the game from the start, having much of the possession, but almost having too much time on the ball, and developing an almost instant irritation at not being 10 goals ahead. Eventually the pressure told, and Ditchburn who, strangely, was playing naked, scored with two spectacular bicycle kicks within as many minutes, both from well outside the box. Nothing else happened, and at half time the score remained at around 2-0. At the beginning of the second half someone else scored, I imagine with some sort of mazy run from well inside his own half and perfectly-executed chip over the keeper (Ed - it was Chivers so was, at best, a mazy stroll). At this point the wheels started to come off, and AFC's performance disintegrated as rapidly as this match report. AFC having dominated at the start of the half, Moore House scored and everyone on the AFC team immediately assumed that we would lose at least 4-3. When they scored again, this seemed a certainty. AFC, however, dug in deep, and stemmed the tide, before Hal Stockley powerfully headed home an inch-perfect cross from the right from a particularly beautiful player to put the game beyond Moore House's reach. 4-2 - an excellent result, especially against so few players, and a heart-felt tip of the cap to all those involved.

[An apology: This report, save for this sentence, was written the other night when I was a bit drunk, and is, I admit, a little bit strange in parts. I also can't really remember anything about the game at all except for Hal's goal and the final score. Sorry about this - I was going to attempt a re-write today but thought that it might be more amusing if left untouched.]

Watson Pringle · Mon 3 December 2007

We should play this lot every week. A torrid morning at the Marshes saw AFC take on familiar opposition in the form of Moore House, this time boasting a full XI, and therefore proving genuinely less intimidating to the AFC faithful. The now-familiar 4-4-2 line up saw disgraced wee-wee man John Ditchburn partner in-from striker Arthur Green up front.

A shrewd decision from captain Latham saw AFC attacking with the wind and rain behind in the first half, and this was to pay dividends. Even in normal conditions, it is now universally acknowledged that 4 first half goals will be needed in order to have any confidence whatsoever of winning a game. On Sunday everyone knew this figure would have to be even greater, but on this occasion AFC rose to the challenge.

Right from the off AFC kept the ball remarkably well given the conditions, with passing and movement much improved from the beginning of the season. However it was a MH error that led to the first goal, as an obvious backpass was picked up at the start of a sorry afternoon for the hapless MH goalkeeper. Those in white shirts around the ball attempted repeatedly to convey to Green that a 'clever one' was in the offing from the resulting indirect free-kick, and that he and not the obviously positioned Hollowday would receive the ball. In obvious frustration at this communications breakdown, those at the back helpfully shouted the instructions until everyone in the vicinity except for the surprised Fairley knew what was going on. Luckily MH were slow to react, and Green converted from the edge of the six yard box.

AFC's impressive attacking football continued as a well-worked move from the right worked its way through to David Hollowday who dusted off the 'standing foot' in time to make it 2-0. Shortly afterwards it was three as MH's keeper made a hash of a low drive from the edge of the box. Next (this is really good fun to write) Green struck an important blow in the race for the Golden Boot, firing high into the net at the end of the game's best move.

Never ones to make things too easy, AFC took their foot off the pedal towards the end of the half, allowing MH to gain the upper hand for five minutes and score what might have been an important goal. However Brasenose showed impressive resilience, captain Latham leading from the front and connecting well with a header at the back post from Hollowday's cross to make it 5-1. This remained the scoreline as the teams went in (or rather continued to stand in the rain) for half-time.

At the beginning of the second half the importance of Latham's tactical decision became clear as AFC now had to play into the wind and rain, which had in no way dropped from the first half. If anything the wind was much stronger and it was much more difficult. After an impressive showing for the alma mater in the Old Boys' Game last weekend, Matt Houston was given his chance in centre midfield, replacing the hungover Davies. Stockley replaced Ditchburn up front.

MH started the half strongly, two goals within 20 minutes making things much less comfortable, and the all-too-familiar deterioriation crept into AFC minds. However AFC steadied the ship, albeit luckily, as the goalkeeper handed Stockley a goal to make it 6-3. Unfortunately on a day when so much good football was played, this proved to be the decisive goal, and AFC played out the remaining 15 minutes, grabbing a seventh after another defensive mix-up to round off a positive morning's work, and continue the climb up the chaotic league table. Green's post-match optimism about mounting a challenge for the title was, it seems, premature, but it may not be so after a couple more wins....

Elsewhere, the CSFL was rocked by news that someone from Division 3 had been brutally excecuted for calling his teddy-bear 'Mickey Dowsett'. Damn fundamentalists.

Watson Pringle · Wed 12 December 2007

The AFC bandwagon is gaining pace.

The starting lineup, at last finding some continuity, last Sunday welcomed back last year's player of the season Dave Stanton M.D., who partnered Ritchie Latham in the middle of a strong back four. After a strong performance against Moore House, Hal Stockley kept his place up front, hoping to score his fourth in as many games. Eli Mitropolous made a cameo appearance in goal.

It has in the past been a tendency of AFC to have a healthy respect for goalkeepers in the CSFL, naturally assuming that they were all Petr Chechs, and therefore considering it not even worthwhile having an effort on goal. Much safer to dribble the ball around a bit until you get tackled. Recently however an epiphany up front has seen shots on goal early in games and it turns out that the keepers are all totally rubbish. David Hollowday took advantage of this early on this week, driving a well-struck free-kick with the outside of boot into a swirling wind. The goalkeeper could not possibly have dealt with this worse. 1-0.

At times in the first half one wondered who were the team in white playing the ornate passing triangles around the frustrated opposition. AFC dominated play, and maintained this easy passing rhythm throughout the first half hour. This soon paid dividends as a patient build-up was finished calmly by Hal Stockley. Another followed on shortly after, leaving AFC 3-0 up after half an hour and cruising. Disaster almost struck just before half time when Rich Davies, already on a yellow card, brought down Tergemo's striker inside the box and the referee pointed to the spot. Luckily, Davies escaped with a talking-to, and the penalty was struck at a perfect height for Mitropolous, who held onto the ball well. A resplendent first half was sullied only by a gash incurred above the eye by the Grasshopper, consigning him to an afternoon at the Homerton domestic abuse treatment unit.

Shortly after half-time he was joined there by a Tergemo defender with a broken finger, the aftermath of which saw David Hollowday edge still closer to the beating he so warmly and richly deserves. With Tergemo restored to full strength, Brasenose took advantage of the stop-start nature of the game, Arthur Green taking his goal tally for the season to eight with a slide-rule finish. AFC's fifth came when substitute Ditchburn lifted a sumptuous chip over the helpless Tergemo keeper from the edge of the box. Those who, like the Tergemo defence, were taken in by the great illusionist considered it to have been a totally miskicked fluke. The seal was put on a solid performance when some good work by Ditchburn allowed Green to stretch even further away in the race for the John Springett Trophy with an instinctive first-time finish. A comprehensive win, and AFC look good going into next week's crucial game with league-leaders Cobden.

Oh, and to the guy who called me a dumb f*ck, why don't you come here and say that?

Ah, the anonymous cowardice of the bard.

Rambaut Fairley — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Fri 14 March 2008

Brasenose Cup Hopes sunk by River Fleet

AFC BNC went into this game having won one of their last six, Os Lusos gifting them 3 points when they turned up to the wrong ground - Losers.

They also went into this game with only 8 players confirmed by Saturday noon - missing key players left John Springett no option but to get the next flight over to Hackney, he didn't even have time to cut his toenails. Fortunately, 'Paul' and 'Mike' were also set to make their debuts.

Barnsley's win against Chelsea had given the Division 3 side an injection of confidence as their passing and movement belied their 4th place finish two divisions below the mighty BNC, a team that despite nearly having a positive goal difference, finished just outside the 'Big Four'. It was therefore no surprise when they took the early lead. Rich Davies (who later admitted that he f**king hates playing in goal) kept the visitors at bay for a spell in which River Fleet looked to double their lead, however, as they hit the post the tide seemed to turn as Brasenose's slick passing football ensured wave after wave of attack. It was from one of these attacks that one of the chubbier Fleet defenders sliced the ball into the path of a Brasenose attacker. 1-1.

This was the point where Brasenose fully expected to take control of the game and finish the day top of the Champions League style table on goal difference. Ritchie Latham showed great purpose as he gathered in his defenders to discuss the handling of 'the lump upfront'. Lots of pointless shouting ensued as River Fleet kicked off.

Brasenose continued to show their class, good work from Ditchburn (working hard to shrug-off the disgraced wee-wee man tag) down the right ended when a trademark Springett overhead shaved the cross-bar. Minutes later, an inswinging corner gave Latham the opportunity to power a header into the gaping space just above the bar. 'Paul' and 'Mike' grew in confidence as the game went on and their ability to both pass and run clearly impressed the senior players.

The second-half was full of BNC chances: a header from yards out, a one-on-one after a sumptuous Tommy through ball, a clearance from Hal off the line, and a few shots from distance from 'Mike'. Fleet created one very good chance, but as their striker was about to pull the trigger (out of nowhere) Huggins robbed him of possession (the ref waving away penalty claims as the striker rolled around in agony). Hal and Tommy continued to boss the centre of the park right until the dying moments but the goal just would not come. Similarly, the BNC defence gave nothing more away - Archer, as it's come to be expected - not putting a foot wrong all game. Only a slip by the last man in the last minute could have gifted Fleet a victory they didn't deserve - but that didn't happen.

Full-Time 1-1. Brasenose now face two must-win games against Archway Allstars and the winners of Division 2 'Maritimo de Londres' if they have any hope of qualifying from the Group of Life.

AFC BNC

Arthur Springett

Mike TommyK Hal Ditchburn

Huggins Latham Archer Paul

Davies

Subs

£5

Referee

Lazy fat kid with piercing (ex-Phoenix)

Rambaut Fairley — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Wed 2 April 2008

Those with a keen eye will have noticed that there have been no match reports over the past few months. This is principally, nay entirely, because I couldn't be bothered.

Sunday saw AFC, now playing only monthly fixtures, take on bogey side Archway Allstars, in a game that would (short of John Snow drawing/hell freezing over, yadayadayada) decide the fate of the remainder of their season. In effect a win was essential to keep hopes alive of a courageous semi-final defeat on penalties in the much-coveted Presidents Cup. A marathon training injury to Rich 'Just Giving' Davies saw Koczwara move into central midfield, with Fairley starting on the left wing.

The game started cautiously, with AFC looking slightly more likely to score, and after 20 minutes the Archway captain, a walking Sunday league football advertisement, powered home AFC's opener with the shin from six yards. The Nose, now well drilled in their own style of play executed a concentration loss immediately after the goal, a goal kick causing all sorts of problems for the defence, and resulting in a quick equaliser for the Allstars. This was followed quickly by an individual effort from the Allstars winger, who waltzed through several half-hearted tackles to score. Adam Brown's head injury in the lead-up to this goal went unnoticed by the referee, and this caused such Nasal irritation that whilst the Allstars celebrated, the referee had to take some time to wipe the mucus off before recommencing the 'action'. In the dying minutes of the half, the now clear-passaged Nose finally put together some passing football, but despite relentless pressure on the AA goal, were unable to score before the break.

The general tone of the half-time team talk was that as usual, AFC were clearly much better at football than the opposition, but had simply not chosen to show it in the first 45 minutes.

Unfortunately the obvious gulf in class was not made that apparent in the second half either, although the first minute showed real promise, a sweeping passing movement unlucky not to end in a goal. Unfortunately, around 15 minutes into the half, the ball bounced around in the AFC box and then went in. Unfazed by this, AFC continued to play as if they were 3-0 ahead, until the last ten minutes, when the correct scoreline was seemingly remembered. Another well-executed passing move resulted in a tap-in for Hollowday, and AFC found themselves in with a chance. Several set pieces were awarded in dangerous positions, AFC capitalising fully with a foul throw and a scuffed free-kick. In the dying seconds a cross from Stanton was struck towards goal, but was well cleared off the line by the Archway centre-back, allowing Archway to cling on to victory.

Now down and out, all that remains for AFC is to try and beat the other OXFORD UNIVERSITY ALUMNI TEAM DYNAMO DORIGO and then get into a curry house and do what they do best: award themselves trophies and ties.

Watson Pringle · Thu 2 October 2008

Belvedere Royals 2-5 AFC Brasenose

It's going to be a black and gold year.

This week saw the start of the season proper for potentially the best football team in the world, AFC Brasenose. With a now-perfected feigned reluctance, twelve of the faithful brushed off protesting girlfriends and travel difficulties to arrive at Chalton Park, home of the mighty Belvedere Royals, for the first round of the (London) FA Cup. Any pre-match suspicions that a south London ground would be nicer than Hackney Marshes were dispelled immediately upon arrival. The thick barbed wire around the roof of the changing room betrayed, if nothing else, a distinct lack of confidence in the anti-climb paint dripping from the montrosity's walls. Some of the stronger of the squad ventured inside the building, where the squalid stench and Dickensian shrieks recalled the inner depths of Mordor. The remainder, scared even to cross that murky threshold, carried on along the Styx towards the playing area.

Just before kick-off, disaster struck as club all-time leading goalscorer John Springett's pelvis started to vibrate uncontrollably.

Injury fears were immediately dismissed as it transpired that it was merely his on-pitch Blackberry calling him back to the A&O mothership.

Within minutes, the full extent of the firm's fabled technological advances was revealed as the talisman's particles began to disintegrate before the team's very eyes, and before you could say 'Leonard Nimroy'

he was beamed up, leaving nothing in his space but dust, a memory of former glory, and a fiver for subs [fat chance - Ed].

Fortunately, at this exact moment, the luck that had deserted AFC in recent seasons returned, manifesting itself in two ways. Firstly, three of the Belvedere squad were also called away to deal with the impending Bradford and Bingley collapse. Secondly, Messrs Scutt and Green arrived, enacting as they came that Batman and Robin scene from Only Fools and Horses. One could almost hear the music.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.... Ok, it doesn't work so well on the page. Suffice to say that moments before kick-off AFC were once again quorate, and ready to go.

AFC started the match well, dominating for the first ten minutes.

However in its goalkeeper, the Royals had an attacking weapon unparalleled by anything in the Brasenose ranks, and as the game wore on, this human cannon launched bombs with increasing regularity on terrified AFC back four. There is only so long that such a potent attacking threat can be contained and, as a direct result of one such onslaught AFC went behind to a well-struck free-kick from one of Belvedere's chubbier midfielders. Minutes later it was two, and AFC found themselves in a familiar position. Such a scoreline halfway through the first half would have had many teams on the ropes. However AFC, and particularly those who were present for the great 23-22 victory against the Hall back in '76, are made of sterner stuff and, Green having been obviously brought down in the box, Rich 'All in the Eyes'

Davies sent yet another keeper to the right to ensure that the half-time score was 2-1, but with the nose very much in the ascendency.

The usual optimistic guff having been exchanged in the half-time team-talk, AFC began the second half where they had left off, and put together some impressive passing football. The reward for this came when the ever-energetic Stockley reached the byline and played an inch-perfect ball across the six-yard box which was slammed home by 2007/8 Golden Boot- winner Arthur Green. Shortly after, Stockley added one himself, a fantastic solo effort rising high into the net beyond the Royals keeper, whose cannons had now become little more than misdirected scrunched-up bits of paper.

At this moment captain Latham, concerned by the way things were going, called the team round and suggested that some wild panic would certainly not go amiss. The team responded well, retreating into its shell, and increasing its unforced error rate until it was pinned its own half. The Royals having hit the woodwork twice, AFC took its foot off the panic button slightly and last season's wooden spoon David Harling turned to gold, first providing the assist for Green's second, and then inducing an own goal with a powerful drive across the box. A further chance fell to D.Hollowday, whose quest to be the first name to appear twice on the spoon began with a physically impossible backwards kick from the edge of the six-yard box. Great stuff.

The game was marred slightly by a high unsavoury incident towards the end where, having exchanged frank words and touched each other's genitals, Rich Davies and a Royals midfielder were forced to stand in abject terror as the game's authoritative umpire told them in no uncertain terms that they really ought to stop it. There's always a couple of individuals who spoil it for the whole class.

Such unpleasantness aside, a successful start to the campaign for AFC, and passage into the second round of the LFA Cup, where those present will be offered the opportunity to be ritually soddomised by eleven much bigger and more talented individuals in some far-flung corner of the nation's capital.

WMP

Watson Pringle · Thu 9 October 2008

AFC Brasenose 0-2 Archway Allstars

Such is the sense of shame with which the author looks back on this game that it is tempting simply to write ‘Ben Scutt was excellent’ and to allow that, together with the scoreline, to suffice as the epitaph for a sorry, soggy morning in the club’s history. However to do so would be unfair to readers in the Middle East, it would leave an unexplained gap in the club’s annals (chortle chortle), it would be cowardly and dishonest and, above all, it would force the author to do some actual work. And for these reasons this filthily pleonastic introduction must be cast aside, and the full misery of our pathetic tale unravelled.

On Sunday AFC once again confronted jinx team Archway Allstars. The reliability of new technological aid ‘Doodle’ was once again called into question as the club secretary’s mid-week euphoria at having 71 bodies available for selection proved misplaced, only 12 in fact showing up for kick-off. The administratively sound centre midfield partnership had managed to get itself to Hackney for under £200, however for Rich Davies the journey had also taken an emotional toll. Upon seeing that his sister had taken his car without prior warning, he had, quite understandably, flown into a blind rage, gone to said sister’s house, and broken all of the legs off one of her kitchen chairs. That will show her.

Archway got off to the better start, with some slick passing moves, and created a number of early chances. One of these brought one of the best saves in recent AFC memory, as Ben Scutt reacted like a cat to palm a shot from point-blank range on to the bar. This was followed by a 22-man 25-minute goal-line scramble, until the ball was eventually sliced out of play and to safety. AFC had been saved by Scutt’s tactical genius, however it is rumoured that the referee remarked to him later that he had better not do that again. Evidently whilst one or two deliberate goal-preventing handballs are ok, CSFL refs have been asked to really clamp down on the third or fourth.

If AFC continued like this, it was going to be a long 90 minutes. Unfortunately it only got worse, as the midfield’s passing slumped to sub-Paralympic standard. Springett did his best to hold the ball up up front and, if memory serves, managed quite a good cross at one stage. As already mentioned, Scutt played well. Cole, despite his house-elvish self-beration, had a very solid game in goal. Otherwise, literally nothing of note was done by any of the Brasenose players. It was unsurprising, therefore, that it was Archway who with 15 minutes to go broke not only the deadlock, but also the bedraggled little hearts of those in white who had not been allowed to go and huddle under an umbrella on the touchline and shout out witty quips, exulting in amusing miskicks on the field.

With the Nose forced to throw men forward (and indeed before they were forced to do so) there was always the risk that they would be exposed at the back, and any hopes of a fightback were crushed when, with two minutes to go, Archway countered clinically to make it 2-0.

And so once again the AA, like their acronymic namesakes, reliably showed up and got the job done, whilst AFC more closely resembled the other AA, stumbling around drunkenly, crying and unable to admit defeat. It would be understating it to say that there is room for improvement if the Nose is to defeat the Dowsett Family this week.

WMP

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 13 January 2009

For those of you that weren't there on Sunday, the 'Nose El FA Cúp run marches on to the quarter-finals.

Two of the worst sides to have ever progressed through 3 rounds of a cup competition was the half-time verdict from the spectators, the ref didn't know how we'd won and their manager wanted to know how a team could defend for 90 minutes, have 1 shot and win a game. The 'nostrils that were in attendance feel the criticism a bit harsh of a defensive display which saw us rotate every member of the back 4 at least once, keep a clean sheet, not leave Eli a save to make apart from the two occasions on which the ball struck the bar, the second of which we collected, ran up the other end with and scored. An away draw in the Quarter-Finals awaits.

Cheers

Rambaut

The report says we lost 1–3. The club's records say 1–2.

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 16 February 2009

For those who weren't there we went down 3-1 in a quagmire yesterday, a scoreline that definitely flattered our opponents. Having been keen to play no matter what during the pre-match pitch inspection there was some suggestion afterwards that we might have been better off an a better pitch.

Cheers

Rambaut

Watson Pringle · Tue 31 March 2009

Well done to those who played on Sunday, I gather we gave FC Bertoli a roasting.

Cheers,

Watson

Watson Pringle · Mon 6 April 2009

For those who weren't there on Sunday (i.e. the majority of you), a heroic EIGHT-MAN AFC Brasenose side came from behind to defeat MDM's ELEVEN by two goals to one. Many thanks to those who came, in particular to Colum Elliott-Kelly, who came through from Oxford, and to Neil and Euge, who were supposed to be working.

A big shout-out also to undisputed Man of the Match Tommy "the Cat"

Koczwara, who proved once and for all that goalie gloves are only necessary for homosexuals and/or normal people trying to dress up as goalkeepers.

Cheers,

Watson

Rambaut Fairley · Thu 21 May 2009

A really great performance on Sunday saw us romp to a 3-1 victory over a sorry looking Phoenix and march on to the Presidents Cup Final.

But for some pretty sorry finishing (Messrs Stockley and Springett in particular) we should have 6, even before the tactical genius that passes for their manager / reserve goalkeeper / retard on the sidelines decided to bring their keeper on up front and stick the right back in nets. But the triumph of the performance was as much at the back as anywhere else where Evans brought tight marshalling of the line and positional discipline where previously there had mainly been a dodgy new beard, shocking hair and a tendency to wander up to the wrong end of the pitch at a moment's noticed. Ritchie who (thought I'd better clarify I wasn't talking about you, Sawbs)? Speaking of RSL, Captain Pringle moves from strength to strength, only slightly tainting his goal of the season clinching opener with a celebration that suggested he knew it. And, much as it pains me to say it, Dave Hollowday was excellent in his cameo as Cristiano Ronaldo on the left; passing, dribbling, diving and, most importantly, irritating the opposition so much they actually asked the ref to book him for "being so annoying". Frankly, even Ditchburn played really well despite the fact he'd got so drunk he couldn't even leave his house the night before.

It must all come unstuck at some point. Presumably that point will be in the Presidents Cup Final, the first game of next season (Charity Shield style) and therefore probably the first weekend of September, against Reddot - illustrious venue TBD. Am sure our famed ragtag approach to preseason will set us up well to deal with a team who hold pre-season trials and a training camp.

Anyway, a good note to end the season on. We've reached a cup final and in doing so may well have helped our case significantly when the committee comes to consider the subject of relegation next month.

Cheers everyone

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 7 September 2009

Firstly thanks to everyone who either played or watched yesterday. Shame about the result (5-2 defeat) but I think we can take a lot of positives out of the performance, particularly the way we played and the number of chances we created.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Thu 15 October 2009

Well, the new kit arrived for Sunday and brought with it an improved performance if not a result. We should be clear that we played a lot better and that had we had the same team out and the same performance a week ago against Shooters, we would have won quite comfortably. Results around the division for the rest of the season are going to highlight how bad a result that was (Mostyn beat them 8-0, Mayville beat them 8-3).

We need to change a few things. We didn't really turn up for the second half when the (moderate) wind was against us; we struggled to win the ball against a team who's tails were up, and we stopped playing the ball around, and stopped playing it into feet up-front from where we could then spread it wide. This was a shame because we'd looked very dangerous doing exactly that in the first half. We need to pass the ball more, and think about who we're passing to: first half we played it into Lev's feet and in behind the back 4 for Hal to chase; many times in the second half we tried the reverse and I don't mean to be harsh by saying it didn't work as well.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 21 October 2009

Disappointing result again on Sunday but again at times an improved performance. Our performances have dropped in the 2nd half in both of the last two games, which might partly be fitness but I think is also the product of frustration which leads to trying to do too much to win the game single-handed. We need to work on keeping the ball and playing more simple football.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 26 October 2009

Shame about the result on Sunday and sorry not to have been there to let in some of the goals. Have been told the performance (first half) was actually much improved and by far our best of the season. Given I got a call at 10:20am asking what pitch we were on and Hal didn't mention until kick off (when it was too late to do anything about it) that he had to go at half-time this is quite surprising. Imagine how big our potential must be.

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 11 November 2009

Excellent come back on Sunday. For those that missed it, the game was pretty old school: we turned up 5 minutes before kick-off, spent 20 minutes learning how to kick a ball, during which they scored 3 soft goals and spent the next 60 minutes fighting out way back to a 5-3 win. To quote the big unit up front who they took off at half-time because he had the sniffles: "3-0 up and cruising, they score two wonder goals... what can you do?" Without detracting from Watson or Housty's strikes which deserved the tributes, I'm not sure they alone unavoidably precipitated conceding the other 3.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 18 November 2009

The last-minute, 3-2 win over the college on Saturday means we're now officially on a run, which it would be good to extend against the nemesis this weekend.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 25 November 2009

Did anyone enjoy last week? No, I thought not. Quite horrendous conditions for a football match. Only a friendly as well.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 26 January 2010

Can't really decide whether it's worth providing non-administrational commentary in these things or not. Sunday was a disappointment. We didn't deserve to win, not least because we were far too dependent on WMP3 to score the goals, but we didn't deserve to get hammered. They did better with their chances than we did. I'm going to mention the 3 occasions on which we wasted chances when through on goal despite having men free square simply because I'd like the people involved still to have them in the back of their mind if a similar occasion arises this Sunday. We spent a bit of time before the game playing two touch football, but we didn't really take it into the game; I can't remember a single time when someone took two touches (especially standing still) and distributed the ball to another member of our team. Having time on the ball doesn't mean you need to use all of that time to sprint towards a member of the opposition like you're a player on Pro Ev, in order to allow them to close you down so that it is increasingly difficult to play the pass.

I think it's still fun, although I wouldn't advise looking at the league table unless you're made of pretty stern stuff. Felt a little bit like a schoolboy up in front of the headmaster when my dad printed-off said table and brought it to lunch today to discuss.

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 17 February 2010

Sunday was bad. Really, selfishly bad.

To the 9 people there for the first hour of the game, and the 8 of them that played all 120 minutes, I am very grateful. Getting into extra time still at 0-0 is testament to how well they all played. That said, there were only 4 of them there at 10am.

Thanks

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Fri 24 September 2010

Sorry, have been really busy at work this week so not had time to write the email saying that if we don't learn to play better as a team we are never going to win any football matches. We quite simply do each other no favours at all by refusing to talk to each other about when we have time, when we don't, where we would like the ball etc (no, shouting the man on the ball's name repeatedly while he has the ball does not count).

It also doesn't help at all when we have 7 players 10 minutes before kickoff, 10 players at kick off and no subs for the game without people who aren't coming announcing that they can't make it (you all know who you are).

it really shouldn't need explaining but the games start at 10:30, it's quite useful to be able to decide who's going to play before that, and it helps to play football if you have kicked a ball before you start. I think we should be on the pitch warming up by 10am; I appreciate I don't always make that myself, but given I don't get to play outfield and I have to bring all the stuff along the least the rest of you could do is turn up and get enough practice that the dross I have to watch isn't as dreadful as it was last weekend.

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 29 September 2010

A lot of things done better this week. For those who couldn't be there and can't remember the last one I can confirm that the winning feeling still feels good. I thought it was a real improvement, not just in result but in attitude and in how we tried to play.

Thanks to all those who read my email in midweek, turned up promptly and both attempted and completed short passes (both before and during the game). Dave Hollowday, you were notable (and noted) for your exclusion from all of these groups.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Thu 7 October 2010

I could get used to this.

For those who missed it Sunday was a classic. Conceded massively against the run of play to go 2-1 down with 15 minutes left. Won 3-2. It was awesome. I'm excited just thinking about it again.

The other thing that's making me excited is being able to write the names Stockley, Pooley and Harling on the teamsheet. The last time I did that was March 2009, for our last game in Div 1. They are in for a surprise.

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 20 October 2010

All good things must come to an end. Thought it was an undeserved defeat on Sunday and that there were a lot of positives to take out of the game. Think we still need to keep a simple game plan in our heads which is when we get the ball to the full-backs the next pass is always out wide (never back across the middle) and we then look to make some nice triangles and pivot around that wide position, get down the line and then get a low / cut back ball into the box.

Rambaut Fairley — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Mon 25 October 2010

We lost 8-0 on Sunday to a side who are not very good.

We were able to field only 2 players in a position they had previously started a game this season.

Doodle still tells me this morning that we should have had 15 yesterday. 9 of those 15 weren't there on Sunday morning.

Pretty much the whole point of having a system that tells us when people aren't available is so that we can try to postpone games when we can't get a team out, and don't have to field 3 players the rest of us have never met before. Such a system is clearly completely useless if no one puts any effort in to filling it out. Contrary to popular belief you can change it once you've filled it in. Hell, for those of you with real jobs you can even get the bloody thing to appear in Outlook.

Watson Pringle · Wed 10 November 2010

That was really awful on Sunday. Phoenix were a good side but we were still in it at half time and I was disappointed with the way we just gave up in the second half. As someone said after the game, whilst everyone was there in reasonable time it was obvious from watching the warm-up (where shins touched the ball much more regularly than feet)

that we weren't at all focussed or ready to play football. Finally in this rant although we nominally had 11 players, Ditchburn had got injured playing on Saturday and moved around like the 'injured player'

in Fifa computer games for the entire 90 mins. Appreciate Ditch showing up despite injury but we could really do with a couple of subs to cover that sort of thing.

Cheers,

Watson

James Leviseur — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Wed 10 November 2010

Phoenix were pretty good. But we took the lead, and went in at half time 2-1 down having hit the post and missed at least one other great chance. We were playing well and everyone was up for it - a good performance, and definitely in with a chance of a victory if we carried on as in the first half.

Second half, the fact we only had 10 men (and another untried centre back partnership, which did admirably in the circumstances) really hit us. We conceded another goal but still had some half-chances - but the fact they could pass it well left us with serious need of some subs to refresh the team. Which unfortunately we didn't have, again. They then just kept getting goals as we failed to keep the ball for any sustained period. They were laughing by the end, which I really didn't enjoy.

But I would stress that first-half, we were really causing them problems.

Everyone did well - but if we want to keep it up for the second half (with our level of fitness) then we really need a bigger match-day squad. It's fairly unsuprisingly that when people turned up earlier in the season, we had a winning run.

Rambaut Fairley · Thu 25 November 2010

On Sunday we lost quite heavily to a side who really aren't that good. It's no coincidence that the 3 games we have won this season were the 3 for which we have had a full team at the Marshes, changed and out on the pitch kicking a football by 10am. Sunday's first touches were all the evidence one should need of the importance of kicking a ball before the game.

I want to see everyone there by 9:30 this week so we can be out on the pitch, with the nets put up and ready to practise by 10am. Sunday's experience (I arrived at 9:30 and sat on my own in the changing room for 25 minutes during which their entire team came in, changed and went out onto the field, before the rest of you arrived, changed and ran out to play leaving Stanton and I in the changing rooms with the nets) goes down as a low point for "teamwork".

Rambaut Fairley · Fri 17 December 2010

Great result on Sunday. 7-0 win for those who weren't there. Made easier by the oppo's lack of numbers I feel.

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 19 January 2011

There were mixed views about whether to be pleased or disappointed with the draw on Sunday. On the whole I think you've got to be pleased if you score the last goal. A glance at the league table makes pleasant reading for the first time in a while. We are 4th, 4 points behind 2nd placed Crouch End Rangers with a game in hand.

Cheers

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 31 January 2011

Well played on Sunday. Thought we were excellent. Very unlucky not to get the equaliser over the last 20. I meant what I said after the game: the fact that we were disappointed really reflects how much better we're playing now than early in the season. If it hadn't been for that period of struggling to get a team out between Mid-October and Mid-November we'd be right up there.

Cheers,

Rambaut

Rambaut Fairley · Thu 3 March 2011

Unfortunately the two no-shows on Sunday morning had the impact the correlation would have predicted and we lost narrowly. Shame, as we had 2 people left at home. Chart included below to articulate this better.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 20 September 2011

For those who weren't there on Sunday, you missed an old school humdinger. If you picture Fernando Torres' miss at Old Trafford, but imagine it was the last kick of the game and his side were trailing 4-3, you've pretty much captured it. We're sending Fernando back to Spain this weekend for a bit of time away from the limelight.

Watson Pringle · Thu 13 October 2011

Terrible performance on Sunday, commiserations to all those involved, and to the parents that brought them into the world and thereby facilitated such horrendous football.

James Leviseur · Wed 19 October 2011

Last week, for those who weren't there:

Good first half, bad second half. Our two centre backs scored the goals to put us clear, we then conceded two late goals to throw away 2 points. Disappointing, but good in patches.

All in all, much less humbling than the previous week.

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 28 November 2011

Sunday was an excellent result. We deserved it and, given the other team were 4th in the league, it made up somewhat for the disappointing results against Shooters and Crouch End. I think we all know we still need to keep the ball better, but in defence and on the counter on Sunday we were good.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 24 January 2012

We were unlucky on Sunday. I think we deserved to win it. I hope everyone enjoyed it; that first goal is how we should play. Thanks also to Harker and Tudor, who stood down when we had too many; much appreciated.

This game is not in the club's match records — recovered from the email archive alone.

James Leviseur · Tue 7 August 2012

Our first friendly of the season last Sunday continued a number of strong AFC traditions - only 8 players to start the game (wearing at least 3 different shirt colours); a keeper getting lobbed from 40 yards; and 7 goals conceded by the final whistle.

That said, it was a good way to run off the night before.

James Leviseur · Tue 11 September 2012

Many thanks to the 6 who made it down on Sunday. A 5-2 loss ensued, with a Brasenose keeper letting in all 5 of those we conceded, and both our goals scored by subs on loan from the opposition. That said, it was a reasonable run out in the sunshine.

James Leviseur · Tue 18 September 2012

Sunday's result

What follows won't be seen very often, so drink it in:

CARIBB CLUB FC 4 - 5 AFC BRASENOSE

Bransden x 4

Bittlestone x 1

What. A. Game.

A dodgy start to Sunday morning saw Andy Norman being attacked by a group of 8 year olds on the way to a ground somewhere in outer London - no prizes for guessing why - but having recovered swiftly AFC came into their own, smashing our way through to the next round of the (London) FA Cup. A fine start to the season.

Top performances all round, but clearly Pete seals the man of the match for his four goal haul (by half-time). Amreet, left back is looking more and more like your new home.

James Leviseur · Tue 2 October 2012

Decent point on Sunday (2-2) - Matthew Bittlestone continuing his free scoring form, and a reassuringly tight display at the back led by the rock solid Chris Tudor. We currently sit sixth in the table (of 9), but have played fewer games than most of the rest of the league. Overall, a good start to the 2012/13 league campaign.

James Leviseur · Tue 13 November 2012

A strong turn out from the current BNC crop at Old Boys last weekend (see attached photo) could do little to stop our attacking flair during the game. 7 goals scored meant AFC were flying going forwards...

That said, given the game finished 7-7, clearly the night before had more of an impact on our defensive colleagues. Especially odd given that Andy "50 cap" Norman doesn't drink...

Something to work on for this week's game.

James Leviseur · Mon 3 December 2012

Following yesterday's dramatic penalty shoot out win (after their keeper equalised in the 91st minute to make it 3-3), we are now in the semi-finals of Cuppers. This will be played in February, and will be against Teddy Hall. If we win that it looks like we'll be renewing our rivalry with Worcester in the final...

Jack Barrett · Mon 7 January 2013

For those of you who haven't heard, we started yesterday with 9 men. We equalised on 30 mins courtesy of Pete Bransden's left knee. A few minutes into the second half I broke through their defence and stroked one in from the edge of the box, before Housty gave away a (harsh) penalty to receive his second yellow and take an early shower. They equalised, but a heroic eight held out for at least 20 minutes to double our points tally for the season. I went home yesterday and watched the Miracle of Medinah and I'm still trying to decide which was more impressive....

Watson Pringle · Wed 16 January 2013

Congrats to those who played in last week's 7-2 drubbing of Tollington Trailblazers - a good performance all round.

James Leviseur · Tue 12 February 2013

Disappointingly, we just fell short on Sunday - a 4-3 loss sending us out of Old Boys Cuppers at the semi-final stage.

Anyway, onwards and upwards.

Jack Barrett · Mon 13 May 2013

Another big win yesterday, well done all. That was up there with the best football we've played all season. Let's keep this up - league survival is very much still on if we can repeat that on Sunday. Further good news - we're no longer bottom of the league!

Jack Barrett · Tue 21 May 2013

Unfortunately we couldn't continue our run on Sunday and after a lacklustre start to the first half were left to chase the game in vain. Nevertheless we've been playing good football recently and it would be great to finish on a high.

Written on Monday 16 September about “yesterday”, which makes this the 15th. The club's records date the match a week later, on the 22nd.

Jack Barrett — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Mon 16 September 2013

Yesterday saw the black and yellow get off to a pulsating start to the season. Facing some of the most difficult defensive conditions imaginable we found ourselves 1-0 down within minutes as the swirling wind let a ball bounce kindly for shooters, some midfielder crashing one into the top corner. It was, I reluctantly admit, unstoppable. As we continued to struggle to clear our lines it was not long before we were 2-0 down, with both defence and midfield a little slow off their feet (understandable for the start of the season) to cut out a knocked-down throw in, allowing another ageing shooters player to hit a low drive into the bottom corner.

We did not let our heads drop, however, and continued to plug away despite running into an actual hurricane on the marshes. Leviseur identified that Tutankhamen at right back was a little unsteady on his pegs, rounding him in the box only to be savagely dragged down by the old buffer. Pringle duly despatched the resulting penalty to bring us back into the game.

Sadly the defence let their guard down yet again before the break, allowing someone's Dad to slip in at the back post and roll one past Hoyle.

At the break the sense of relief was palpable - a very difficult half of defending was over. Sure enough we spent the majority of the second half mooching about on the half way line, and used the wind to our advantage to grab an early goal thanks to Leviseur, who latched on to a well aimed defensive clearance, rounded the keeper, and set the scene for a great 40 minutes of football.

I can't recall specifics, but the highlight of the half, indeed of the game, and likely of my life, was seeing Leviseur cruelly held back from a ball bouncing around the six yard box by the oldest man I know, the referee correctly judging that a goal scoring opportunity had been denied. With his granddaughter (potentially great granddaughter) cheering him on from the sidelines, the old fella took an early bath after being shown a straight red. He'll have the time to take her to the zoo or something next weekend.

Alas Pringle lost the following mental battle, the keeper correctly guessing his well struck penalty and pulling off a fine save. We were not be disappointed however, with Elliott-Kelly finishing off a fine left wing move to level the scores and set up a pulsating last 15.

Having already had one header ruled out for a fairly obvious shove in the box, Kang was determined not to depart empty handed and met an Elliott-Kelly corner with his combover, beating the keeper and rounding off a generally impressive start to the season.

Final highlights would include Rick Hoyle's excellent save in the last five minutes keeping out the second/third most annoying player on the pitch, and Rob Clarke's very solid debut at right back that showed calm and composure in the face of such odious competition.

Jack Barrett — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Mon 30 September 2013

Yesterday morning saw Bertoli FC overcome by a very solid Brasenose outfit, who - like any quality premier league side does - protected a hard earned lead and closed out the opposition for the entire second half. This leaves us 2 for 2 and third in the league, with two games in hand. An excellent start to the season, well done chaps.

Some administrative errors on the part of the league left us without a pitch until 10:20am before Mr Caylor briefly postponed being a massive weapon to admit that pitch #1 had in fact been free all along, albeit with a meadow of grass and a mini beach on the pitch. This was to work in Brasenose's favour with Bitty jogging over just in time for the 10;45 kick off.

With minimal warm up it took us a little while to get our foot on the ball and our touch dialled in, with the initial period scrappy and not one for the onlookers (of which there were none). Change was afoot, however, as David Stanton collected the ball under minimal pressure in defence. Shifting the ball out wide, with Rich Davies covering from DMC, Stanton lurched forward, stalking down the middle of the pitch. His contribution had only just begun though, as Pete Bransden slipped the ball back into the middle of the park. Begging to be hit, Stanton found that sweet spot between the side of the foot and the laces, creating a combination of accuracy and power that was too much for the floundering Bertoli keeper who could do nothing to stop a quality strike.

The remainder of the first half passed without event. Shaping up after half time the defence had a mini team talk, looking to record a rare clean sheet against a relatively impotent attack. The next 45 minutes were thoroughly professional from all involved, Bertoli barely getting a sniff as The Nose kept the pressure on in attack and a high line in defence, Hoyle rarely called into action. As always he was reliable and effective when the occasional long ball came his way.

We all know what a slender lead 1-0 is on the marshes, so up stepped our man of the match Rich Davies to double our advantage. Barely missing a defensive header all game, Davies looked to take advantage of Leviseur's long throw that had proved a danger all morning. Muttering "don't do a defensive header, don't do a defensive header" as he strode forwards his methods were vindicated as Davies met the Leviseur throw with his forehead, the keeper able only to palm the ball into the net.

Other points to note would be a strong (as in, no one could get the ball off of him) performance from James Wain, some excellent running down the left from Pete, and the referee calling me a little t***. No need for bitterness when you're winning though, so we still awarded that toolbag 60/100.

I thought yesterday was a quality performance and showed significant improvements on the last couple of seasons, so well done all. Details of this Sunday to follow later today.

Jack Barrett — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Sun 6 October 2013

Gents... Where do I start?!? Rambaut is about to prop his desk up as his correlations are yet again shown to hold true. Starting the week on 18, we whittled this down - through the good grace of Brownie, Hal and Rich - to a solid 14 that lined up on a beautiful Sunday morning, dew glistening like cobwebs over what was to become the scene of a footballing massacre.

Running through passages of play will take too long. That's because we scored nine... NINE .... NIIIINE!! Some slightly rash defending allowed Gyro to squeeze a couple past us, but 9-2 remains the most resounding scoreline I can remember. I leave it to Opta Fairley to confirm where this ranks.

As a performance, that really was a joy to watch. As their defender neatly put it, we were "relentless". A welcome return for Kailey allowed my man of the match Dave Hollowday to win almost every header, break down most attacks and press them throughout the entire game. Col and Lev's partnership proved fruitful yet again- it's emotional to see such an affinity develop week on week. Barbs and Clarke were yet again composed in defence, and Harker ran them ragged down the right. I could go on, because on a different day we were all worthy winners of man of the match. Thanks to you all for turning up incredibly early, taking the warm up seriously, and generally keeping our heads on as we ran them into the ground.

What a start to the season this has been- I'll be in touch tomorrow about next Sunday, but in the meantime please fill in Doodle, cancel alternative plans and get pumped for another opportunity to resoundingly batter/thump/destroy/annihilate/run over/swashbuckle/defeat more hapless opposition.

Highlights for me... Col's diving header, Hollowday correctly explaining that booting the ball away when you're 7-1 down is idiocy, and the unfortunate Stanton arriving at 9:55 (presumably expecting to be the first out) meaning he was the latest and thus started on the bench?!!!!?!?!?!?!

We just won 9-2.

Jack Barrett — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Wed 23 October 2013

This morning I awoke with the same heavy heart I felt on Monday morning, with Arsenal's dignified and spirited defeat reminiscent of that suffered by AFC Brasenose on Sunday, who lost their first game of their season against a well drilled Coalition side, the scoreline 2-1.

Because I currently lack the energy to write about an unfulfilling week of football, I am going to borrow from today's media, firstly The Telegraph. "It is pointless castigating [Brasenose] unduly, as they were really exposed trying to win the game, to secure the additional points that would [continue their perfect record and leave them well placed to dominate the league once the games in hand have been played]".

Much like Arsenal last night, we found ourselves behind after the opposition had come out of the blocks much faster, bullying us on the ball and forcing a goal from close range after 10 minutes.

"[Brasenose] responded, adhering to their passing game, continuing to work the ball upfield. [The defence] had been caught out but they were not going to compromise their principles" and played out the remainder of the half as worthy opponents, if not the better side.

Unlike Arsenal, our goal came the other side of half time, with Coalition failing to clear their lines allowing Elliott-Kelly to find the top corner from inside the box. Game on.

Borrowing now from the Guardian, "[Brasenose] and [Coalition] had matched each other with their formations and it became a battle of wits in midfield. [Coalition] were slick in patches but [Brasenose] need not beat themselves up about their game. They looked the likelier winners in the second half . . . One mistake . . . Would be decisive".

We can take heart from Sunday's game where we matched the league leaders across the pitch and were unlucky not to leave with a point. Like Arsenal will do in Dortmund, I expect us to come out fighting again on Sunday and let this be nothing more than a collection of positives cruelly shrouded in a veil of defeat.

Jack Barrett — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Mon 28 October 2013

Yesterday morning a 13 strong Brasenose team succumbed to Dorigo 2-1, and unlike last week, it is difficult to take many positives.

Dorigo are a bad team. They are rugby players who 'love the Champions League', who take Phil McNulty as gospel, and think that any Premier League game without a top six team in is boring to watch. And we made them look reasonably good at football.

I have to say we did warm up well, with a full squad well in advance of kick off and decent touch being shown by all of those present. That simply makes our slow, ineffective start to the game all the more difficult to understand. This lacklustre performance continued throughout the game. Though Col neatly took the chance presented to him, we were fortunate that an air kick from Chris Robshaw at centre back created the opportunity. We then sat back, chilled out, and as a defensive unit offered little to no protection to the keeper. It was in no way unjust when they equalised just before half time.

On a blustery day, I at this point hoped that with wind behind us we would return to the form we've been so effective with of late, and press them all over the park, flooding forward at every opportunity. Alas no, we failed even to effectively mark in defence despite having decent spells of possession, and again were not hard done by to concede a late 80 minute goal.

Firstly I want to apologise for my post match summary. I was extremely frustrated and angry with the result, but was not in any way constructive with what I said. Worst of all we should not be a team who single others out unless it is with useful feedback, and I regret doing so. Apologies Bal.

I thought that everyone was sub par yesterday. Whether half the team have been at an event the night before or not, that's no excuse not to take a game seriously, and whether we are perhaps 5% slower than usual, we're all smart enough to think straight. This means that yesterday we were capable of playing our game, especially against that oppo. Why we decided to abandon our passing game, avoid any consistent use of width and spurn countless opportunities to play the easy ball - whatever direction that was in - is beyond me.

If anything can be taken from yesterday's result, it is that I think we all feel we are capable of much better and don't want to accept score lines such as that. In the past I think reluctant acceptance of any 2-1 defeat was the norm, but we can aim higher this year. Hopefully this will be evident next week, as it is very important we regain some momentum.

Fairly difficult to reward anyone for their performance yesterday, but I thought Harker put in a solid shift, and was probably our most consistently available player when we had the ball. Well played mate.

Jack Barrett · Mon 4 November 2013

Yesterday saw an unfortunate Brasenose lose 4-2 to Highbury Town on a blustery morning at the marshes.

The first half felt very familiar - defending into a gale, struggling to get out of our half, but concentrating and battling extremely hard to keep a clean sheet (we managed it this week). I was very proud of our first 45 minutes and thought everyone was on top form.

It's difficult to work out exactly what happened in the second half. I felt like we lacked confidence in playing the passing game that has been so effective for us in previous games this season. I certainly wouldn't accuse anyone of having a bad game or of not applying themselves.

Fifteen minutes in it seemed that we were a little frustrated not to have scored - given the wind advantage we had - and probably exposed ourselves a little at the back as we looked to flood their half, conceding to counteracts four times in quick succession in a dire 20 minute period. As one member of the defence I have to hold my hands up and say that wasn't good enough on our part, though I take heart from the first half for aforementioned reasons.

The game could have been different as we were denied a stonewall penalty at 1-0 down. Minutes later we had one awarded against us - now although I admit there was contact with their striker, in light of the (shoddy) 'explanation' given by the less-good-Paul-Scholes as to why Lev being hauled down was not a penalty, I can't help but feel hard done by.

We did well to pull ourselves together and although it made little difference to the result, Hollowday must take credit for capping another solid performance with an absolute screamer, taking a bouncing ball down on his right, before switching to his left to lob the keeper via the underside of the bar from well outside of the box. Take a bow son.

Late on a neat move saw a Leviseur through ball find the 'onside' Elliot Kelly to slot home and restore an ounce of pride in the result.

Man of the match Matt Bittlestone defined diminutive; confident on the ball and beating their central midfielders on a regular basis. It was a sad sight as he limped off late on in the game following a shocking challenge from their intensely annoying left winger - best wishes for a speedy recovery mate.

No game next week, which is pretty fortunate as it may give the ref time to forget some words spoken in his direction, mainly by Hollowday who made sure we won't be getting any 50/50 decisions from him for a while. You were right though, he did need contact lenses, and I was right that he was a ....

See you in a couple of weeks - really hope we can get out a big squad and return to the winning ways our effort deserves.

Jack Barrett — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Mon 18 November 2013

Yesterday a new look Brasenose beat Langham in the Junior Cup 2-1 - good preparation for our first round Cuppers match against Christchurch this Sunday.

Our squad took a late hit as Kang and Kailey were ruled out through work and injury respectively (best wishes for speedy recovery Bal), and thus the long awaited return of Eli, Staves and Evans couldn't have come at a better time. Thanks to all three for stepping in - hopefully your next appearance won't be in another 12-18m time..

It was not a pretty 90 minutes of football by any stretch of the imagination, but I was very pleased with our performance yesterday. Langham had a couple of good players, and a rapid winger in attack, and looked like they might cause us some problems as we struggled to get our foot on the ball in the first 20 minutes.

The breakthrough came - somewhat against the run of play - as Leviseur drilled one across the box following a poorly cleared corner, Rob Clark popping up at the back post to steer the ball in with his wrong foot. Another composed finish in front of goal, as we have come to expect from our back four this season.

For the rest of the half we dominated the game and looked likely to add to our tally, Watson and Lev combining well up front with a couple of longer range efforts nearly doubling our lead. Hollowday was industrious in midfield and fell victim to a number of heel clips and late challenges as Langham struggled to contain him. As always Dave took this with grace, letting the referee decide when to blow for a foul and keeping his distance from the guilty parties.

From the whistle the second half was a different game as Langham shifted their nippy winger to their left hand and side and looked to exploit the space behind our back four as we sat back and let them play. Following a Brasenose attack they countered, the quick guy latching on to ball over the top and finding their centre forward who steered it in at the near post.

Brasenose were not to be denied, however- firstly Rob and I had a word about their left winger. Rob kept tight to him for the rest of the game and barely gave him a sniff. Quality all game and well deserving of his second man of the match award of the season, Rob was also involved in our swift response to their equaliser. Winning the ball with another well timed slide tackle, he found Harker out wide who fed the ball into the channel, allowing Leviseur to run on, cut the ball back in the box and find Pringle. Showing the skill, composure and ruthlessness of a certain Marouane Chamakh, Watson jinked this way and that, stepping past two or three challenges before rolling the ball into the bottom corner for one of the goals of the season so far.

A tense 20 minutes followed as they bombarded our goal but the back four remained resolute, Mitropoulos battering away a few fiercely struck shots to protect our lead.

Great to get another win on the board boys, and combined with our earlier victory in the Challenge Cup, and our first round Cuppers match on Sunday (details to follow), we're now fighting for a cup on three fronts.

I for one would like to win the treble.

Jack Barrett — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Tue 3 December 2013

Sunday saw Brasenose lose 5-3 to a reasonable Langham side, though with HT/FT scores of 5-1/5-3 all is not lost.

Some average Doodling and unfortunate last minute call-ups to work left Brasenose to field ten men for the first time this season. It happens but please let's try and not make a habit of this... We've been here before and it's no fun when it occurs consistently.

Fresh off the back of their 2-1 humiliation to Brasenose in the cup a fortnight ago, Langham came out of the blocks desperate for revenge and soon tasted that sweet nectar, building up a three goal advantage within 20 minutes. A combination of sluggish closing down in the box and some excellent strikes from Langham were to blame, and we desperately needed to plug the gaps and mount some kind of resistance, else we were facing a rout.

A much needed boost was found when Leviseur collected a poor defensive header from Langham, beat a couple of men on the edge of box and hit a right foot fizzer low to the keepers right, reducing the deficit to two and reminding the team that we had a chance to get something out of the game. For the remainder of the half we reduced the frequency with which we gave the ball away (admittedly from a very high level down to a slightly less, but still very, high level) and were unlucky to see Langham extend their lead further, from a well struck shot into the top corner and a goalmouth scramble that somehow allowed them to nod one in at the back post.

A little deflated at half time we sought to restore some pride in the game and started the second half with gusto, showing more potency in attack and willingness to get stuck in, Watson "fat sh1t" Pringle* put in a great shift in midfield to break down their play and - at the risk of exposing the defence - we moved forward in greater numbers.

Dangerous all game, the Leviseur long throw proved its worth yet again as the Langham defence could only flick one to the back post where Harker lurked to tap one in and protect our goal difference. Buoyed by our success we sought further deficit reduction, which allowed Gyro much more space on the break. Had it not been for man of the match Mitropoulos our attacking efforts could have been costly, but Eli kept their nippy strikers at bay with some excellent shot stopping and a pair of very safe hands from corners.

Alas, despite our best efforts there was no way back after conceding five in the first half, though with the last kick of the game we managed further consolation as a well struck effort from Leviseur was palmed across goal, allowing temporary centre forward Barrett to crash one in from well outside the box. 2-0 in the second half was an excellent result and allows us to take some positives from what could have been a real drubbing.

*these were the words of the ugliest midfielder in the CSFL

Jack Barrett — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Sun 8 December 2013

Today, Brasenose did well to grind out a 3-2 win against gyro, giving away a two goal lead before Harker stepped up to deliver the goods with almost the final kick of the game.

Short of players and nets at lunchtime on Saturday, our thanks go to Tricky for stepping in to complete the squad, and also to Metropolitan Rockets for providing a net for us to break.

From the off Gyro looked a) better than the last time we battered them and b) still quite rubbish, and with Man of the Match Watson Pringle dictating play from the off, we began to play some neat football. It was not long before Hollowday beat a man, exchanged passes with Watson before clipping one through to Tricky Wilson, who scored his first Brasenose Old Boys goal as he rolled one into the far corner.

The rest of the half passed largely without event - when we held our shape and had at least one man to protect the defence, we dealt comfortably with Gyro's 5 man midfield and gave them little hope. One disappointment was that we seemed constantly rushed in possession despite playing a team who rarely put us under pressure. I think we can be confident when playing against the majority of teams in our league that man for man we are the better side, and can play proper football into feet. We should only be clipping balls over the top when we are under pressure in defence (and you all know I am a big advocate of doing so..), not when we have the ball out wide and are facing useless full backs.

The second half was much improved for the first twenty minutes, and we had a number of good opportunities as we made constructive use of Hal and Harker, who linked up well with the wound up Lev. The Leviseur throw proved its worth yet again, as Watson climbed to nod one in at the back post and put the game (or should have put the game) beyond Gyro.

Lest we forget, we are playing Sunday league football. It wouldn't be so were we not to spurn a two goal advantage against an average team, and so it was. A close range header and a lucky ricochet got Gyro right back into the game with 10 minutes to play, but as I said, this is Sunday league football. Watson found Harker out wide, who spotted the keeper was poorly positioned. Ever the chancer, he hit a dipping, swerving, powerful shot. Nevertheless it was ambitious at best and would have been a routine save for the ever reliable Hoyle. Unfortunately for Gyro, Hoyle was between our sticks and their stand in keeper could only spill Harker's effort into the corner of the net to give Brasenose a well deserved win: deserved only because we are a better team, not because of our tired and mostly uninspiring last 25 minutes.

James Leviseur · Mon 16 December 2013

The dream is still alive. AFC Brasenose marched into the next round of the Challenge Cup on Sunday to keep alive hopes of a famous Quadruple*.

With a full XI at kick-off but missing the managerial presence of Barrett this week, AFC Brasenose limbered up against a team one division below them but with a decibel level of Sunday league chat that suggested they were seasoned pros. Fortunately, Birkbeck's defence - consisting of 4 remarkably shrill and stocky characters - did not live up to the billing.

Despite taking the minority share of possession in the opening minutes, Brasenose saw all the early chances fall their way. Stand-in centre-half Henry unluckily saw a strong free header 8 yards out fly just over the bar from a whipped corner, and then Leviseur's left-foot shot from the right edge of the box clipped the post before deflecting to safety.

Stockley - having spent much of the Thing 1 & 2 before the game vowing to atone for last week's point blank miss from a corner - soon made good on his pre-game promises, giving Brasenose a deserved lead. A delightfully floated corner from Elliott-Kelly was met with a thundering header from the rangy centre-back - into the ground first and then, as planned, into the roof of the net. One nil. AFC's lead was doubled shortly after, when a through-ball from either Harker or Hollowday (apologies) was poked artfully past the keeper by Elliott-Kelly. No amount of shrieking about "being the better team" could mask the definitive score-line at this stage: AFC had been clinical.

Birkbeck were thrown a lifeline as half-time approached. A cross from the right cruelly striking the arm of AFC's left-back, Bransden, with the ref pointing straight to the spot. What followed marked the start of a man-of-the-match performance from keeper Hoyle, saving smartly with his legs after a Southgate-esque penalty down the middle from one of the loudmouth centre-backs. The let-off was a sign that AFC couldn't rest of their laurels. Stockley took heed, powering a diving header like a man-possessed past the keeper from a corner minutes later. 3-0.

Half-time came, passed, and saw a relaxed AFC team return for what should've been an enjoyable second half given the score-line. Not to be. What followed was one of the most boring 30 minutes of football your correspondent has seen in a long time, as Birkbeck were given upwards of 25 "long" throw-ins in the final third to get back in the match. Heroics from the defence - with Hoyle unbeatable and Henry deploying his face effectively to produce one of the most astonishing point-blank goal line clearance ever seen - left them frustrated.

The final 15 minutes saw an upturn in the quality of play, with Birkbeck pulling one back from a nice team goal that made things interesting again. Not for long. Norman to Pringle. A one-two with Hollowday then threaded out to Harker on the wing. Pinged in with precision to Leviseur in the box and cushioned back for Hollowday to rifle in a finish that left Birkbeck dead and buried. The sort of goal AFC are capable of when playing to their strengths, and that they'll need to produce more for harder tests to come in later rounds.

All in all, a thoroughly satisfying end to the calender year. Safely mid-table in the league but with games in hand to take us 2nd if we take maximum points. And through to the next round in both the Challenge and Junior Cups, as well being one game away from an Old-Boys Cuppers final appearance.

* had we lost, technically a Quadruple of sorts would've still been on, courtesy of whichever plate / bowl competition that "runners up" get shunted into. But - like Liverpool winning the "treble" in 2001 with the Worthington and UEFA Cups - no one counts the Bill Price.

Jack Barrett — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Wed 15 January 2014

Sunday saw an unfortunate Brasenose lose 3-0 to Highbury Town in the junior cup.

Looking first to the main positive - an end of at least one cup run does make it more likely we will get a chance to play all of our games this season, given we have many games in hand and are likely to miss a couple more due to inclement weather.

Sunday couldn't have been a better illustration of why Rambaut's favourite 'people versus time graph... And where does the line go... Well you know... People' stat is so accurate (that was a reference for Simon and Lev... For the non Office fans amongst you I am referring to the strong correlation between fielding eleven players and winning games). A 10 man Brasenose fought hard to keep a clean sheet in the first half, repelling the attacks of an individually-average-but-decent-as-a-unit Highbury Town, aided by the welcome return of one Rambaut Fairley at right back. The legend returns.

In fact the first 60 minutes did not look like a game with unbalanced team sizes, as we took the game to them, making use of Ditch's pace / Watson's skill on the flanks. We were unlucky to go a goal down following a mix up surrounding a long throw and the requirement of drinking water during a phase of play, but we can be proud of the fact that after going a goal down against a team with an extra player, we searched for an equaliser as Hollowday and Balrik worked tirelessly in midfield to provide some scraps for the always hungry Lev to feed on.

The greatest credit must go to the defensive five of Hoyle/Norman/Fairley/Clark/Stockley however, who were dogged and effective in their protection of the goal for the majority of the game, led by man of the match Hal who showed great strength to persistently break down attacks and clear the lines despite taking a number of bruising challenges and stray elbows.

The final few minutes saw a couple more lucky goals for Highbury Town who exploited our understandably tired legs. Much to be proud of though lads. One cannot help but feel that had we had that 11th man the trust would have been much different.

James Leviseur · Tue 21 January 2014

Although the scoreline might've seemed a little harsh, there's no shame in losing to the runaway league leaders who have a 10 point and +43 goal difference lead on the second placed team in the league.

Simon Harker · Sun 16 February 2014

Shooters 2-4 Brasenose

A good performance today saw Brasenose record our first win of the new year against a depleted Shooters team. Beginning the game with only 9 men Shooters kept the ball well early on but with the back four being well shielded by Housty in a holding role they posed minimal threat. It was not long before we were able to impose our own passing game and began to create some chances. One of these led to our first goal as Lev controlled a cross cut-back from the right on the edge of the box and did well to find space and drill in a low right-footed shot beyond the keeper and into the corner.

Brasenose made it two when Lev did brilliantly to head a speculative right-wing cross back across the keeper and into the far corner. A text-book header. The aerial route proved fruitful again for Brasenose's third as Lev picked out Hollowday with a cross from the right that was well glanced into the far corner leaving the keeper with no chance. Shooters were able to launch one dangerous attack in the first half but luckily for Brasenose Ram was equal to it pulling off a wonderful save diving low to his right and getting a strong hand to Shooters' effort from close range.

The start of the second half did not quite go according to plan. Buoyed by going up to ten men Shooters were able to pull a couple of goals back through a corner and a fortuitous ricochet dropping at a striker's feet from a cross. Brasenose, however, stood firm and continued to create chances at the other end including an unfortunate miss from yours truly that some may argue was an open goal. One of these chances was finally taken when Brasenose won a free-kick after Ditch had been cynically brought down while running through on goal. From a position just left of the edge of the D and about 25 yards out Lev curled a right-footed shot over the wall and into the top corner. This goal completed Lev's hat-trick and capped off a man of the match performance. There was even time for Lev to have a brief stint in goal and pull off a decent save as Shooters tried forlornly to get back into the game. Happily, they were unsuccessful and Brasenose were able to see out the rest of the match. A good performance all round.

A quick word on the opposition who, despite missing some of their bigger dickheads, still managed to be both irritating and stupid in equal measure. Whether it was questioning my gender for wearing gloves or pointing out that it's not a foul throw if the thrower has both feet off the floor they certainly had a lot to stay little of which was grounded in fact (last time I checked). They drink in a pub called the Albion apparently should anyone ever have the desire to hang out with some particularly moronic Neanderthals.

I have just been informed that this moves us up to fifth with the potential to go third if we win our games in hand so there is plenty still to play for this season. I think today more then ever showed the importance of getting out a full 11 for every game so thank you to everyone who played and I would urge everyone on the email list to do their best to turn out for as many of the remaining games as possible. We are in the midst of a really good season and it would be a shame if it lost momentum now. And in any event who in their right mind doesn't want to spend Sunday mornings playing football with their mates?

Well played everybody and see you all next week.

Rambaut Fairley — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Mon 17 March 2014

I think perhaps very slightly more could be said about Sunday.

Sunday was an absolutely glorious morning. Genuinely, if you weren't playing football your life was worse. So feel very sorry for those of you who would have liked to be doing so, but couldn't.

That said, there were only 7 of us plus two ringers at kick off time which suggests that too many of you are depriving yourselves of this Sunday morning privilege. Come on, don't be so hard on yourselves. You work hard, you deserve a break. And it's fun out there and no one shouts at you when you do things badly. Plus, it's even more fun when 12 of you turn up and you win 6-1, like we did last week.

I, for one, haven't seen loads of you in ages. Go on....

James Leviseur · Tue 1 April 2014

A valiant but ultimately unsuccessful effort in the Bill Price Cup quarter final last Sunday leaves us with just 2 games left this season. Potentially 3...

Jack Barrett · Mon 14 April 2014

For the benefit of those who weren't there yesterday, Brasenose crushed Oriel 4-1 to reach the final of Old Boys Cuppers, details of which will follow soon I imagine.

I thought it was an excellent performance, especially after we were unfortunate to go behind early on. Pivotal to the win was having 13 players at least 30 minutes before kickoff, that meant that as well as being warmed up, we were focused from the off. This resulted in some of our best spells of attacking play I have seen all season, and a defence that was very rarely troubled.

Thanks to everyone for trekking across London to get there early and secure progression to the final.

This was rarely true of the majority of games I've watched from the sidelines this season, but yesterday has left me looking forward to watching more in the final. Good luck.

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 25 August 2014

Many thanks to everyone who was there on Saturday. A thoroughly enjoyable afternoon to mark the start of the season. Also some surprisingly nice football and a winning margin of 5-3 that possibly flattered the opposition, if not Hollowday's goalkeeping (although we all remain very grateful to him for volunteering to do the last half hour). Added to that, 3 great debuts (A Turner, Bittlestone Jr Jr, Ricky Martin (who doesn't look at all like Teenwolf any more)), I thought Bittlestone Sr (well, not senior - the middle one) was brilliant, and an amazing team goal on the final whistle that deserved a lot more adulation than it got. What more could an overly optimistic August ask for?

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 1 September 2014

Sounds like another really positive game on Sunday. Particular thanks to Bitty and Rob for sharing the goal-time, and Rob for organising.

Matt Houston · Mon 8 September 2014

Undeniably a disappointing result to kick things off yesterday, going down 5-1 to a decent Highbury Town outfit. I felt we were slightly unfortunate to go into the break 2-0 down. The first 20-minute period in the second half showed real signs of promise for the season ahead though as we passed it around them and deservedly brought it back to 2-1 with a Stanton header. We had them really panicked at that stage and should have brought things level. Conceding a sloppy goal when we looked the team much more likely to score took the wind out of our sails though and I think we all have to concede that fitness played a role as they pushed onto 4 and 5 in the final twenty mins.

James Leviseur · Tue 16 September 2014

An epic 5-5 draw on Sunday against Shooters. It had everything.

AFC going 4-1 down, deservedly. A top draw save from Hoyle in goal to stop it becoming even more of a rout. Elliott-Kelly's hat-trick pulling us back into it - with a handful of excellent assists from new winger Harry Davis. Then an AFC 'keeping howler to gift them what seemed like an 89th minute winner - only for Jack Davies to step up and smash an equaliser into the roof of the net in the dying seconds. Not to mention one of the crowd sent to the stands for gently pointing out the ref's ineptitude throughout.

Proper Sunday league.

Matt Houston · Mon 6 October 2014

Beyond saying thank you to the 9 players who made it on time yesterday, especially those who brought the ringers, I think it's best to just move on...

Robert Clark · Thu 23 October 2014

A respectable display on Sunday with 10 men in what was always going to be a struggle.

Robert Clark · Tue 28 October 2014

A full complement of 11 players, and a substitute(!), took all 3 points with a 7-2 victory against Dorigo on Sunday as Jamie Lindsay and Ed Bonnell made their debuts for AFC.

Lindsay's through ball allowed Bransden to slide one beneath the keeper in the opening minute, followed shortly by a towering header from Clark to finish a pin-point corner from Elliot-Kelly.

A nicely slotted pass from Evans was elegantly finished by Elliot-Kelly to bring a third goal for AFC. An unfortunate tweaked groin made this Neil's last contribution, as he made way for Ed Bonnell to begin an excellent debut up top, bullying the Dorigo back 4 for the remainder of the game.

Dorigo's first goal followed, regrettably returning my personal goal contribution to net zero.

Having failed to block a cross from the left wing, a wildly sliced Dorigo volley, heading no fewer than 10 yards wide, struck a retreating Me sharply on the shoulder before diverting itself past a flailing Fairley, snugly into the top corner.

Further highlights included two debuts goals from Jamie Lindsay and one for Hollowday, all three provided for by carefully judged Bransden blocked-shot-assists. Elliot-Kelly finished off the scoring with the best of the seven, lifting the ball deftly over the lunging foot of the Dorigo CB before stroking the ball into the far corner. An ungainly Bonnell bicycle kick and a well-saved Elliot-Kelly free kick also shouldn't go unmentioned.

An outburst of AFC-affection from Bransden as he lay in the bath on Sunday evening provides adequate testament to how enjoyable a morning on the Marshes is when we get a full side out.

Rambaut Fairley · Mon 3 November 2014

I'll be honest, it was pretty unpleasant and cold on Sunday morning. In spite of that, I thought we played decent football and were unlucky to lose. We were the better side in the first half and had the most pressure and chances. We definitely could have won, and we were unlucky to lose. By way of context, that team are top of the Division and unbeaten (they've won 7 of their 8 games); it shows yet again what a difference having 13 players makes. Many thanks to all that played, particularly Luke Saunders, Charlie Gilbert and Luca on their debuts.

Rambaut Fairley — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Sun 25 January 2015

This morning was the most fun I've had on the marshes in some time. Only a draw when we deserved a win but we played well and genuinely deserved more. No one had a bad game.

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 18 February 2015

Fantastic effort last Sunday. Genuinely unlucky to go down 2-1 to the leaders of Division 1. They were lucky and they knew it. A huge amount of that effort was mindset, and knowing that we needed to work hard and be organised to be in the game.

James Leviseur · Wed 18 March 2015

A nuggety 1-0 win at the weekend against arch-rivals Shooters gave our debutants the perfect start to life on Ram's spreadsheet. Don't get used to that big green circle lads, you won't be there for long.

James Leviseur · Tue 24 March 2015

Enjoyable 2-2 draw on Sunday.

Luke strong at the back, Jake marauding down the wing, and Ditch coming up trumps with a great volleyed second goal. Disappointing to concede the equaliser so late on - but really good second half performance. And great to see Neil so committed to the ref's personal development.

James Leviseur · Wed 8 April 2015

"Just had a text from Dan. Apparently he's injured himself last night so he can't play".

Pulling a hammy on a Saturday night out? Very unlucky........

With that body blow coming at 8.30am on the morning of the game, I wasn't optimistic about getting a result. Down to 9 men before kick off against a strong opposition, what might come to the rescue of the AFC cause?

Met Rockets turning up with only 8 men seemed to do the trick. A 5-1 demolition job by AFC followed.

James Leviseur · Mon 21 September 2015

Match report vs. Stamford Athletic

A mature if somewhat profligate performance from AFC saw them easily sweep aside Stamford Athletic on a sunny morning on the Marshes.

AFC began brightly, with a number of openings in the first few minutes indicating this might be a good chance to boost the goal difference.

In reality, AFC had to work hard for the points.

With Ram and Housty causing havoc down the right and Ed crashing through any defenders that got in his way, half chances came. Leviseur took down a through ball and rounded the keeper, only to see a (legitimate) flying hand divert the ball round the post. Bonnell out-muscled the centre back only to blaze over. Davis fired wired. Plenty of reasonable chances, little to show for it.

Finally, the goal came. Bonnell providing the assist, Leviseur the finish.

AFC went in 1-0 at half time. Easily on top and playing well. "Keep going"

was the general theme.

Rarely tested in the second half, AFC continued to create chances. Joyner was played through 1-on-1 with the keeper. The keeper prevailed. Leviseur followed suit - with a similar result. A delightful Davis chip was sent narrowly over the bar by Hollowday (despite Rambaut's best advice from right back to "use your effing left foot").

There were a few scares - mainly involving Hollowday and a number of certain second yellows the ref somehow seemed to miss (one hand round the throat, one deliberate handball, one cynical trip - the usual). That wasn't all he missed - a stonewall penalty on Allport should've put the game to bed, but it seemed to fall into the perennially misused "6 of 1, half a dozen of the other" category in the ref's eyes.

That said, it always seemed like the second goal would come. And so it did - courtesy of an absolute screamer from Saunders. Winning the ball back just outside the box, he took half a step before winding up and sending the ball flying over the keeper's head. Stamford's best player could do nothing about that one.

So a solid 2-0 victory. Plenty of chances missed (especially from yours truly), but plenty created - and that bodes well for the rest of the season.

With the next three league games against St. Peters (currently bottom), Dorigo (age old rivals) and Shooters (the worst) - this should be a good month of football.

First up, though, the magic of the FA Cup.

James Leviseur · Mon 28 September 2015

"Wemberley, Wemberley,

We're the famous AFC and we're going to Wemberley".

We're into round 2 of the (London Junior) FA Cup after a determined display against Inter Cross.

(Mention in Dispatches to Hal Stockley for his pre kick-off "Inter Cross? We'll I won't be having Inter Cross with any of them anytime soon"...Triffic.).

In the face of some shocking refereeing (and dubious personalities running their line), AFC held firm. An even first half saw AFC take the lead - a deft Stockley header from a Ditchburn cross from the left - before being pegged back by a free kick sent right into the top corner. Not much we could do about that.

There were other chances - Elliot-Kelly and Stockley both went close after being put through - and Inter Cross looked decent without threatening directly. 1-1 at half time.

The second half saw a headbutt (unpunished), an assault from an Inter Cross spectator (unpunished), and some dodgy defending from the opposition (very much punished by an energetic AFC team).

Ditchburn took advantage of an Inter-Cross mix-up from a long throw to fire the ball home - and a late Ricky Martin run from centre-back (less of that please) saw Elliott-Kelly finally get his reward for strong (hungover) running in mid-field.

Particular mentions should also go to our centre backs (Harry, Luke and Ricky) - who looked comfortable all game - and Rich D who returned from injury with a typically dominant performance.

I also want to mention our subs. No-one wants to start on the bench, but Ed B and Charlie were brilliant to bring on in the second half. Both full of running, causing problems everywhere, and particularly pleasing to see them giving as good as they got with the meathead opposition. Magnificent performances boys - well done.

That win keeps our unbeaten start to the season going.

James Leviseur · Tue 6 October 2015

Another impressive performance at the weekend against St. Peters took us back to the top of the table - and cemented us as the only team with a 100% record in the league

.

AFC ran out 5-2 winners against a Peters team who have got used to propping up the table - and whose main complaint with the result was that "it was like playing against Stoke".

Now we can all agree that AFC have more style and more history than Stoke.

But let's indulge them for a second.

Both teams have 9 points in the league - and have progressed in the cup.

And with Norman out with concussion, AFC were missing their very own Phil Bardsley at right back.

On to the game itself...

AFC started well. Peters had little going forward, and Brasenose were putting together nice passages of play without directly threatening.

Our first chance came from a long free kick pumped into the box. Leviseur on the turn only succeeding in sending the ball into the arms of the grateful keeper. Balls were flashing across goal, but no-one could get on the end of them. The pressure was building though.

Finally, route one worked. Shawcross / Martin came steaming into the box - up from centre back - and connected with a long throw from Delap / Leviseur to send a sweet volley into the roof of the net. A great strike - and one worthy of a full-hearted celebration. Although wheeling away screaming "I've finally scored, I've finally scored" probably didn't cast us in the suavest light.

The second goal was a carbon copy of the first. Another long throw, another smart finish from a centre back. This time, though, he was wearing a Peters shirt. The glanced header into the top corner giving AFC a 2-0 lead at half time - as well as some welcome relief from the inane minute-by-minute Sunday league commentary from the centre back in question.

So far, so Stoke.

The second half saw hard work justly rewarded - and AFC's lead extended to put the game to bed. Lindsay had put in a shift worthy of Jon Walters on the wing, and got the goal he deserved when he bundled the ball over the line from close range. His second followed soon after - a neat finish after a Charlie Adam / Harry Davis (plus teeth) piledriver had been well saved by the keeper.

Peters then scored a consolation, before Delap / Leviseur made it 5-1 with an embarrassingly weak finish worthy of a long-throw specialist. The final Peters goal was annoying, but the game was long over.

Frankly, they can call us Stoke all they want - but we were a cut above them. Let's make sure we repeat that in the Challenge Cup in a few weeks. A special mention to Jamie Lindsay for putting in the hard yards that got him his 2 goal haul. (And to Ram for going in goal this week).

James Leviseur · Tue 13 October 2015

In the end, it wasn't much of a grudge match.

The boys in black and gold ran out 4-2 winners against a Dorigo side who currently flatter to deceive near the top of the table.

The first 60 minutes produced an exceptional AFC performance – with (slightly overblown) claims at full time that it was the best AFC had ever started a game.

Defensively, controlled pressing up top coupled with tight marking in midfield and a well-marshalled backline saw Dorigo limited to hoofing the ball from right-back without much success. Going forward, AFC were looking dangerous. Two early Leviseur headers - from 18 yards and 2 yards (with the same result) - failed to produce the breakthrough.

Stockley, as so often, made the difference. A marauding run down the left - leaving Dorigo stalwart Steff on his arse and Kang with a perfect cut-back for a goal on his return - should've produce the opener, only for the keeper to pull an incredible save out the bag.

The ball fell to Goal Machine. Most of us feared the worst. History suggested the worst.

But not this time. This time, there was history to be made.

Riffling into the net from 8 yards, Ed Bonnell finally seize back his nickname from the naysayers. Thousands of minutes into his AFC striking career, he finally got the goal he deserved. And it didn't end there. Now he'd got the taste for it.

Soon, Bonnell turned provider. Having learnt from the best, he launched a long throw into the area to see it met by a Leviseur header from 12 yards into the top right hand corner. 2-0 and AFC were flying. Half-time brought the same team talk as in previous weeks - "keep going, we're playing well, the goals will come". And Evans wandering round going on about "earning the right to play our football".

AFC carried on where they'd left off. And goal number 3 soon came.

The front two combined slickly - Leviseur falling over after a slow-motion trundle, only for the loose ball to break kindly to Goal Machine (who else?). Calmly scuffing it under the on-rushing keeper, Bonnell claimed his second of the game. Into dreamland for the big man.

Unbelievably, soon after he had a chance for the hat-trick – handed to him on a plate.

At 3-0, a long throw into the box saw the ref penalise Dorigo for manhandling any number of AFC players. The ball was thrown to Bonnell – slot it past the keeper and it was his for keeps. Team mates cajoled.

Destiny beckoned.

And he bottled it. With a faint mumble of "not sure I really fancy it lads", he tossed the ball to Saunders - who coolly waited for the keeper to move before slotting the ball into the opposite corner. Simply unbelievable. I suppose we should pretend to commend Ed for his focus on securing the 3 points, but in reality it left his teammates stunned.

They weren’t the only ones. Back to the game – Dorigo were reeling at 4-0 down. And AFC were heading to the top of the league for another week. Substitutions were made - Phil Bardsley making way for Tom Brown's Schooldays at left back. And Leviseur for the sobered-up Lindsay.

This turned out to be poor game management. Soon, Dorigo had pulled 2 back.

Kang went down injured. And Lindsay turned out not to be all that sober. Truth be told, it wasn't the individuals coming on that caused the issue - it was time it took AFC to adapt to new people in new positions. A lesson for future games.

That said, Dorigo never really threatened a comeback after that. AFC got themselves sorted and looked comfortable for the rest of the game.

Still top of the league and still with a 100% record. Kang back. Strong performances across the park, especially from the new AFC spine of Allport, Martin, Saunders and Evans.

And man-of-the-match Bonnell firing on all cylinders. Completely deserved for a bloke who runs his heart out for the team every time he plays, linking play up well and happily kicking off with anyone who looks a bit shifty.

Thierry Henry took 8 games to score for Arsenal before going on to become the club's all-time goalscorer. John Springett, watch out. Your (other)

look-a-like is coming for you.

Simon Harker · Mon 19 October 2015

Match report - vs. St. Peters in the Cup

AFC Brasenose 3-0 St. Peters

AFC Brasenose maintained our 100 per cent. record this season with a hard fought victory over St. Peters. St Peters had been well beaten by AFC a couple of weeks ago and had clearly decided that their best response in Sunday's game was to pack the midfield and deny AFC any space to play. This led to a fairly scrappy first half as the AFC midfield of Luke, Neil, and Rich tried to impose some quality on proceedings whilst St. Peters seemed content to charge about and punt anything they could get close to, ball or otherwise. AFC carved out a few decent openings in this period and went 1-0 up midway through the first half. Evans producing a good delivery from a corner allowing Hal to power in an unmarked header. Joe Launchbury at centre back clearly too busy giving a banal on-going commentary on proceedings to actually mark his man.

Hal's goal was followed by a period of St. Peters pressure up until half time. However, they were only able to create one opportunity when volunteer keeper Housty inexplicably decided to palm a free-kick straight onto their striker's head. Luckily for AFC, no one was more shocked than the striker and the ball drifted over. That we went in level was testament to some solid defending from the AFC back four especially Am at left back and Harry and Jack (on-loan from college for the day) at centre-back. Conversations at half-time revolved mainly around trying to do the same things we had been doing previously (whatever they were) and the ref's fundamental misunderstanding of the off-side rule. To be bettered only by Rich's subsequent lack of knowledge.

The second half began with Housty moving up to right-back and Tim Archer for the day (Kieran) taking his place in goal. AFC started well, earned the right to play football, and were soon two up when the St. Peters keeper dropped a corner allowing to Hal to bravely head in from about a foot. A poor error but quality delivery all day had perhaps created some doubt in the keeper's mind (or not). AFC still had to work hard to stay on top, Housty in particular testing the limits of when a player is or is not in control of a tackle, but soon went 3 up thanks to a clinical counter-attacking goal and one of the strikes of the season. Dropping to an AFC player on the edge of our box the ball was carried into midfield before Neil was released on the inside left channel. He played a cross-field pass to Hal who powered on before squaring back to Neil to place a first time left shoot into the back of the net. A final square pass from Neil for a Harker tap in would have been the icing on the cake but a great goal nonetheless. Awe inspiring to see two old warriors turning back the clock.

There was still time for Hal to be denied a hat-trick by yet more spurious interpretations of the off-side rule. Rich clean through in the opposition half seemed to think that once beyond the last defender the off-side rule no longer applied. His forward ball to Hal was duly flagged and Hal's third goal was brought back. Despite that disappointment it was still a good performance from AFC and we march on in yet another competition. Man of the match could have been any of the back four and Am went close with a solid display at left-back (perhaps establishing a favoured position for himself…) but goes to Harry A this week for a commanding centre-half performance.

Jack Barrett — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Sun 25 October 2015

Sunday dawned bright and early, the dew glistening on the turf to create a mesmerising diamond encrusted vision. Men stood in awe. Nets and corner flags sprung up to set the scene for a classic Sunday morning on the marshes. We all missed the crossbar a lot, did a couple of the Things in very lackluster fashion and decided to just hang around for a while to wait for the old foe to arrive.

H appears to have finally hung up his boots and become a full time prick, and fortunately for us that guy who is too good for us in centre midfield also looks to have succumbed to arthritis and other such ailments that will blight us all as we also enter our late sixties.

Buoyed by their lack of MVPs we set up in organized fashion, a man down as Ditch made his way to the grounds having extricated himself from some god forsaken place that he had deemed worthy to see in another year of his life. You will all no doubt join me in wishing him a happy birthday, and Luke too.

Being a man down forced us to play a very organised game underpinned by unparalleled levels of communication. Troubled little, we were soon ahead when their journeyman keeper parried a weak effort from Watson for Lev to poke in from close range.

With Ditch rapidly kitting up on the sidelines we soon doubled our lead as Watson scored a long range effort, worthy of a description I am much too hungover and tired to construct. But it was good. Unstoppable. Top corner. Hoyle assist. He wheeled away with arms out in a kind of Chicarito Hernandez way and the various chuff nuts on their team found it in themselves to stay quiet and respect what a formidable player he can be.

Shortly afterwards we reached the now-familiar place of 3-0 as Lev got his legs all askew and unwittingly dummied a Watson cross that found the far corner. All began to dream of a double figure drubbing, though we failed to threaten as half time approached.

The team talk was unexpectedly positive, and brief, with little learned and nothing of any value exchanged.

It was truly a game of two halves because the next 45 minutes turned out to be utter dross from all but Hoyle who had a fantastic game in his favoured goalkeeper position. Concentration escaped us all as the various Saturday night activities began to show. As a now infrequent observer of AFC football it was much more how I remembered football, but we dug in and saw out the half with our clean sheet and 100% record in tact.

Notable performances from the aforementioned Hoyle, Harry for keeping me from aimlessly wandering too much and Rambaut for an endless stream of talk and advice that was mostly useful. He had a kind of Fenton the dog moment with Ditch who decided his one lung buster was best saved for a pointless chase down of the keeper. Effort was applauded nonetheless.

Man of the match must go to Watson for a fantastic attacking performance and goal of indescribable beauty.

It was great to be back and see the team playing well, making the most of the quality we have in the more seasoned members whilst exploiting the undeniable quality of the newer recruits.

I look forward to seeing you all in two weeks in Oxford, and congratulate everyone for a very comfortable victory.

James Leviseur · Tue 17 November 2015

Match report: Westminster Wanderers vs. AFC Brasenose

The day didn't start well. Despite the manager's best encouragement (pointless as ever), team warm up commenced at 9.57am for a 10am kick-off. Excuses

included dodgy sat-nav, needing a pre-game sh1t and waking up the other side of London to your kit. All reasonable excuses for grown men.

In addition to the poor preparation, the wind was swirling and the pitch was a shocker. Glances down the other end didn't bode well either: the oppo had a full-time manager. And a ladder for putting up the nets.

It looked ominous.

AFC, though, were up for the fight.

Getting the ball out wide early, Ditch and Bitty were causing mayhem down the flanks (the only part of the pitch with grass visible). In the middle, Davies and Saunders battled for every 50:50 - a huge contribution to the victory. And the back-line looked solid given the conditions.

There were few chances in the first half. Leviseur "pounced" on a loose ball, only for the keeper to stick out a leg and save well. A superb Bittlestone in-swinging freekick should've been bundled in at the far post, only for the same striker to miss again. Luckily, reinforcements from the second row were on hand.

A long ball forward, swirling in the wind, wasn't dealt with by the Westminster centre backs. A limp header backwards followed by a sliced clearance saw the ball bouncing round the edge of the area. Wain on hand - chipper at his selection ahead of the Doc Martin'd Tricky Wilson - smashed in from 18 yards. T'riffic finish. The subsequent celebration saw a Klinsmann slide turn quickly into an Eric the Eel

bellyflop, briefly winding

the jubilant striker (his only on-field miscalculation all game).

At the other end, Hoyle was doing his best Petr Cech impression. The bearded one was keeping AFC in it - the sort of performance that sometimes goes under the radar, but not with this correspondent taking notes (from the halfway line). Worth his weight in gold.

AFC ended the half well, Leviseur rattling the bar from a tight angle - and the boys in black and gold went in on the up at half time. They'd battled well and their keeper had kept them in it.

Wain was replaced by Wilson after the break. The manager soon came under fire for the tactical change. Wilson received the ball in midfield for his first touch and promptly fell over. Wain missed a clear offside as linesman. Appeals went up, only to see the linesman on the halfway line tying his shoelaces. Fortunately for AFC, both performances improved considerably from there.

And, soon, AFC had a second. Neat interplay on edge of area saw Leviseur played through. Knocking it past the on-rushing centre back, a flying headbutt took out the striker. The ref had no hesitation.

Saunders coolly rolled his penalty down the middle for 2-0. Well deserved.

AFC then had to wait patiently for their third. In a fairly uninspiring half - albeit one with sparkling moments from Bittlestone and Ditch down the flanks - the battling efforts of players like Davies and Dancey won the game for AFC. Players were putting their bodies on the line: Allport taking a stamp to the head, before getting up and wandering round with a gurn on his face that suggested things hadn't quite returned to normal (I assume).

But the third goal did come. A ball into the centre forward's feet saw runs in behind and space open up. Bittlestone's excellent run drew the centre back half a yard out of position, allowing Leviseur to thread the ball through for Wilson to run on to. A superb first touch took the ball into the area, with the replacement striker chipping the ball past the keeper and into the net. Impact off the bench.

An impressive strike into the top corner from the edge of the area narrowed the gap slightly, but in reality Wanderers never really threatened AFC's progression to the next round. On a "leveller" of a pitch, AFC battled hard and deserved the victory.

Man of the match a tough one to call: Hoyle was superb in goal, Bittlestone had his magic hat on out wide, and Tricky and Waino both put in great shifts up top. But for sheer bloody-mindedness - and his excellent discussions with the ref about his "great leap" - Rich Davies gets the nod this week. Commanding in the middle and tireless in his harrying.

One date for your diary to finish things off: we have a pre-Christmas trip to Birkbeck Orient on Sunday 20 December in the next round. And - whisper it quietly - if we win that we're in the quarter-finals...

James Leviseur · Mon 30 November 2015

Match report - AFC Brasenose vs. Gyro

I knew it was too good to be true. From turning away players on the Friday - with 16 champing at the bit for a game - AFC started their latest league game with a bare 11 on a cold, crisp Sunday morning.

These things happen (to us, a lot). But to then start our full warm up at 10.20 just added to the sense that today was not going to be our day.

Within the first 20 minutes, AFC found themselves 2-0 down. It was fully deserved. The team was playing badly - balls were being passed out of play, execution of simple skills was lacking, and the usual composure that's marked performances this season had gone completely missing.

Gyro were causing problems from the off. Early on, they got their reward. The Gyro winger ghosted past the AFC defence and flashed a ball across the front of goal - to see his teammate beat the AFC man to the ball and fire into the bottom corner. 1 nil.

AFC needed a reaction. None came. The team lacked composure - trying to flick the ball round the corner rather than play the simple ball.

Soon, things got worse - a long range effort from a Gyro midfielder flying into the net. A decent hit and a totally deserved lead. AFC's unbeaten run very much looked liked coming to an end.

It was hard to believe from a team leading the league by a country mile - and (until today) playing really well. Gyro clearly couldn't understand it either - how were the best team in the league this bad?

Then, AFC got a bit of luck. A good piece of attacking play from Ditchburn won the first corner of the day for Brasenose. A deep ball to the back post saw Davis clip the ball over the nearest defender (think Gazza vs. Scotland) and then scuff a half-decent shot goalwards. The keeper made a hash of the bobbling ball, letting it slip under his hand and into the back of the net. Not the best team goal - but the individual invention deserved something. Davis had got us back in it.

As the half wore on AFC got better. But in truth, we were a bit lucky to go in 2-1 down at half-time.

The second half saw a big improvement. More composure on the ball, less mad dash forward. Easy passes taken, tricky situations avoided. It wasn't a patch on previous week's performances, but AFC were battling. They were forcing themselves to play better.

And they were creating half-chances too. A turn and blocked shot from Leviseur. Saunders with an outrageous volley that just went wide of the post. The momentum was swinging towards the Nose.

Then, the equaliser. A throw in from the right was taken down by Leviseur at centre forward. He released Harker in behind the left back. One strong touch out of his feet, the winger put in a superb cross right across the face of goal. With no-one there to meet it, the chance seemed gone. Then Bonnell arrived, steaming in from his position out on the left. A firm, well aimed header past the keeper did the rest. Great cross, great finish. Big, big relief.

AFC tried to keep up the momentum. But a lengthy injury break for one of their defenders - following a (rare) legitimate Hollowday challenge - sapped the energy out of the game.

Gyro ended with a few half chances - which saw some commanding goalkeeping from "stand in" stopper Rambaut Fairley as corners were flung in from both sides.

AFC then created one more chance late on. Bonnell crossing from the left, the ball agonisingly fell half a foot behind the onrushing Saunders.

AFC had nearly nicked it. Although in truth they didn't really deserve to. As Ditch said, even a point felt a bit generous - especially given that first half performance.

But we ground it out. And the drew won't matter a jot if we keep winning from here.

To do that, though, we need to each - to a man - start remembering a few things.

1. Try and turn up if you say you're going to

2. Turn up on time for a good warm up (especially if - like me - you need to do old man stretching before you kick a ball).

3. Be composed. We're a good side - let's not rush things.

We did all this at the start of the season and we blew teams away. We've stopped in the last 2 or 3 games and we've got lucky. A late win in one, a scraped drew in another.

Apologies for the lack of amusing asides in the above. Hopefully normal service resumed next week.

But Sunday could've been a real disappointment. And we only had ourselves to blame for that. We only just got away with it.

Let's not let it happen again. Onwards and upwards.

Simon Harker · Mon 30 November 2015

Surreal Madrid 0-0 AFC Brasenose

AFC played out a fairly forgettable 0-0 draw with Surreal Madrid on Sunday. I won't be offended if the majority of you stop reading this match report now.

For those who have stuck with it, high winds, a particularly crap pitch and a fairly scratch 11 all contributed to a game that was scrappy for large parts and in which chances were few and far between. The first half went past with almost nothing of note (we may have come close to scoring from a corner) other than some solid organisation and defending from AFC. Neil and Ricky at centre back looked particularly comfortable.

The half time team talk began with multiple players apologising to each other for some ill-chosen on pitch comments and ended with the usual "let's get it down and just play the easy pass". To be fair, and massively against type, AFC were able to do this for periods of the second half and created a few decent openings. Luke forced a good save from the Surreal keeper with a diving header following a cross from the right, Harry shot narrowly over after a cut-back and Col was unlucky to see his effort from the edge of the box tipped round the post. At the other end we continued to defend well although AFC were indebted to Ram who was quick off his line to produce a great save when a Surreal player bundled his way through. AFC continued to try and string some passes together and fashion a winner but were unable to create much more of note. 0-0 was probably a fair result and about as much as either team deserved.

Ram may be able to prove me wrong but this is the first 0-0 I have ever played in for AFC so it is a curious and also surprisingly deflating result. There are, however, some positives to take from the game. Old Boys aside, (no one counts or remembers that anyway) AFC are still unbeaten this season and remain top of the league. AFC continue to be well organised as a team and look solid defensively even with an almost entirely new back four. Hopefully next week we can continue this and also add a goal or two. Man of the match goes to Luke for a solid centre midfield performance and he was unlucky not to add the winner with our best effort of the day. I'm surprised that I've managed to draw three paragraphs worth of material out of Sunday's game so I'm going to leave it there. See you next week for a game that hopefully includes some goals.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 8 December 2015

Dinamo Dorigo 3 – AFC Brasenose 6

In hindsight, this was a very unusual game. With 14 players present and correct a full 20 mins before kick-off (RF Ed. *That does still mean that some of them were 25 mins late*) and with no opposition in sight, we ran out of Things to do in the time available.

Full warm up done, AFC came straight out of the blocks – and promptly went a goal behind in the first five minutes. The management were feeling the pressure – their unbending philosophy (backed by data) that [more players + warm up = win] was under threat. Fortunately, all that preparation and first-touch practice then came good – as AFC played some of the best attacking football I can remember.

As an overall reflection on the game I think our 6-3 winning margin flattered our opponents, but if you break it down into individual moments I think (with failing modesty) you could form an argument that had the keepers swapped teams we could have lost this. All 14 players played brilliantly and we moved the ball around to exploit space out wide and in behind very effectively, but we remain vulnerable to opponents operating between the midfield and the back four. Luke and Dave are increasingly clearly our best central midfield pairing and were both rewarded with the goals their performances deserved, but neither is best or most naturally deployed picking up that runner in behind. It is a quandary I shall continue to ruminate upon, whilst shouting names and numbers seemingly at random.

But let’s start at the beginning. 6 AFC players arrived, quite startlingly, at 9:40 to find Lev already out on the pitch practising corners and long throws. On his own. He explained that he had been testing the strong cross-wind and now had a well-devised plan for all eventualities. Still, it was hard not to love him a little more and respect him a little less [JL Ed. N.B. Goals # 1 and 6 below]. The rest of the squad soon assembled and found themselves quite perplexed not to have any nets to miss; it turns out this might be the first time we’ve ever arrived before our opposition.

The game itself was probably quite exciting if you’d been watching it impartially. Dorigo started brightly, threatening down their right flank and working a ball in behind which was struck quite sweetly into the top corner. A bit of a shock given how well warmed up we were, but probably the jolt we needed. We began to get on top of things, Si and Ditch exploiting space and inept fullbacks to great effect. One of these forays down the left won us a throw, and Lev’s carefully devised pre-game plan could be put into effect: tossed into the box, Watson with the flick and Luke sliding in to make it 1-1. I think the left was actually the side he had decided we needed to take short throws because of the headwind, but no matter.

[JL Ed. *Hence

the shorter, front-post throw to Wats for the flick-on*].

AFC then started to move through the gears, passing the ball around nicely and steadily and ruthlessly building towards a 4-1 half time lead. The first was a right foot screamer from David Hollowday following some fantastic interplay with Simon Harker, dismissing speculation that he had wasted his only top-corner finish of the day during the warm-up. Next, an embarrassing and inexplicable slice into his own net by a Dorigo defender after their keeper had parried a rasping Watson Pringle strike. The fourth continued the theme of ‘unusual’ – a powerful (and rare) Harker header playing Leviseur through on goal for a first time finish past the keeper.

Somewhere in all this excitement Harry Allport broke his arm (photo attached) but decided to play on until reluctantly going off at half-time.

[image: Inline image 1]

As usual when things are going well everyone was very keen to hear the half-time team talk, despite no-one really having anything to say.

Unusually, even better things started happening in the second half.

Watson, Si, Ditch, Hal and Lev were all finding ever more space as Dorigo pushed forward and 30 minutes of domination ensued which were unlucky to only be rewarded with two goals. Luke picked up his second with a strike from the edge of the box after being expertly picked out by Hal, and Hal then showed great alertness and determination to meet another into-the-wind Leviseur throw in the 6-yard box and slot it under the keeper. Even Andy Norman nearly scored having overlapped all the way from right back.

At this point we probably got a bit excited by the idea of scoring goals and much less worried about conceding them and Dorigo managed to pull a couple back and hit the post. However, despite their assertions that “we can still do this – this is the marshes and anything can happen”, they couldn’t and they didn’t.

A top draw performance all round - from 1 to 14. After two draws on the bounce – as well as a slight slip in our attitude – AFC have bounced back strongly. If we win on Sunday, we’re guaranteed to be top heading into Christmas. Which probably calls for a Christmas Curry celebration and some well-deserved hangover shame the morning after.

Rambaut Fairley — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Tue 15 December 2015

Our unbeaten start to the season came to an abrupt end on Sunday in the most painful of fashions. I'm actually a bit embarrassed to admit to how upset I am about it. If anyone is curious, please ask my wife for how many hours I sat motionless on the sofa while she tried to organise an entire Christmas around me.

Having strolled into a comfortable half-time lead, playing downhill and with the mildest of tailwinds, we threw it all away in 25 minutes of total madness at the start of the second half that saw us go from 3-0 up to 6-3 down and reduced by injury to 9.5 men. At least 50% of the responsibility was pretty directly mine, but it was a really poor display all round. Have tried to lay out the bits of this trauma that I remember below.

That result allowed Met Rockets to move within 3 points of us at the top of the league. Lots to regroup for in the new year. Even with that result, though, we've had a great start to the season. Now let's go and win the league.

James Leviseur · Tue 26 January 2016

Match report – vs. Chalk Scratchings

Here’s the headline: AFC Brasenose march into the Junior Cup Final – 3-2 winners after an attritional 120 minutes that left scars on the legs of AFC players (Ram) and in the minds of a whingeing Chalk Scratchings XI.

The potential was there for an upset from the beginning of the week, with low initial squad numbers and a frantic ring-around for reinforcements on Friday. And when reports came in on Saturday afternoon of squad members bumping into each other “totally randomly” in pubs around London, the management feared the worst.

We should never have doubted the boys in black and gold though. A strong 13 made it to the Marshes before kick-off (to varying degrees) on Sunday – and by the end we were glad for the reinforcements.

A competitive first half saw AFC edge the possession and the 50:50s without creating too much in the final third. Defensively we were superb – with Adam Turner majestic at left back, using the ball well and never giving his man any space to operate. The rest of the back line were equally impressive.

Up top, Ed Bonnell was everywhere – raging around the park in a Man of the Match performance that was as creative as it was physical. He was soon brought down racing through mid-field, bringing the first of too few yellow cards for a Scratchings team that boasted a lot of mouth yet very little chat. Moustachioed Giorgio at right back should’ve followed soon after – but somehow escaped censure. But their foul play couldn’t for long stop Brasenose getting slowly closer to their goal.

An AFC corner flashed across the 6-yard box, evading everyone as it sailed past the back post. The midfield – of Harker, Hollowday, Elliott-Kelly and Davis – kept making ground with skill and pace, but on each occasion we struggled to make the final ball count. The Scratchings keeper pulled off a sensational save to deny Elliott-Kelly from close range. AFC were building pressure as the half wore on.

But it wasn’t to be. The half-time whistle went and AFC regrouped by the bags for the traditional team talk. 0-0 at half time was probably fair – Brasenose were in the game but needed a little more composure in the final third.

Soon into the second half, AFC got their reward. A corner clipped in was cleared to the edge of the box. As the ball looped out everyone turned to see Hollowday onrushing with a swinging right foot – and the keeper began preparing himself mentally for the long walk down to the canal to fetch the result.

Not this time. The sweetest of strikes rocketed into the top right corner, crashing into the bar and down towards (and over) the line. The linesman gave it instantly – one of the best strikes he or I had seen in a long time. Incredible. Matched only perhaps by Jack Barrett’s optimism in getting his phone out to film the effort moments before Hollowday struck.

Lucky, lucky Dave – one for the grandkids.

The next passage of play was definitely not for the grandkids – unless to serve as a warning for how not to do things. Like when Col’s dad showed his pride and joy a video of Carlton Palmer taking 14 touches to bring the ball under control (take a bow Big Tone).

Bonnell rampaged down the right hand side, out-muscling two defenders and flicking the ball across to an unmarked Leviseur. 10 yards out with only the keeper to beat. Eschewing the one/two/three/four extra touches on offer and opting for the first time “Bergkamp” side-foot, the striker duly sliced the ball further from goal than it had originally started. Absolutely criminal. Head in hands time.

It’s hard to say what was worse: the miss itself or the thought of spending Sunday afternoon in a self-imposed Fairley-like state of guilt and self-loathing. Perhaps it was instead the little pat on the arse from Goal Machine with a “don’t worry mate, you’ll get one sometime”. Crushed.

And, 20 seconds later, it got a whole lot worse. Scratchings counter-attacked down the left, cut the ball back and the resulting shot deflected off Evans’ heel and past the flailing Fairley. Neither player could do much about it. And somehow, Scratchings were back level.

AFC lost their shape slightly as substitutions were made, but the fresh legs then told as the game moved towards extra time. First Davies down the right rolled back the years (in his mind at least) with some ambitious running at the left back.

Then Barrett came on to cause trouble up front – and should’ve had a penalty as the Scratchings’ centre back did his best John Terry impression, diving hands first at the striker’s low cross to stop a clear goal-scoring chance. Unbelievably, no deal from the lino. Harker, from the sidelines, used his tortoiseshell glasses to good comedic effect – but (perhaps unsurprisingly) this didn’t see the decision reversed.

AFC couldn’t find a way through. The full-time whistle came. 1-1 and the game in the balance with two 15 minute halves of extra time to come.

Without many clear cut chances and on an increasingly muddy pitch, it wasn’t a surprise when the breakthrough came from route 1. A long throw was flicked on by Bonnell. With the ball bouncing around in the area, Elliott Kelly reacted fastest to stab home. You could tell from the celebrations that it was a relief to get ahead again. A deserved lead though – and one AFC took into half-time of extra-time.

The game resumed for the (second) second half with Scratchings pouring forward to look for another equaliser. Brasenose needed some breathing space, but with tired legs it seemed like backs-against-the-wall time. As AFC cleared their lines one more time, Leviseur took down a Bonnell flick-on around the halfway line. He quickly exchanged passes with the big man before racing away (…) from the defence and sliding the ball past the onrushing keeper.

A little breathing space, it turns out, was much needed. Within minutes, Scratchings had pulled a goal back. A swivel and shot from their – to that point subdued – striker flew past the excellent Fairley, and gave the opposition hope of returning to parity once more.

But AFC saw out the game with gritty defending and gritted teeth. The opposition kicked and tripped and yapped all game, but ultimately Scratchings couldn’t deal with AFC’s hardened spine and moments of quality.

It was a big effort from 1 to 13 – with some outstanding performances. Ram was monumental in goal, Col and Hollowday both with goals from the middle of the park, and Ed B put in an incredible shift up top.

Thanks especially to Harry Davis and Adam Turner for changing their plans at short notice to come along. And to Jack for making the effort to get there after such an enjoyable evening the night before. It really made the difference having 13 in the squad – and it’s given us a chance at some silverware.

James Leviseur · Wed 3 February 2016

AFC Brasenose fought hard and played well to run out 1-0 winners against Peters last weekend. Not much of a match report for you - there wasn't much to report on a boggy pitch with a useless ref - but highlights include:

- A makeshift backline (mainly of midfielders) holding strong throughout and giving us a good basis from which to attack.

- Some superb interplay going forward throughout the game (particularly in the first half) not getting the reward it probably deserved.

- Bonnell turning his man inside out before smashing against the bar.

- Colum shanking his freekick from out wide straight in over the keeper. Appropriately muted celebrations from the wiry Irishman. But vital in the title race.

The win keeps us 1 point off the top with 3 games in hand, but by no means booking the open top bus just yet. We've still got lots of work to do - but Sunday's battling performance is exactly what champions are made of. Well done to everyone who turned out.

James Leviseur · Mon 15 February 2016

Given we only had 8 players on Friday afternoon, a 1-1 draw against a full strength Gyro side wasn't a bad result all in all. AFC showed plenty of fight - putting in a battling performance that should stand us in good stead for the rest of the season.

Debutant (and fresher) Tom "Bomb Defuser" Hurleston stole the show with nifty feet in central midfield and a crashing header from a corner to put AFC one nil up at the break. Gyro clawed one back in the second half, but AFC held on for what could be a valuable point come the end of the season.

It leaves us 3 points off the top with 3 games in hand.

Particular mention to Jake and Tom for coming down from Oxford, to Arthur for stepping in at very short notice (after a very long injury), and to Rich Davies for offering to cut short a family weekend in Bristol to get the first train back on Sunday and pull on the black and gold. Ram and I really appreciate all your efforts (and the others who turned out) - it was great to (finally) get 12 Brasenose men out when Sunday arrived. We couldn't have done it without you all stepping up. Thank you.

James Leviseur · Tue 23 February 2016

Camden Catholics. Marlboro. Royal Artisans.

Now they’ll have to add AFC Brasenose to the list.

For the first time in its 50-year history, the Camden Sunday Football League Junior Cup is getting engraved with our name on it.

The match report isn’t the most detailed because I can’t really remember much that happened on Sunday (all I seem to be able to remember is 3 Cornish Coasters, 2 Trumans, 2 Camden Hells and 1 Estrella).

I’m sure people can add their own incredible bits of skills I’ve forgotten – but, needless to say, to a man the team did you all proud.

The scene was set for a spectacle. The South Marshes ‘show pitch’ was slick and expansive. The Ref, linesmen and box goals were all ready to go. The Brasenose warm up went worryingly well.

Kick off. Into battle.

The first half was a scrap. AFC recovered from losing their talismanic player-manager to a hamstring strain early on – at least he finally got to have his own technical area to stand in and bark orders from. It was a hard fought half – a stodgy affair – but with some nice passing from Brasenose.

AFC were moving the ball well across the back and in midfield, but not making much in the final third.

As the half wore on, Pringle forced the breakthrough. Jinxing down the wing, holding the ball up superbly and then firing a low cross through a defender’s legs and into the box for the onrushing Leviseur to smash home from 6 yards out. 1-0 was about deserved. Half time.

While the ref went inside to put his feet up for the full 15 minutes, AFC were huddled on the touchline going through the usual team talk. All sensible stuff - mostly ignored as the second half kicked off.

Some dodgy interplay between the AFC centre-backs saw Shooters’ number 7 gifted the ball on the edge of the area. He strode forward and stroke it home past the helpless Hoyle. They were back level after just a few minutes of the half.

It got worse. Sloppy in possession again, AFC gave the ball straight to Number 7 – he took a touch forward and smashed the ball in from 20 yards.

Ruthless.

AFC were shell-shocked. Two lapses and they were behind for the first time in a game that to that point had hardly tested their defensive capabilities. You could see on the players’ faces that the idea of losing had crept into their minds for the first time.

But this is where getting the same group of players out all season comes into its own. We knew each other; we trusted each other on the ball. And we started playing again.

Slowly but surely half-chances came. Saunders' mid-air acrobatics nearly produced a wonder goal. A turn and shot from Leviseur on the edge of the area flew just over the bar. Pringle was running the show down the left. We were up for the fight too – a yellow for a cynical Ditchburn kick and a two-footed horrow-show from Housty (unbelievably escaping without sanction)

just two of the best examples.

But what we needed was a goal. Any goal would do. Just get back into the game.

Cue Ed Bonnell’s right thigh. Similar to his left but with more deftness. A thing of genuine beauty.

A set piece was delivered from the left into the box. Flicked on, it eventually headed towards the back post where The Thigh looped it over the defender and into the net. The roars were deafening. Everyone in black and gold knew how big that moment was. A lifeline.

The full time whistle went. Into extra time we headed. Both teams kept slugging it out. The pitch had deteriorated, the defences were calling the shots. And Hoyle wasn’t going to be beaten again – one double save in particular was outstanding.

We needed a winner. Someone needed to find some magic from somewhere. Or some luck. No-one cared which.

The introduction of Arthur Green had given fresh legs to the right wing (The Thigh had strained itself). And the winning goal started at his feet.

Bursting down the wing he drew the defender and won a corner.

The ball was fired into the box. Back out it came to the corner taker. In again, back out again. Third time lucky, Leviseur whips the ball into the six yard box – Saunders gets a shoulder to it and it flies goal-bound. A defender tries to clear but only manages to help the ball on its way into the back of the net.

Everyone. Went. Mental.

Not the prettiest goal we’ll score this season, but one of the biggest.

And then we clung on for dear life. The last 15 minutes were hell. There weren’t any real chances. Pringle was single-handedly trying to keep the ball in the corner as far away from our goal as possible. The ball kept being flung into the box, kept being thumped back out by the rock solid Saunders and Evans.

And then the final whistle finally went. Exhausted after 120 minutes of rollercoaster football, all that was left was to traipse up to collect the John Bender Junior Cup. And then get to the pub to celebrate.

The club’s first bit of silverware in over 10 years (2004/5, Third Division Champions - if you're asking) – a great effort by everyone who’s played this season and by the 13 on the day. Immortalised in silver forever. And in the Camden New Journal this coming Thursday - make sure you get yourself a copy.

Rambaut Fairley · Wed 2 March 2016

Match report: AFC Brasenose 2 Surreal Madrid 1

With some last minute scraping of the barrel we actually had 12 at kick off time on Sunday, with only 2 of those too injured to play. Huge thanks to Nick Kennedy for turning out for his first game in years, Arthur for limping over and Luke for bringing a ringer and his dad (non-playing dad).

We started well, passing the ball around calmly and simply. When we played simple passes on the ground, Surreal looked fully the 20 points they sit behind us in the table. Our goal when it came was a well worked move, an interchange of passes down the right hand side producing a square ball across the 6 yard box (by one ringer) which was tapped into the net (by another). At this point it looked like we might run away with it, even with our improvised side. Watson and Luke were finding space in the middle, Arthur was holding up well and balls in behind were cutting the opposition open. We won a few throw-ins but didn't really know what to do with them with all 3 first choice takers missing.

I didn't actually see their goal. I had my head in a kit bag getting a shirt for Jamie Lindsey, who had rushed back from Southampton for minute 40. But according to Luke's dad Callum just passed it to a centre forward. This was our third conceded goal in succession set up by one of our own centre backs; clearly we're worried about Rick's practice levels.

We shouldn't be. In the second half MOTM Hoyle came to our rescue on at least 3 occasions in an increasingly open game. First we took the lead, with Ringer 2 playing in Ringer 1 to poke it past the keeper. We could have had at least a couple more, with Arthur poking past the keeper but wide of the post and Jamie Lindsey being denied by the keeper from 4 yards. As the half evolved fatigue and injury began to set in and the game became more end to end. Hoyle was called to our rescue on a number of occasions, and we even survived another centre back attempt to get past him as Harry A inexplicably rounded his own keeper with 5 minutes left and had to desperately scramble the ball wide of the post with a striker breathing down his neck. It was an unnecessarily stressful close to the game, but a relieving and deserved 3 points. 2 more to win the league.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 8 March 2016

Quick summary of Sunday:

An underserved 2-0 defeat. We were the better team and the oppo recognised that, time wasting from about 35 minutes in. They scored their only 2 chances, we had a couple of six yard box scrambles that somehow didn't result in a goal. Frustrating.

We also lacked composure and resorted too quickly to trying to play long, difficult to execute (and control) passes which didn't look like unlocking anything. We need to show more comfort and patience in possession this week, keeping it to short passes on the ground, and the goals will come.

Rambaut Fairley · Sun 13 March 2016

Wrapped up with a game still to go. We done lads, great season.

The President's Cup starts next week. The treble is on.

James Leviseur · Thu 24 March 2016

Match Report: AFC Brasenose 4 – 0 Surreal Madrid

With a full XI going into Saturday evening, we should've known it wouldn't last. So it proved – with Callum dropping out through illness and Colum dropping off the face of the earth through drink, a merry band of 9 men embarked on our opening President's Cup game against Surreal Madrid.

Early on, the manager's team selection came under fire. The wisdom of starting with a towering back three of Ditchburn, Allport and Harker was being questioned. Not least with two of those three still drunk at kick off (and no prizes for guessing which two).

Surreal Madrid were licking their lips. Even the ref was getting in on the act, admonishing the manager at the coin toss for disrespecting the opposition by not putting out a proper side. AFC steeled themselves for the onslaught.

The first half was a cagey affair. Three at the back and one up top left AFC with all the running to do: pressing judiciously, shuffling defenders across the pitch and chasing the ball down as Surreal endlessly played it across the backline with little end product. Brasenose's physical commitment matched their running. 50:50s were being won, and Surreal were never able to capitalise on their two man advantage.

Harker marched up from the back to fly into a tackle in mid-field (imagine Shaun Wright Phillips and Aaron Lennon going head-to-head). He won the ball, but limped away with the sort of injury you probably go off for with a full squad present. Not today. He battled on bravely, barely able to run.

Bar a spectacular near-own-goal from Ditchburn, Surreal didn't have any real chances in the first half. Hoyle was dominating his area and the back three were magnificent.

At the other end, AFC had two clear openings. A lofted free kick into the area from Allport was volleyed across goal by Leviseur. Cushioned down by Davies at the back post for the onrushing Saunders, you'd have bet your house on seeing the net bulge. No deal – fired straight at the keeper. Looking around, you could tell everyone knew it was a big, big chance. We weren't going to get too many today – we had to take them when they came our way.

The only other chance of the half (from memory) should've resulted in a penalty for Brasenose. A long punt from Hoyle (whose distribution was excellent all day) saw the defenders panic. Leviseur nipped in and knocked the ball past the onrushing keeper, who arrived a second too late and planted a smart left hook right on the striker's noggin.

As Premier League etiquette dictates, the proper reaction when a player lies semi-unconscious on the floor is for his teammates to furiously wave the medical staff on. Not with AFC – their eyes never left the prize. Flat out on my back and seeing stars, all I could hear was Harker, Allport and Saunders swarming round the ref appealing for everything under the sun. Unbelievably, nothing was given. Refs get £35 a game in match fees – that bloke's committed fraud in my book.

The last action of the half saw Harker come under fire from a Surreal Madrid player for his "little throw". No-one came to his defence.

The half time whistled went. The team talk was positive – the fact we only had 9 men had bonded us together. We were working for each other and staying positive even when errors were made. Not today endless platitudes about "earning the right to play". Deep down, there was a sense we might get something from this game if we could just fight to stay in it a bit longer. And as the second half kicked off, chances started to come.

From long balls, Leviseur twice turned his man on the halfway-line and "raced" away. The first time he couldn't apply the finish. The second, he rounded the keeper and pulled the ball back for Morgan 8 yards out – who sent the ball over the bar. Again, AFC were left wondering whether that was the chance to get something from the game.

Minute 60 saw the introduction of our 10th man – Kieran, Luke's housemate. His cameo almost didn't happen – his "yes, sir" to the ref betraying his non-regular status on the Marshes. But soon he was right in among the action. The extra man helped defensively – although the back three were well equipped already to deal with Surreal's attacking play – but the real difference came going forward, where Kieran's runs into box gave those with the ball at their feet greater options as they broke forward.

And on 70 minutes, AFC made the breakthrough: a long throw launched into the six yard box landed on a Surreal Madrid leg and found its way into the corner of the net. The roar went up from the black and gold; a big, big moment. From then on, it only got better. Brasenose proceeded to bang in 3 more goals in 13 minutes, leaving AFC players grinning delirious at the final whistle.

First up, a slide-rule pass played between the centre backs by Leviseur saw Kieran collect the ball and fly towards goal. Picking his spot, he lashed the ball across the keeper into the top right hand corner to double the Brasenose lead. Cracking finish.

Anything he could do, Rich Davies could (try to) do better. A throw in from the left from Kieran was flicked first time into the path of Davies, who managed to create half a yard before firing into the top left hand corner. Another top draw finish, from a player who hadn't stopped running all game.

Harker then provided a brief moment of relief for the Surreal Madrid players, picking up the ball for a throw-in and asking if he should "stick his little one in".

They weren't laughing for long though. The final nail in the coffin came courtesy of a brilliant run by Morgan down the left, which ended with a ball squared across goal for Kieran to tap in for his second. Ram tells me that makes Kieran our seventh top scorer this season – from his 2 games played. But although his goals were invaluable (as was his effort in getting down for the second half at short notice), in truth this was a heroic team effort all round.

AFC played a perfect tactical game – keeping their shape throughout and bettering the opposition in energy and spirit despite the deficit in numbers. And then they wrought their destruction when the time came – swiftly and without mercy. Brasenose broke Surreal Madrid – on the pitch and in their minds and souls. By the end, their players were crestfallen. Humiliated by a 9-man opposition they trudged off, eyes glazed over, casting around for meaning in a world where none was to be found. It was devastating and magnificent in equal measure.

All of this puts us top of our President's Cup group, well placed for the post-Easter run in – and for a shot at the treble. Let's keep this going.

James Leviseur · Tue 12 April 2016

AFC Brasenose 3 – 1 Chalk Scratchings

A full XI on Saturday evening once again turned into less than that come Sunday morning, as Tom ‘Tall Man Mk2’ Colthorpe pulled out through illness. Luckily, Housty came to the rescue. Straight off the plane from Australia, golden brown and grinning like a Cheshire cat he was welcomed with open arms by grateful team mates. And, as we’ll come to later, he wasn’t just there to make up the numbers.

Unfortunately, Hollowday wasn’t even doing that. With the ref coming over to ask why the net at the other end was only half up two minutes before kick-off, Dave innocently mentioned that he’d struggle to do it so had left it because “he assumed someone else would do it”.

Nonetheless, in footballing terms, Brasenose started well.

Evans – unluckily relegated back to centre-back after defensive drop-outs mid-week – was rock solid at the back, and once again formed a partnership with Saunders that looked comfortable on the ball and combative in the challenge.

Going forward, AFC looked dangerous. Davies and Hollowday were breaking forward in numbers, both having shots blocked early on. Then a ball was fed to Harker down the right wing. Sending over a cross that evaded everyone, the ball fell to Ditchburn 12 yards out. Could he produce one of his twice-a-season rockets? Not exactly. Head up, eyes wide, leaning back – 20 yards over the bar.

No matter – soon AFC made the breakthrough. Elliott-Kelly lined up a free kick just outside the box on the left hand side. The two-man wall did him a favour by bravely diving out the way of the shot, but as the ball crept in at the near post it was a timely reminder of the Sunday League maxim to work the keeper early on. A good start.

AFC continued to press. Winning the ball in midfield, Hollowday lofted a beautiful ball over the top for Leviseur to run on to. But as the ball fell on the edge of the area, the striker could only scuff it wide. Could’ve very easily been two nil.

Then AFC got sloppy. Caught out of position too often and lacking bite in the 50:50s, they let Scratchings back into the game. Giving too much time on the ball to a team who really didn’t have much about them, Brasenose conceded the equaliser as half-time approached. With the ball bouncing around the Brasenose six-yard box, a Scratchings player lost his marker and managed to turn and find the back of the net.

1-1 at half time. Brasenose teammates turned to each other for a response in the second half. Slowly but surely, as the half wore on, they got it. More 50:50s broke their way and AFC were soon seeing more of the ball.

It was the Man from Oz who gave Brasenose the breakthrough. Making the journey up from right back for a corner, a sharp run to the near post saw Houston meet a low, driven cross with a thunderbolt that left the keeper with no chance. A clever run and a brilliant finish. Topped off with a wild roar as he wheeled away and headed for the corner flag to get the party started.

AFC went close a number of times over the next fifteen minutes as they looked to extend their lead. Scratchings hardly had a shot.

The best of the Brasenose chances fell to Elliott-Kelly, who created it himself out of nothing. A quick long throw down the line saw the striker race away towards goal. As the angle narrowed, so did his options. Rounding the keeper, he could only find the right hand upright from the tightest of angles. It was nearly a brilliant goal and there wasn’t much more he could’ve done – but had AFC left the door open by not seeing off Scratchings while on top?

Not in the slightest. As the game entered the fourth quarter, it was finally put to bed. Elliott-Kelly was slipped in down the right and pulled the ball back smartly to Leviseur in the box. With a mini Cruyff-turn between two defenders, the tanker turned on its axis to find half a yard and curl the ball into the top left hand corner of the net. Scratchings were done.

Brasenose nearly made it four – Elliott-Kelly playing the ball through for Leviseur, who could only find the side-netting – but in the end 3-1 was enough. A big response from the team at half time and huge thanks to Housty for making it down straight off the plane. A solid win and a welcome 3 points.

All that leaves AFC top of their President’s Cup group – with a winner-takes-all clash lined up on Sunday 1 May against Clerkenwell Old Boys for a place in the semi-finals. I’m almost getting bored of writing this, but the treble’s still on.

(I’m not really).

James Leviseur · Wed 27 April 2016

Haven't done a match report for Sunday yet - will hopefully get round to it later in the week.

Summary: ran out 2-1 winners in an ill-tempered game against a team whose approach to life was even less impressive than their football. Luke bundled in the first before Harry doubled the lead with a smart (and rare) volleyed finish. Comfortable.

James Leviseur — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Thu 5 May 2016

Clerkenwell 2 - 3 AFC Brasenose

Yet again, another week where Brasenose went into Saturday with a full XI and then emerged bleary-eyed on Sunday morning to kick off with only 10 men.

If the result had been different, if we'd been dumped out of the cup off the back of it - I would've been indescribably angry. I've still only just about calmed down 4 days later. We were saved by two things. An opposition who, despite their skill, couldn't play as a team. And, quite simply, Simon Harker.

Returning from a stag in Ipswich that morning, he rolled into bed and then straight out again when he found out we only had 10. That's how you play a part in something bigger than yourself. Above and beyond.

AFC had weathered the storm until the young wizard's arrival, but the signs weren't promising for getting something from the game. Clerkenwell were showing Brasenose what life in Division 1 would be like - slick passing, lots of movement, and players who could turn a game if you gave them space.

However good they were, though, this didn't make up for their general approach towards the beautiful game. Simply put, they were filthy cheats.

Pretty much to a man. Kicking people off the ball, whinging all game, and appealing for everything to try and influence the ref. Every goal kick, "corner ref". Every throw in, "our ball". Every foul, "where's the card, ref". Chuck in some homophobic abuse and a manager advocating physical violence towards the opposition and you get the picture. Horrible people.

Hollowday would've loved winding them up. Some of us did our best to make up for his absence. But beating them - and seeing their angry, disbelieving little faces - was the only way to really go about dealing with this sort of disgrace of a club.

Queue goal number 1 for Brasenose. A long throw into the box came off one of their player's heads and sailed into the far corner. Not the most deserved lead we've had this season, but reward for staying disciplined and keeping our shape.

Unfortunately, the lead wasn't to last for long. A ball from the left was punted into the box. The Brasenose keeper tipped it onto the bar, but nothing could stop the Clerkenwell striker following up and nodding it into the back of the net.

Half time came. 1-1 - and a quiet Brasenose word with the ref not to succumb to the pressure of the opposition's appeals in the second half.

There hadn't been many clear cut chances either way, but Clerkenwell definitely had the lion's share of possession - held at bay only by Allport and debutant Scoon; rocks at the back.

Soon, though, Clerkenwell found themselves behind once more.

Another long throw caused confusion in the Clerkenwell box. Flowers won the ball and laid it back for Leviseur to cross back in. Evans, arriving at speed, chested it past a defender and guided it goalwards. Blocked. But Saunders, as so often this season, was in the right place at the right time to stab home from 6 yards out.

It was a big goal given the flow of the game; a satisfying goal to get too.

Unfortunately, within 2 minutes, AFC had conceded again to return to parity. Something we need to work on. A ball into the box wasn't fully cleared. A Clerkenwell midfielder, lurking just outside the area, put in a decent left-footed strike that Colthorpe in goal got a hand to but couldn't quite keep out.

AFC came under more pressure as the final whistle approached; the Clerkenwell possession was telling and their skill level was creating more than Brasenose usually comes up against.

Then the game turned. AFC got some luck. From the halfway line, it looked like a stonewall penalty for Clerkenwell - the ever solid Turner sticking out a leg and bringing down their fancy Dan just inside the area. But no deal from the ref.

This did not go down well with the Clerkenwell player. Not. At. All.

Calling the ref at least one C-word - 'cheat' being the most printable - he received his marching orders with a straight red. A joy to watch. And what followed was something special. Clerkenwell imploded.

Their whole team went ballistic. Their manager went ballistic. He ordered his players to make sure none of the opposition could play in the semi finals - "break their legs, knock them out", shrieked the fat man on the sidelines. It was all slightly unreal. And, focussing solely and manically on the perceived injustice, they stopped playing.

Then, the icing on the cake arrived. With Clerkenwell pressing in the final minutes, a Brasenose break away saw their centre back pass the ball back to his keeper under pressure from Saunders. Correctly, an indirect free kick was given - much to the histrionic protestations of the opposition (as usual).

Saunders rolled it to Leviseur, who rolled it under the wall, off a Clerkenwell player, and into the back of the net. 3-2 with the final kick of the game.

I openly laughed all the way back to the centre circle, pursued by 3 Clerkenwell players who didn't see the funny side. Genuinely, though, it was hilarious.

They were cheats. Pure and simple. I think after 10 years on the Marshes we can handle a few strong challenges. It was the open cheating and lack of sportsmanship that made it an unpleasant game. And made the final whistle - and the frothing at the mouth that ensued - all the sweeter.

Unbeknownst to most of the Brasenose team before the game, we had only actually needed a draw to go through. Sitting pretty at the top of the table with superior goal difference, a draw would've been enough.

But the third goal to secure the win made the pub afterwards all the more enjoyable. Brasenose had ended Clerkenwell's season early. They got what they deserved.

A big thank you to the boys who came down from Oxford, and again to Simon for showing up when we most needed him.

Oh. And we're in the semi-finals now. This is getting serious.

James Leviseur · Thu 29 September 2016

Apologies for the lack of extensive match report this week - I haven't had much time to mentally replay the glories from the weekend in enough detail to get everything down on paper.

I'm sure someone can fill you in more fully but - in short - we won 4-1. And are therefore through to the second round of the London FA Cup.

The oppo weren't much good, reminding me a lot of sides we played last year. We played some decent stuff, and should've gone 1-0 up if I hadn't missed from 8 yards out following a barnstorming Ditchburn run down the left.

We then promptly went 1-0 down. Fortunately, Colum was on hand to nick one back before half-time. Ditch then put me through in the second half to pull us in front (after their striker had missed two open goals in the space of 5 seconds). Colum prodded a third home after the keeper could only parry a long shot. And Rich pounced on a slip from their big-mouthed centre midfielder to fire in a fourth and dump Recreativo out of the cup early doors.

Job done - but in truth sterner tests await this season. Finally, a big shout-out to Ram for playing on with a bandaged head, blood gushing out down the side of his face and in full contravention of recent FA guidance on head injuries.

Rambaut Fairley · Thu 31 August 2017

#nostalgia

A sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past. Sunday was full of it.

A debut for Justin Watts. A member of the much-fabled Class of 99, he'd carefully waited 12 years to make his first marshes appearance. Good to have you back.

A return for David Hollowday, who seemed to have gotten bored of waiting for his op. Apparently the ankle is still dodgy, and therfore Dave needs to avoid heavy challenges. So he also needs to avoid winding up the oppo. It's a big dimension to take out of his game.

Proper Sunday League cup ties. Turns out it was a cup game; who knew? Well no one, as it happens. Until, with the score locked at 1-1, someone asked the ref how long left: "four minutes then extra time". What. Brasenose swiftly contrived to concede a winner with the last kick of the game. No one gets between them and their Sunday lunch.

Harry Allport · Thu 2 February 2017

Key lesson learned from Sunday: never offer your mate odds of 100/1 on him scoring an anytime goal. A career at Bet365 does not beckon for Harker, who now owes his mate £1,000.

Despite a spirited, battling performance, and twice coming from behind to level, we ended up conceding in the 85th min to lose 3-2 to London Badgers. Top drawer performances from Conor on debut, Nick Kennedy and Jake Morgan. Shame we couldn't get at least a deserved point from the game.

Harry Allport · Sun 19 March 2017

Unbelievable game - feared the worst when we went 1-0 down after 10 mins but to a man everyone was excellent. Dan Paul probably had his best game I've seen him play in a bnc shirt, and Bitty's ringer was very useful. Look forward to having 11 again though..

James Leviseur — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Thu 31 August 2017

Played very well. As good as them. Few chances. Conceded from two corners. One in first half (just before half time). One in second just after half time. Free headers both.

Long throw (Leviseur) cleared first man and Bittlestone hooked in. 55 mins.

Morgan on for Colthorpe (50), Scoon (late) on for Leviseur (55).

60 mins. Saunders gets ball in midfield. Everyone retreats. Strides forward, feeds Bittlestone. Tried to flick to Kailey. Hits defender's hand. Penalty. Saunders (nervous after previous misses) rolls it bottom right, sending keeper wrong way. Game on. AFC in the ascendency.

Walking away, turn round to see heads in hands and no-one celebrating. Harker own goal. 3-2.

Shocking offside decision from the ref makes it 4-2. We belong in this league. I really think we could challenge if we get that team out every week.

James Leviseur — unsigned, attributed to the sender · Wed 6 September 2017

Less of a good turn out for the friendly (these two things may be related), aside from the welcome presence of the full Fairley clan. We eventually went down 4-1 against a Div 1 team, but matched them for 60 minutes and really our season will be decided by whether we can kick on in these games.

Special mention to Ben Claxton for the first goal of the season - a cracking finish after his incisive run from the wing. And to Will Feerick for making an assured debut at left back, keeping their winger quiet for the entire game.

Harry Allport · Tue 12 September 2017

Sunday 10th vs Enate (A)

We lost our season opener to Enate 3-1,

After a promising early start, we created a couple of half chances and looked to be on top for the opening 20 mins. Enate came back into it though and managed to score 2 before half time in relatively quick succession through some sloppy AFC defending.

We knew we were still in it at half time though, and within 5 mins of the second half starting we'd got one back. Some good play down the left was followed by a Leviseur through ball to Col who finished well past the keeper. An even 25 minutes passed but it was Enate who scored next to extend their lead and the game finished at 3-1.

Given we've drawn them in both cups, there was a lot to take from this opener and confident we can progress in both cups. Also confident that like Huddersfield last night, we'll learn lots from losing by a 2 goal margin, which will put us in good stead for the rest of the season.

Harry Allport · Wed 20 September 2017

Sunday 17th vs Sherfield Town - (AFC won 4-3)

A bit of pre-match research suggested Sherfield, a new team this season, could be useful. They had a squad photo of 20+ players (all in the same place at the same time, with kit, looking professional) and train twice a week. This was contrasted with an AFC starting line up that didn't have a full set of shirts, and so were sporting 4 different strips (including one yellow jacket in a bid to get anything on that had any yellow on it).

The marshes are a leveller though, and we started brightly. Two goals midway through the first half from Tom Hurleston, one a tidy finish from outside the area, and the other a tap in after a superb Allport flick on, and we were on top. They came back quickly though and had a couple of chances. A defensive mix up gave them a way back into the game (2-1) but Ed Bonnell's guided header from a Claxton throw gave us a good lead at half time.

3-1 became 4-1 with a great Claxton finish (left-footed) past the keeper and it looked like AFC would comfortably get our first 3 points on the board of the season.

Then we all started playing exactly how we knew we could. Defensive mistakes, poor passing and tired legs meant Sherfield got two goals back with 20 minutes to play (4-3). We were resolute but conceded a penalty (definitely outside the box) with 10 to play which was unlucky. However, a top Hoyle save meant the game finished at 4-3 to AFC - a deserved victory.

3 points on the board...

Callum Flintoff · Wed 4 October 2017

THE MAGIC OF THE CUP - by Callum Flintoff

This was the magic of the cup. Pressed delicately; triple distilled immaculately; fermented meticulously with natural yeasts. Just as wine can be viewed as a vehicle to showcase the vineyard, here on a crisp Autumnal morning bearing the first fruits of October, the venerable AFC Brasenose were summoned to pitch 8 of the Hackney Marshes as the chosen vehicle to showcase the magic of the cup.

It must be said however, and indeed was remarked upon with typically sharp intuition by each forlorn AFC-adorned figure that in time pierced the Hackney horizon, little can be achieved without an opposition. Deterred by John Salako's erudite string of high-calibre performance fuckery in the draw, or perhaps exhibiting a moral standpoint born of rife rumours Clerkenwell Old Boys were then pulled out of the hat four times in subsequent outsourcing to Asia, at 10:30am Mitcham Park Firsts closely resembled the result of a madcap cloning experiment performed on Mesut Ozil at half-time of a big game:

They were missing. The latest graduate from Anthony Taylor's Marbella Institute of Refereeing; the young official charged with the game was ridden with perplexion as he counted and re-counted furiously but could not sum the correct quota of players.

Whilst AFC cherry-pick their athletic specimens from a slender pool enclosed in Radcliffe Square, Mitcham displayed the audacity to advertise trials in conjunction with citing their most prestigious victory as the Under-9 Mickey Mouse Cup back in '04. The trial process, elucidated as a wave of red and black nonchalantly swaggered across the Marshes from what visibly appeared to be Bournemouth around an hour late, unfortunately omits the teachings of roadside repair, and so despite exhibiting nine perfectly matching fade haircuts, a draconian flat tyre had cost Surrey's finest a shot at glory.

The show must go on though, and in recalling a particularly memorable episode of Hustle encountered several years prior, skipper Leviseur entered into furious negotiation to commence an ad hoc friendly. The proposition met firm opposition; echoes of "We've driven for two fucking hours, let's 'ave a fucking game!" drifting unceremoniously in and out of earshot as cases were pleaded to and fro. A long and arduous six second period had elapsed, but finally there was to be a conclusion. A newfangled term to grace the AFC dictionary, the walkover was secured, and the magic of the cup revived. Then we played a fairly decent friendly and scored some banging goals.

The Match

Full Time: AFC Brasenose 6-1 Mitcham Park 1sts. Excellent ghost writing here counteracting a heavily depleted memory of the actual game itself.

1-0: McCleary cleverly instigates a counter-attack in the DRS-activated left flank region, marrying powerful dynamics with cunning incision in a perfect storm to run fast in a straight line. A slick exchange with Col, perfectly executing the continentally exported "1-2", then sees McCleary finish the move he first started.

Mitcham: 0. AFC: 1. Flat tyres: 2.

2-0: Flowers, exhibiting far superior statistics to his 57-rated sibling, impresses the EA Sports scouting team with a [delete as appropriate] majestic floating high deep long cross-cum shot diagonal aerial ball into the area. The keeper, terrified at the sight of Harker running in with the momentum of a freight train, spills the ball at Leviseur's feet for a trademark half-yard tap-in.

3-0 & 5-0: Minutes after coming on, Morgan quickly discovered the complete ineptitude of their surly right back. An selfless assist to Col, followed by a tidy finish into the bottom left corner left the opposition wondering what other firepower was lurking on the AFC bench

4-0: Think Netherlands vs Spain, 2010 World Cup. Think Robin Van Persie flinging himself at the ball with reckless abandon to connect and lob the keeper with his diving header. Then rewind slightly, and replace Van Pursestrings with Leviseur, swinging his foot with no real vigour to connect and lob the keeper with all the suspicion of mis-control attached.

6-0: Japanese airspace receives a rude awakening as Leviseur unleashes a thunderous bullet from his left elite soccer cleat that rockets high into the goal, rendering Mitcham's goal defence mechanisms obsolete.

6-1: The ball was whipped ferociously across the face of the box and Connor met the ball with a perfect glancing finish into the bottom corner. Our own bottom corner.

Simon Harker · Wed 4 October 2017

THERE'S NO WAY HE MEANT THAT - by Simon Harker

Having secured the walkover [see above] the game began and AFC were on top from the start. So dominate were AFC that we even had the luxury of turning down a goal as one of Leviseur's dangerous throw-ins drifted straight into the net. The referee, having given a goal, made it all the way back to the centre circle with the ball before Lev stepped in and suggested that it had been at least a foot away from touching another player. Who knows what internal moral turmoil he went through before finally deciding to come clean but eventually the correct decision (a goal kick) was reached.

The moral victory firmly in the bag AFC went on to secure the actual victory going one nil up after Col, having been played through following a break from an opposition corner, rounded the keeper and squared for Conor to tap-in. Conor rewarded for his lung-bursting run from centre-back with (possibly) his first AFC goal.

A second soon followed when Jack Flowers floated in a long free kick and the keeper, terrified at the sight of Harker running in with the momentum of a freight train, spilled the ball at Lev's feet for a trademark half-yard tap-in. Two became three when Jake was presented with the ball by some terrible defending and, for possibly the first time ever, played it simply across goal for Col to place a composed finish into an empty net.

The merits of the fourth goal are still being debated. A long free kick from Flowers took the kind of bounce that only seems possible on the marshes and sailed straight over an opposition centre-back. This led to Lev being clean through on goal where he proceeded to take a heavy touch/place a first time half-volley over the keeper and into the top left hand corner. The opposition were incredulous at the brilliance of the finish whilst AFC to a man knew it to be a heavy touch. The question each person has to ask themselves is whether a first time strike that good or an attempted touch that bad is more likely to be true.

The fifth goal came when Jake again won the ball back on the left hand side and strode into the box. Assessing his options, he this time went for a low near post shot that beat the keeper with ease and sent AFC into half time five nil up. Half time itself was filled with chat about keeping it simple, not being dickheads and winning the second half.

Obviously we proceeded to draw it one all. The only real positives were Lev completing a hat-trick by beating a man and smashing in a near post effort after receiving the ball from the right and Col's usual composure deserting him when shooting several feet over from a one on one with the keeper. A goal that would have given Ditch his first assist in over 150 games; a truly astonishing statistic for any player, let alone a forward. At least Col had the decency to immediately sub himself off. The opposition effort was an own-goal that we probably do not need to dwell on and overall it was a good performance showing that AFC are at their absolute best when the pressure is well and truly off.

James Leviseur · Tue 10 October 2017

We were unlucky on Sunday. Lost 1-0 but matched them for most of the game (superb penalty save from Rick notwithstanding).

Given that we lost 3-1 in the opening game of the season against the same opposition, we're definitely going in the right direction. I thought we were really solid, but the front 6 just couldn't get things going. Let's keep getting a good squad out and the results will come.

James Leviseur · Wed 18 October 2017

We lost on Sunday, but went down fighting.

Having been left high and dry (again) with only 10 come the morning of the game, AFC put in an excellent organisational effort to come close to getting something from the game.

We went 1-0 up, another long throw flicked on by Saunders into the far corner, fully deserving of our lead.

Three at the back (Feerick again excellent) marauding wing backs, and Simon Harker winning more headers in the middle than in his entire footballing career to date - a MOTM performance.

But it couldn't last. With tired legs and outnumbered, one of their midfielders slipped through for the equaliser - and a two on one situation at a corner led to Surreal taking the lead.

It was an enjoyable test, and everyone was left gutted at the end because we really deserved something from the game. A number of their players hadn't even realised that we were playing with ten. And we lost a game we should've won because of it.

James Leviseur · Thu 26 October 2017

I spent most of Sunday and Monday in dreamland. What a performance from the whole squad last weekend - to a man we were excellent.

We beat the league leaders 2-1 on Sunday, to take us to within three points of the summit of Div 2.

Commanding performances at the back from Bonnell, Allport and McLeary. Endless energy on the wings from Joyner, Fahey, Claxton and Ditchburn. Grip and dynamism in midfield from Luke, Bitty and Kieran. And a couple of dodgy finishes from Col and me took us past a team who looked before Sunday like they were running away with the league.

Not to mention a MOTM performance from stand-in keeper Fairley, leaping highest deep into added time to (unexpectedly) pluck a swirling corner out of the air and secure the three points for the Nose. Buffon-esque.

A huge win. And an immense squad effort.

James Leviseur · Tue 14 November 2017

Sunday sounded deflating - a last minute loss, with the chance to equalise right at the death going begging.

Rambaut Fairley · Thu 23 November 2017

Last week was not our finest. We lost to the bottom side. They were 2-1 up and dribbling the ball into the corner with 5 minutes left. And we equalised. And they won. I'm not over it.

That result drops us from 4 points off the top with 2 games on hand, to 6th place and only 3 points ahead of Dorigo. Who we play on Sunday.

James Leviseur · Wed 29 November 2017

We're getting good at this. Our third 3-2 loss in a row sends us plummeting down the table into sixth place.

That said, we could be up to 4th with a win on Sunday.

James Leviseur · Wed 6 December 2017

Excellent result on Sunday, beating Enate 3-1 with a commanding and wholly unexpected performance.

Goals from Claxton, Green and Flowers - with two dodgy assists from Ram along the way - saw them off with ease. MOTM hard to call, but Claxton's running and goal gets him over the line. Huge thanks to Tom Hurleston for coming down from Oxford; a sterling effort matched only by the quality of his performance.

That win puts us up to fourth, but only four points behind the second place team - who we play this weekend. Intriguing.

James Leviseur · Wed 3 January 2018

A last minute equaliser from Ben Claxton saw us grab a point against Shooters in our final game of 2017.

It puts us fourth in the table, three points behind Sherfield Town - who we play this Sunday.

Simon Harker · Tue 9 January 2018

Sherfield Town 0 - 4 AFC Brasenose

AFC started 2018 with an excellent victory over Division 2 also rans Sherfield Town on Sunday. The day began well with as many as 15(!) Brasenose lads warmed up and ready to go 15 minutes prior to kick off. This really was the stuff of Rambaut's dreams and I am sure there will be some serious updating of player numbers v results spreadsheets this week. With Scoon kindly agreeing not to play (through a combination of magnanimity and being really hungover) the game began. A classic marshes wind blew directly against one end of the pitch and Ram wisely (as it turned out) chose to defend that end first.

What followed was a dogged first half performance from AFC. Despite the aforementioned meteorological disadvantages and some terrible tackling from the world's least intimidating midfield enforcer AFC stayed strong. A combination of gritty play in midfield and some resolute defending including a good one on one save from Ram saw AFC through to the half at 0-0. The midfield three of Andy, Luke and Col were particularly impressive in standing up to Sherfield's version of Dennis Wise who, by my count, did enough to earn two straight reds and 3 yellow cards in the first half alone. He was eventually booked though seemed to have some difficulty computing this turn of events. Half the size of Dennis Wise and also half as intelligent.

AFC went into half time much the happier and, having earned the right to play our football and with the wind at our backs, moved through the gears in the second half. AFC's first goal came when Clacko, chasing a lost cause, got a toe on the ball before being clattered by the opposition keeper in the box. The ref awarded a penalty and the interpretations of this decision ran from "stonewall" to "never in a million years". Regardless, it was great determination from Ben matched by an absolutely ruthless penalty from Luke; low, hard and into the side netting to the keeper's right. One soon became two when Bitty finished low into the corner on the turn on his left foot.

An unsavoury incident followed when one of the Sherfield players was sent off for pushing Jake in the face. He then proceeded to spit at the referee and threaten him with further violence after the game. One of the more reprehensible series of events I have seen on the marshes and indicative of the general quality of the opposition. AFC did not let this deter them and added to their goal tally when Col's shot which was "definitely going in" deflected heavily off a defender and spun into the corner. AFC made it four when good work from the attacking four resulted in Clacko tucking in from close range to cap off a good performance both out wide and up front. From my (less favoured) position at right-back I was unable to see who (if anyone) provided assists for the final three goals so they will probably go down as three to Lev. AFC had a couple of further chances but, perhaps wary of antagonising the opposition further, decided to fire them over the bar.

A quick word on the opposition. I understand that their aggressive behaviour and particularly offensive verbal abuse will be raised in both our and the referee's match report. Although it should not be the case, unfortunately one of the perennial issues we face when playing on the marshes is ignorance of this nature. The best we can do is play our own game and take pride from the fact that we are, in every sense (including footballing ability - at least this week), superior examples of humanity.

We should not, however, let it detract too much from what was a fantastic performance from AFC. To have 15 players was awesome, everyone played well and our rolling substitutions were well timed and had a real impact on the game. An example of how much fun AFC can be when it all works perfectly. A more pessimistic reporter would suggest that we will probably end up with 9 players and an injured ringer next week but I am genuinely hopeful that we can kick on against Chalk Scratchings with a similar turn out and performance.

Harry Allport · Tue 16 January 2018

Really unlucky to lose 2-1 on Sunday. The least we deserved was a point but ultimately if we have 2 stonewall penalties turned down and we miss 6 or 7 really good chances, it's going to be difficult to get anything from the game.

Harry Allport · Tue 13 February 2018

A great win at the weekend moves us up to second in the table with two to play... A huge game this weekend sees us play top of the table Hackney Wednesday (who we've already beaten in the league this season). After this week we've got a week off so please make every effort to play if you can.

James Leviseur · Tue 10 April 2018

Unlucky to ship a few late goals on Sunday to flatter them slightly - onward and upward to this week's game: a Bill Price quarter final against Surreal Madrid.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 17 April 2018

Gutted to have missed last Sunday. While Housty’s wedding was fine*, news filtering through of AFC going from being 4-1 up after 60 minutes, to drawing 6-6 and then winning on penalties really brought a tear to the eye.

Harry Allport · Wed 12 September 2018

A frustrating start to the season as we lost 3-1 to Sherfield at the weekend. Undone by 2 set pieces in the first half, we couldn't find an equaliser as we pushed forward second half following Claxton's goal and they caught us out late to seal the game (despite Hoyle's best endeavours coming up for a late corner).

Harry Allport · Tue 18 September 2018

A really good win on Sunday - 4-0 over Surreal Madrid, with a solid back 4 never looking like conceding and Rick having one save to make, a midfield playing some nice football and finding space on a very average pitch and easily overrunning their midfield, and a brace from Claxton up top (other goals from O.G and Saunders with his 20th shot on target). Only notable negative being a horrendous miss from Flowers from less than a yard out with a header that was far more difficult to miss.

Harry Allport · Tue 25 September 2018

A good solid 1-1 draw at the weekend. Yes, we were probably better than them, but when you score a 90+1 minute equaliser from the top drawer of AFC finishes courtesy of Matt Bittlestone, you have to see it as a point won rather than 2 dropped.

Harry Allport · Tue 2 October 2018

Our solid start to the season continued on Sunday in a tight game vs Dorigo. We ended up winning 2-1, and in truth were better than them – but we were made to work for it. A dominant opening half saw us go into the break 1-0 up courtesy of a Barber goal, getting his rewards for a tough shift up top running after everything. But in the second half it was Dorigo who came out on top – Hoyle making a couple of wonder saves before a break down their right finally allowed them a shot that would beat Hoyle and we were back level. We did strike back straight away (a rare collector's item – an Allport winner – which will live long in the memories of all there to see it, what a goal…) and managed to play the last 15 mins very solidly to keep it at 2-1. Credit to Saunders for the worst penalty seen on the marshes and managing to rival Flowers' miss of 2 weeks ago for miss of the season. Good performances all over the pitch, especially in centre mid – where we dominated and outplayed them throughout.

Harry Allport · Tue 9 October 2018

A good win in the FA Cup on Sunday and we've been rewarded with a second round tie away to Merton Athletic. It ended up 2-0, could have been 8 or 9 -0, and the misses were far more spectacular than the goals. Solid performances throughout, we never looked like losing, and goals from Allport and Stephen ended up doing the job.

Rambaut Fairley · Thu 18 October 2018

Great result on Sunday. A fantastic first half performance, which saw us go in at half time 4-0 up having played some great football, put the game to bed. No coincidence, I'm sure, that we had 13 players and rolled our subs effectively. We relaxed a bit (too much) in the second half, but still ran out 4-2 winners.

As most of you (I'm sure) will have seen on Twitter that result puts us 3rd, one point off the top.

Harry Allport · Tue 30 October 2018

Another win on Sunday, this time 5-3 against a good new side - that puts us joint top of the league. Great performances all round, but special mentions for Bonnell up top with 2 goals and 2 assists and dominating their defence, and Hoyle in net for some top drawer saves throughout to keep us ahead at various points. Other goals from Morgan and Ditchburn - both very tidy finishes, and an Allport header.

Harry Allport · Tue 6 November 2018

A remarkable 1-0 victory on Sunday with 10 men in the cup against Merton, scored in the last 5 mins of extra time by Saunders. Even more remarkable given Norman picked up a knock in the first half and Fairley's ankle was on the wrong end of a horror tackle half way through the second (keeping him out this week). Our organisation was exceptional, and stand out performances from, well, everyone. However - it's worth noting again that it's no fun turning up with 10 players, and as good as the feeling was afterwards, we would have put them away much easier if we'd have had 11 or 12 despite them being a good side.

Harry Allport · Mon 12 November 2018

Frustrating one on Sunday to give away a last minute goal to St Peters - 3-3 final score. But the unbeaten run goes on, and a nice brace from Barber.

Harry Allport · Mon 26 November 2018

Seems luck isn't on our side at the moment! Following a last minute equaliser by St Peters in the league two weeks ago and losing on a penalty shoot out last week, Ballivia stole 3 points on Sunday with a late winner this week.

Harry Allport · Mon 3 December 2018

As much as I'd like to be frustrated at the fact only 4 of the 10 originally down on Doodle actually played in the end and that this caused an unnecessary amount of admin last week, I'll focus on the stellar performance we put in. A really solid performance giving us a 5-1 victory and a place in the quarters was our reward in South West London.

Saunders took advantage of some abject keeping with a speculative shot from distance to give us an early lead, but we were pegged back as we struggled to impose ourselves on the game. A dodgy disallowed goal would have put us in control, but with Morgan blocking the keeper's view or something, Allport was denied. And we went into half time at 1-1, knowing we had a tough second half ahead.

Thankfully, we were much better in the second half, scoring 4 with no reply (although they did have at least one blatant penalty appeal turned down) - with goals from Allport, Sammy, Morgan and Saunders (and clear chances for nearly everyone on the pitch) along with a hatrick of assists for Bitty putting Jak's Greens out of the cup. Really good performances from everyone - a well deserved win.

Bring on the next round - keep 6th Jan free for a trip to Tooting Common, and stay fit over the xmas / new year break. Ram tells me we've never been further than the quarters...

Harry Allport · Tue 11 December 2018

All, a 6-2 loss at the weekend against the best team in both divisions - so can quickly forget that and move back into league mode, with a tasty game against Enate who are 4 points ahead of us having played 2 more games. A must win game.

Harry Allport · Tue 8 January 2019

A really tough one to take in the cup this weekend, 3-2 in a tight game against Westminster Wanderers. A lot of what ifs, but we've put together a good run and 3 great wins against FC United of Bromley, Merton Athletic and Jak's Greens was no easy set of fixtures! Next year - it's ours..

Rambaut Fairley · Sun 13 January 2019

Tough result today. We shouldn’t be drawing with the side second from bottom - we’re better than that (and 3rd). 2nd beat 1st above us, so we missed a chance to close the gap. Still, onward.

Harry Allport · Tue 22 January 2019

All, another tough result at the weekend - we managed to go from a 3-1 lead to a 4-3 loss against the finest the college had to offer. A great weekend overall though, and big thanks to their skipper Tom, along with Ram, for organising.

Harry Allport · Mon 28 January 2019

All, bit of a frustrating one yesterday, but the guys top of the league lost too - so all hope is not lost...

Harry Allport · Tue 19 February 2019

Big result on Sunday! Coming from 3-1 down to win in the final minute keeps us well in the title race with only 3 games to go!! We rode our luck and 2 Bonnell goals and 2 Claxton throw ins which ended up in the back of the net somehow were enough to win 4-3.

Harry Allport · Tue 26 February 2019

All, great result Sunday - again coming from behind to win against St Peters which takes us top of the league!

Goals were from Saunders, Green and Bonnell.

Harry Allport · Mon 4 March 2019

Sounds like a tight game at the weekend, edged on the day by a strong Chalk Scratchings team.

Harry Allport · Tue 12 March 2019

Decent effort at the weekend given the very windy conditions. 1-1 against a strong Enate side, with a nicely taken freekick from Leviseur from about 25 yards out giving us a share of the spoils.

Harry Allport · Tue 19 March 2019

All - a decent performance with only 11 on Sunday, and a 1-1 draw courtesy of a goal from Stephen in the first half. We play Shooters again this weekend (it's a round robin President's Cup format) and if we can get 12/13 out we'll get a result no doubt!

Harry Allport · Tue 26 March 2019

Thanks very much for a good response to the call for players last week - made a real difference having a full squad, and we got the result to match - a close 1-0 win where we looked really solid. The goal courtesy of a well taken Claxton header that Allport had put on a plate for him... right place, right time.

Harry Allport · Tue 2 April 2019

A bloody great win on Sunday. 4-2 against London Badgers (4th in Div 1) - with only 11 players. No doubt we were helped by our ringers (thanks Tom C & Stephen for sorting) - who both played really well, but top drawer performances all round. We were actually 4-0 up at half time... Goals from Stephen's ringer, Stephen and Ditchburn (who wasn't quite content with his pin point cross for Stephen's goal, putting our next corner in the top corner direct from the kick). Tom C kept us in the game 2nd half as we faced a bit of an onslaught, but in the end it turned out to be comfortable enough! Good work all.

Harry Allport · Tue 9 April 2019

Sounds a great win again on Sunday - 2-1 against another div 1 side (Auld Shillelagh). A win this week against Badgers and we'll be in the semis of the President's Cup.

Rambaut Fairley · Tue 30 April 2019

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Or it would have been if we had grabbed the winner that we deserved. That was the prevailing mood on a strange morning on the marshes.

Arriving 15 minutes late, your author found himself the only Brasenostril present, faced with a full 15-man Sherfield Town squad. 20 more minutes on my own drew some utterly bewildered small talk from our opponents; suffice to say, they were a bit more excited about a title decider than we were.

Eventually reinforcements arrived. We had two volunteers to play in goal: our only centre back and our only central midfielder; naturally we decided that Captain and leading scorer Saunders was the logical choice.

We have at various stages over the last 15 years concluded that a pre-match warm up is pointless. This was not one of those days. Starting sluggishly, we were 2-0 down inside what felt like 5 minutes but may have been 20. That the goals were self-inflicted, a penalty following a harsh handball decision (that VAR would have affirmed) and a killer through ball from our own midfield, wasn’t as much comfort as you’d expect.

2-0 up so early on, the (perceived) enormity of the situation began to weigh on our opponents. They were very happy to stick with what they had and we began to grow into the game. A simple ball down the right hand side found John Brembridge in acres of space and a few passes between him Bittlestone and Morgan Sr got the ball to Sammy Davidson* to slot home. Back in the game. Only for a bit of a punt from outside the area to find the bottom corner. 3-1 down.

I don’t really remember the next goal. Apparently Bonnell scored it. And Claxton is claiming the assist. I remember the keeper catching it and dropping it and Bonnell kicking him into the goal. And me thinking it had been disallowed. It was probably a long throw. 3-2 at half time.

The break brought an opportunity for a bit of a reshuffle. Bremridge offered to go in goal, unleashing Saunders who was yet to use his hands. With the luxury of one central midfielder now in place we could afford to push Bittlestone forward (out of penalty conceding range) and put all of our Morgans on the wings. Such was the excitement that your author failed to notice Owen Riddall’s half-time arrival, so he started the second half on the bench despite having abandoned plans to come down because he thought we only had 10.

The second half was genuinely all Brasenose. Brembridge’s performance in goal was the best I’ve seen by someone who I don’t think made a save. One commanding call of “keepers” before gathering the ball a yard inside the box was enough to convince Sherfield there was nothing for them there.

At the other end wave upon wave of Brasenose attack rained down up the Sherfield. By which, of course, I mean a series of long throws and corners. From one of the latter we equalised. Or so we thought. The initial delivery from the left was cleared but the ball was worked swiftly back to the corner taker, Bittlestone, who curled a lovely shot into the far bottom corner. Celebrations were short as the goal was ruled out due to the presence of Davidson* in the 6 yard box. Not sure VAR would have made much of that one.

With less than 10 minutes left that felt like it was it. So much so that I can’t really remember Davidson*’s equaliser. I hope it’s clear by now why I don’t write these. I seem to recall it being a bit of a defensive howler, and Morgan Jr* claiming to have “pressed” his opponent into hoofing the ball into the air and onto Davidson’s head.

The Sherfield defenders collapsed to the floor, the league title snatched from their hands. Your author was clamouring to get the ball out of the net and go after the winner. Sharper minds had already worked out that with Ballivia winning 4-0 elsewhere the best we could do was 2nd place, the worst of all worlds.

So a couple of minutes of their “manager” shouting that they needed a goal was all that was left of a pretty odd league campaign. We finished 3rd with 29 points from 16 games. The fewest defeats in the division; the most draws.

Good luck next weekend, and in the final the week after. We’ll arrange a few end of season drinks soon.

Harry Allport · Tue 15 October 2019

Morning all - great effort in the cup on Sunday - narrow loss in extra time, but showing we can hold our own against Div 1 oppo.

Harry Allport · Mon 21 October 2019

An almost inevitable hammering yesterday given we were stuck on 7 players going into the weekend. A big thanks to those who stepped up, but we can't continue having no idea who is going to be turning up less than 24 hours before KO & asking people to cancel plans on a Saturday evening.

Harry Allport · Tue 29 October 2019

All - great effort on Sunday against a top Div 1 side. Had a couple of decisions gone our way earlier, who knows if we might have grabbed a point or 3. Another few performances like that and we'll pick up some points!

Harry Allport · Tue 5 November 2019

A brilliant 6-1 win at the weekend has moved us off the foot of the table - great work everyone who played.

Harry Allport · Tue 12 November 2019

Top effort on Sunday - a really tight, enjoyable game that we should have won but they've stolen at the death with a great strike. Shame to score 4 & lose but some top performances and more of the same this week...

Harry Allport · Tue 7 January 2020

A tough start to 2020 with a loss on Sunday, but a bigger kick in the teeth came later in the day when we found out London Badgers have dropped out the league. Whilst this means we can't finish bottom (they go straight to 10th) - it does mean our only win in the league gets scratched off as it was against them...

Harry Allport · Sun 2 February 2020

Great performance earlier - a shame we couldn't take all 3 points, but we dug in and could/should have got more.

Harry Allport · Mon 16 March 2020

Tight 1-0 loss yesterday - they scored from a one-off shot from 30 yards out... In truth, was pretty windy with a rubbish pitch and therefore an awful quality game.

Team: Colthorpe, Feerick, Allport, Scoon, Cuddihy, Bonnell, Flintoff, Hurlestone, Sykes, Dan Paul, Claxton

MoTM - Bonnell